Do you have to get on with in-laws for a relationship to be successful?

Pee

I think as long as you are thinking about the issue, you have enough manners and restraint to deal with it properly.

My friend's wife told his mother what she really thought of her - and her skills as a parent - after several years of marriage and I told him then that she did it to burn bridges, she was ready to move on from the relationship. He still answers his mother's telephone calls.

milliemonster

I don't really get along with my MIL, I know she thinks the world of me but after 15 years of being with my oh I just can't gel with her really, what really hurt me the most was when I lost my own mum last year and I had no support from them, that really was the final straw for me.

I also feel sad that they don't get involved in our family, we only live a few miles from them and our children love to go and see them but half the time she makes excuses for the children not to go (weathers bad, she has a cold etc usual pitiful reasons) and its not because they have a life, they are both retired and never venture outside the house except to go to the shops, it really hurts my kids and that hurts me too.

I have as little to do with her as possible but I decided long ago to allow my kids to grow up and form their own opinions, which they are starting to do, I have tried never to show them my true feelings of her.

My husband knows exactly what I think of her though and although it pains me to say it, he knows I wished it was her that died and not my own mum, I know that's awful to say and think but I can't help the way I feel.

Anyway, just because you will have your own place does not mean that they will be there all the time, my inlaws have been to our house only a couple of times in the last year out of their choice not ours, they don't even make an effort at xmas, I have stopped forcing the kids to see them, they can now make their own choices.

At the end of the day, you can involve your inlaws as much or as little as you want in your lives, mine used to wind me up all the time but to be honest I just let it go over my head now, life is too precious and too short for me to waste time on them

Rikki

Distance makes for a good relationship with the in-laws.
My in-laws lived over a three hour drive away so they couldn't ask us to do anything at the drop of a hat.

I still like them even though I've divorced their son.

brazilianwax

I'd settle for getting on with my OH at the moment :rolleyes:

I do get on with my MIL, but FIL and I fail to understand one another. Luckily they live about 250 miles away, so it's not a daily issue.

My parents live closer and OH gets on with them both really well.

DeeDee74

i don't think you have to really get on with your inlaw's to make your relationship with your oh work.
it does help if you get on though or can put up with each other.

my ex mil was fab we got on great shame i can't say the same about her ds

shelly

I got on ok with my MIL on the whole but sometimes she wasn't very subtle. I was overweight (and still am) when she was alive and sometimes she made comments about it. I had no qualms at all about saying to hubby (he was BF at the time, she died before we married) that if he didn't have a word with her about her comments then he would visit on his own from then on and he could tell her why.
I wasn't nasty or criticising, just said that her comments made me not feel good about myself.
He had a word and she apologised. Sometimes a comment or 2 would slip out after a while but hubby just had remind her to be nice and she was fine again.

I get on fine with FIL too and always have. He's a quiet chap and doesn't have opinions on anything really so easy to get along with.


I do think that in a relationship you should feel able to talk to your BF/hubby/partner about any problems you have with his family and vice versa.

crapwithcash82

gibboelli wrote: »

Dont really agree with that. Why should you have to appease people that are horrid to you just because they may be grandparents one day? Kids arent stupid, they're gonna realise that Nan and Grandad dispise Mum and thats not a very nice situation for them to be in. I also know that my MIL to be tells her little 5 year grandson that his father is a waste of space and a looser so my kids wont be anywhere near her!

Though I have to agree that OP's grievence isnt that huge in the grand scheme of things, at least the in laws arent making her life a total misery, just being a pain in the a$$ :rotfl:

I TOTALLY 100% agree with this!! My MIL has recently made it fairly obvious that she thinks I'm not good enough for her son, (basically told me it would be best if I just moved back to my home town!!) and that she doesn't like my parenting skills - just because she is my DD's Gran (more's the pity) doesn't give her the right to speak to me the way she has done. She constantly oversteps the mark by sticking her nose in, but apparently I'm the only one who sees it as intereference, she is "all about family and just wants to help". I am off the opinion that if I or my OH want help, we'd ask for it, I don't particulary want it thrust upon me, especially not by her. My DD is a smart cookie already and I'm pretty sure she'll be able to sense that the MIL isn't too keen on me and will come to her own conclusions when she's old enough, if MIL is still around.

Thats pretty awful of your MIL to be, saying things like that about his father, thats definately overstepping the line!!

Another thing I tell myself all the time, that someone has already posted, is that I will NEVER interfere in my children's personal lives like this when they are in their 30's - nor would my own mother to me actually.

I must say on a lighter note, there are some hillarious names and comments about MILs on this thread, it brought a smile to my face if nothing else! :rotfl:

crapwithcash82

socrates wrote: »

The only overall point I will make is - all of these posts teach us one thing.

Try not to be the horrid person being discussed when you are older.

i.e. make sure your kids and their partners do not feel the same way about you

Dont make the same mistakes your parents or in-laws do with your own kids.....

:T:T:T:T:T

socrates, this is the BEST post on this thread.... I constantly tell myself this on a daily basis!!

Turning out like my MIL or any other MIL from hell would be my ultimate worst nightmare!!

Great post - well said!! x

luxor4t

lexilex wrote: »

Today my boyfriends step-dad text him telling him they were having a party at the weekend and telling him what time to get there.... snipped

Maybe they order him around this way because he lets them?

MiL treated DH like he was a silly little boy but he never said a word, so she carried on...and on.

It got to the point where she would dictate what would happen and he would agree even if it meant disappointing me & the kids.

Took a while and some serious tongue chewing on my part, but his foot finally went down. (OK, probably 20 years too late, but he did cut the umbillical cord).

Guess what? she didn't explode, drop dead from [STRIKE]spite[/STRIKE] shock or accuse him of being ungrateful. She did try to argue, but he explained calmly and in the end she agreed. He's going to keep it like this now

If your OH allows his family to call the shots then they will do so because they will think he likes it that way.

prettypoppyknickers

it must just be me then because if his mother bugs me i tell him and visa versa.

i tend to avoid going over there because i come back feeling like i am a bad person for sending a hundred c.vs on and not getting a interview and feel like they are ganging up on me about a number of things that has nothing to do with her.

so i tell him that and he just leaves me at home and makes a excuse.

the same with my family, he can handle my two brothers in small doses but not every weekend while i could see my mother on a daily basis and if i dont i ring her at least twice a day or she'll ring me.

maybe talk to your partner about it in a nice way maybe something like why does your dad just expect us to go doesn't he think we may have plans? donno how that would work for you but it works fine for me.