Do you have to get on with in-laws for a relationship to be successful?

LouBlue

sy1979 wrote: »

I do believe it is a probelm in my and o/h relationship he never stands up for me and i know its a very delicate thing to say negative things about his mum. So after ten years of it I have now come to the conclusion that i just have to stand up to her and tell her how she makes me feel, and i am getting myself ready for the weekend ahead. And thanks to all that wrote about your own experiences it has helped me to prepare for the dreaded arrival. Thanks

Yes you do have to stand up for yourself, in a diplomatic way. Yes, it is his mum, that will never change, and it won't help things if you criticise her to him BUT he is your partner and he should be standing up for you in certain situations.

Sparky09

This looks like a good place to let off some steam, which if I don't do so soon my head may just explode. I've been with my wife for 6 years, married for two. We've twice lived approximately 25 miles from in laws, yet in this whole time they never visited us once, guilt tripping my wife in to visiting them. Even though I work nights full time, and look after our son 3 days a week while wife at work, I'm asked why I haven't got a better job. She even emails job advertisements to me even though I make it clear I enjoy my job.

When wife was pregnant, MIL put her under huge pressure to get married even though neither of us saw it as a necessity, yet wife bowed to pressure so the wedding was on. With in space of two months and with wonderful help from my family we had a fantastic day on a budget of two grand. But whenever someone mentions to MIL what a lovely day it was, her response is 'well it was ok, at least it didn't rain.' And whenever someone gets married on tv or she sees pictures of a celebrity wedding, she'll point it out to my wife and say 'what a shame you didn't have that.'

During the birth of our son, she was fully aware my wife wanted it to be just the two of us in the delivery room, yet MIL invited herself in and stayed the whole tedious 27 hours of it making it the worst experience of my life...which I'm disappointed to say about the birth of my only child but it was a never ending nightmare, being made to feel like a third wheel at birth of own child, and told repeatedly I'm not doing anything right. I had no idea mopping a brow and holding someones hand was meant to be so complex!!

Before son was born, my wife had a miscarriage, MIL's response was 'it was probably for the best.'

When FIL broke his leg, and was unable to work so they couldn't afford to attend a family wedding in Scotland, me and wife offered to pay for travel and accommodation. Being aged 21 we were on a tight budget so opted for Ryanair flight and hotel 5 minutes from wedding reception. MIL moaned the whole journey about the 'scummy' conditions on plane, and how embarrassing it was in front of family not staying at the hotel where wedding reception based, but having to get a taxi! Not once did she say thank you for paying.

Now the final straw is we're living with them (more fool me!)...she was aware we're going all out saving every penny saving for a house deposit. Plus flat was getting a bit small with a child. As its now just her and FIL living at home, she said why don't we move in, this way we can save much quicker with out paying rent and bills. Sounded tempting, and while aware it would be a nightmare thought it would a sacrifice worth making.

We've been their two weeks and suddenly she's decided we should be paying £100 a week to cover rent and bills! We had a nice flat, which was cheap on rent and cost not much more than this. It was small but it was ours, now we have nothing except a double room which she'd rather we didn't decorate, we have no privacy, and have to constantly step on egg-shells because there are a million and one rules. Moving again is going to cost a fortune, and frankly struggling to see a way out. My wife is so far twisted around MIL's fingers its unreal, and although shes thoroughly !!!!ed off with her mums demands, she doesn't even want to move out as it'll create tension and look rude.

Of cause MIL spoils son rotten, which makes me and wife look like evil monsters in his eyes these days. Theres so many instances of her double crossing us, giving him chocolate when hes not allowed it, putting him down for a nap when asked not to, as its his bed time in a few hours, to today for instance, when she was feeding him her roll. Wife said not to as shes about to make him lunch and he won't eat it otherwise, so while wife preparing babies lunch, MIL feeds him the rest of the roll anyway! Then she looks at me to see my reaction. Agggggggggghhhhhhhhh drives me mad, but the time to say something was years ago and now I'm just a pathetic empty shell of a man who feels gagged and trampled on. After five years of practically being told your a disappointment, it begins to sink in after a while, and you feel inferior in the presence of someone. My wife has long been under this spell, and while she wants to get away, at the same time she wants to be even closer to MIL desperately seeking her approval. I choose the alternative route of just not speaking these days, if you don't speak its harder to disappoint I find.

Well I do feel a lot better now I've written all this out, apologies for the long post!

jellyhead

sy1979 wrote: »

So after ten years of it I have now come to the conclusion that i just have to stand up to her and tell her how she makes me feel, and i am getting myself ready for the weekend ahead.

If you can, tell her not to criticise you or argue in front of your children!

