So down :(

MrsAnnie

RoxieW wrote: »

trouble with the bottles idea is that we've tried to bottle feed expressed milk - I went out for a meal for a friends birthday - and got a call half way through my dinner because he just wouldnt take it. I've tried with him since and he just screams and screams. Took it in the end but it took an hour and half. That stress on top of additional bottle washing/sterilising may just make it more hassle and effort and that I really cant face. That on top of some of the negatives i've read about formula cancelling out breastmilk benefits have put me off the idea a bit.
I will mention to health visitor though and see what she thinks.

Not trying to push to idea if you don't want to bottle feed. But babies are sometimes fussy with bottle and formulas, and it may take a few tries with different ones to find their preference. I found that the avent bottles were good. Also if you did decide to try bottles again it may help your baby adjust to the change if you were the one that got your baby use to it first before letting others bottle feed.

GFN123

Hi RoxieW

I don't have any experience of babies, so I can't help you there, but I do hope things improve for you soon.

I just wanted to add something in relation to your OH's behaviour, and I hope you don't think it comes across as harsh or judgemental of you in any way, as that is not is how it's intended You have 3 young boys, and I have no doubt you want the very best for them (and are doing a fantastic job from what you have posted), but do you want them to grow up thinking the way OH treats you is an acceptable way to treat women? Your relationship sets the example to them.

IMHO, you need to start setting and making clear some boundaries with your OH. It sounds like you try very hard to be considerate and loving towards him. Sure, all couples row, but don't you feel you deserve the same back? If you can see that you are a loving partner to him and a great mother to your (both your) children, then he needs to see that too, and in order for that to happen you need to value yourself and accept treatment no less than you deserve Be clear in your own mind about how you should be treated, and start demanding it by making sure you aren't just 'settling' for him getting his own way the whole time to keep the peace. I know it is so easy to sit at the computer and tell other people how to run their lives/relationships, and I apologise for that, but I genuinely believe if you can be tougher with him and kinder on yourself things could improve.

I wish you all the best, sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are being quite hard on yourself. You don't come second best to your OH, he should love, respect and treat you as an equal, and the sooner you start valuing yourself the sooner he will realise he needs to.

galvanizersbaby

RoxieW wrote: »

"Your husband is maybe missing his old life before the baby? Maybe it's worth swallowing your anger & try to create "us" time - maybe do something simple like bring him a cup of coffee and a biscuit etc a few times. The atmosphere maybe will soften after a bit of tlc and it may be easier to talk about where you both are."

lol. This is what I try to do all the time. I cant stand tension or rows so I just let him do what he wants and do as much as I can for him - run him baths when he gets in from football, chat to him about his day. I dont want things to crumble so I try my best with him. It just doesnt feel like I'm getting it back and even that he respects me less for it.

But you already have 2 children together so he's not a new dad is he?...you shouldn't have to be worrying about making a major effort just for him right now - you've just given birth for goodness sake.
If he has been better with this baby than he was with the other 2 then I hate to think what he was like back then and I'm not in the least surprised you had PND and probably the onset now - you need his support.

You really need to speak to him about how you are feeling - also speak to your GP/HV about the PND and see if you can get any help on the childcare front.

I think you need to make some changes for a while to suit you and baby where hubby is concerned - i.e. the co-sleeping arrangement - I would send hubby packing and move your son in to your bed to see if this improves the sleep situ.
If hubby WON'T sleep on the sofa - suggest he stays somewhere else for a while!

RoxieW

• Listen to her as much as you can. Ask her about her thoughts and feelings.
• You can't offer a solution or a "fix" but just listening and maybe hugging and reassuring her is hugely important.
• Try and be sympathetic even if it is boring to listen to the same thoughts and emotions over and over again.
• There will be lots of good days and bad days. Help as much as you can with practical stuff

just lifted this from netmums and it is in a nutshell what i need. i'm scared he'll think it is attention seeking though. i dont feel confident that i can ask him for what i need and he'll provide it. he was useless during my other pnd episodes and prol made them worse actually. but there is no one else. this is why i just feel maybe i shouldjust 'man up' n keep my feeling to myself, save him thinking me pathetic.

hayleyc_2

RoxieW wrote: »

trouble with the bottles idea is that we've tried to bottle feed expressed milk - I went out for a meal for a friends birthday - and got a call half way through my dinner because he just wouldnt take it. I will mention to health visitor though and see what she thinks.

We found the same thing, I found that until DS was at least 6 months it was more hassle that it was worth to try and feed him any expressed milk. It seemed to totally mess up my supply/demand and DS wasn't keen on drinking it from the bottle (even though it was a special booby shaped one!) I hated throwing away the milk, cos it seemed such a waste that I'd made it and sat there expressing it just to tip it down the sink!! Also, as you've probably read if you've done some research on it, formula fills up the tummy in an unhealthy way. It fills the baby up because it's hard to digest not because it's actually satisfying the baby's hunger.. if that makes sense. Obviously, better to have formula than a completely frazzled and burned out mummy but if there are ways to avoid it (which it sounds like you want to) then that's probably best.

Anyway, I really don't think feeding is the problem. It's totally normal for babies to wake in the night and need feeding. My DS is 19 months and still has a feed overnight, but the difference is that if he has a bad night (ie waking a lot, teething etc) my partner supports me, and lets me have a lie in or rest the next day. I'm the only one who can give him milk (which is what he usually wants/needs at night) so I accept that I'll have to do that, but my partner is willing to make up for this by doing more of the other jobs like nappy changing, bathing etc etc and letting me have a rest when I need it. I think perhaps you need to have a proper chat when you are both calm and make some kind of agreement on who will do what and when. Eg, could he put the baby in a carrier or pushchair and take all the children for a walk once a day so you have a little bit of time to yourself?

Hayley

Wee_Bargain_Hunter

RoxieW wrote: »

• Listen to her as much as you can. Ask her about her thoughts and feelings.
• You can't offer a solution or a "fix" but just listening and maybe hugging and reassuring her is hugely important.
• Try and be sympathetic even if it is boring to listen to the same thoughts and emotions over and over again.
• There will be lots of good days and bad days. Help as much as you can with practical stuff

just lifted this from netmums and it is in a nutshell what i need. i'm scared he'll think it is attention seeking though. i dont feel confident that i can ask him for what i need and he'll provide it. he was useless during my other pnd episodes and prol made them worse actually. but there is no one else. this is why i just feel maybe i shouldjust 'man up' n keep my feeling to myself, save him thinking me pathetic.

You're are certainly NOT pathetic. You are a stong woman looking after herself and her family, keeping lots of things going. You are part of a family unit. He NEEDS to help and suppport you.
Maybe print out some stuff like that. He might huff a bit but hopefully will return to read it properly and start to change. He might even discuss it with you properly. Men sometimes need instructions

RoxieW

babe in arms now so aplogies for mistakes etc.
agree feeding isnt the problem, imhappy to do it but need support elsewhere ie settling him etc.
just occured - when i'm doing everything, not making a fuss and generally being superwoman we are fine. its if i ask for more help we have a prob. hence i've learnt not to ask. such as yesterday - i almostdidnt ask him if he could have the day off to help me becuse i knew the response i'd get. and i did get it. an argument, called names and made to feel small, ridiculous and unable to cope.

tuggy

RoxieW wrote: »

get myself into shape, make an effort with my appearance and keep up the bedroom antics as apparantly that going off the boil is a 'dealbreaker' I've been told before by OH when he went 4 days without.

Words fail me...they really do. Roxie please, you need to stand up and be counted, you need to see this is not how a loving marriage should be. I almost think you need to consider if you're better with him or without him...

This is not how he should behave and his actions are not "normal" and you dont need to put up with it and feel that you're in th wrong for not being happy

RoxieW

Just emailed him the link and this was his response -

"I'm not reading it so shove it where the sun don't shine love"

RoxieW

he also didnt see to our son as punishment because i'd come down and shouted at him and 'he didnt appreciate it'