Sparky there's not a lot to say to your post If you ever do get out, if you have another child you can make her babysit the first one while your wife is in labour

My MIL is fine, and husband seems to think my mum's okay too. My ex boyfriend's mum was a potential MIL from hell though, but I think a lot depends on whether their 'child' can see it, and how they react to it.

luxor4t

sy1979 wrote: »

I really dont like my MIL I have been with other half for ten years and we have 2 small boys together, relationship with mil has always been a probelm and we have in the last 5 years moved 200 miles away from her to my own home town. She is in fact coming this weekend and i am dredding her arrival, she critizies me at every opportunity, and praises her son constantley and it really gets me down. He plays up to her like a child being on best behavoiur whilst she is here. She has very strong views on many subjects and cannot listen or agree if someone else has a different view. I do believe it is a probelm in my and o/h relationship he never stands up for me and i know its a very delicate thing to say negative things about his mum. So after ten years of it I have now come to the conclusion that i just have to stand up to her and tell her how she makes me feel, and i am getting myself ready for the weekend ahead. And thanks to all that wrote about your own experiences it has helped me to prepare for the dreaded arrival. Thanks

Swop 2 kids for 3, change 10 years to quite a lot more ,and you could be me!

Be calm, be matter-of-fact, make it a statement not a criticism, and maybe practise on OH first. He is probably unaware that he is a major part of this unhappiness.
"I feel very unhappy when your mother criticises me for

---

. Do you think you could support me?" is not aggressive,just a statement & a request.

We ended up in counselling before my DH finally realised the damage that had been done by his pretending everything was OK, that MiL "didn't really mean it" (yeah, right :rolleyes:) etc etc. Hated it at first,but it finally helped us immesurably.

She is still his mother & as such, is welcome to visit our home but now DH is aware that she is human and that he is not a child anymore and can disagree with her. I thought she was going to explode the first time he politely asked her to stop 'helping' him drive by telling him if the road was clear!

Goodluck.

jellyhead

sparky, just a thought - would a council house be better? what are your chances of getting one?

rosieben

Sparky I don't have any advice really but just wanted to send you sympathy, can't believe any mother would treat her family like this. Please don't let her take away your self confidence; I know it's hard (I was married to a man who wore me down till I was looking for a stone to crawl under).

I think you have to make getting out of there a priority.

And sympathies to everyone else who has a monster in the family.

catkins

I think it depends whether your partner gets on with his/her parents or not.

My mother in law is awful (father in law not much better) but my husband does not get on with them so I can say anything I like to him about them.

She hated the fact that I am 3 years older than him because "it is not normal, the man should be the older"!!!! We only knew each other 5 months before we got married so she kept insisting I must be pregnant and as we come out of the register office she said "well I'll give it a year if you're lucky"!!!!! What a nice thing to say to a couple who have just got married.

We have now been married for 30 happy years and have no children so she looks stupid now.

She also refused to take a day off work to come to our wedding even though she only worked as a dinner lady so we changed the date (more fool us and if we could go back in time we wouldn't).

Over the years I have not had that much contact with them. Whenever we did see each other she would be really nasty saying things like "oh have you had your hair cut" or "is that a new dress". If I said yes she would accuse me of spending my husband's money on myself. The stupid thing was at the time I earned £24,000 and he earned £12,000!!!!.

Now I probably see her once a year around Christmas time. OH goes to see them sometimes although not very often - luckily they do not live nearby. I don't even answer the phone to them - thank god for caller display.

OH gets on brilliantly with my parents who live close and will do anything for them from taking them shopping, to doing odd jobs around their house or garden. If his parents were nicer he would do things for them.

gibboelli

catkins wrote: »

OH gets on brilliantly with my parents who live close and will do anything for them from taking them shopping, to doing odd jobs around their house or garden. If his parents were nicer he would do things for them.

I think thats quite common, my brother in law and my other half adore my Mum, they think she is brilliant and more of a mum to them then their own ever was!

Also the fact that she's loves them the way they are and doesnt try to interfere may also go in her favour...

sy1979

Sparky09 wrote: »

This looks like a good place to let off some steam, which if I don't do so soon my head may just explode. I've been with my wife for 6 years, married for two. We've twice lived approximately 25 miles from in laws, yet in this whole time they never visited us once, guilt tripping my wife in to visiting them. Even though I work nights full time, and look after our son 3 days a week while wife at work, I'm asked why I haven't got a better job. She even emails job advertisements to me even though I make it clear I enjoy my job.

When wife was pregnant, MIL put her under huge pressure to get married even though neither of us saw it as a necessity, yet wife bowed to pressure so the wedding was on. With in space of two months and with wonderful help from my family we had a fantastic day on a budget of two grand. But whenever someone mentions to MIL what a lovely day it was, her response is 'well it was ok, at least it didn't rain.' And whenever someone gets married on tv or she sees pictures of a celebrity wedding, she'll point it out to my wife and say 'what a shame you didn't have that.'

During the birth of our son, she was fully aware my wife wanted it to be just the two of us in the delivery room, yet MIL invited herself in and stayed the whole tedious 27 hours of it making it the worst experience of my life...which I'm disappointed to say about the birth of my only child but it was a never ending nightmare, being made to feel like a third wheel at birth of own child, and told repeatedly I'm not doing anything right. I had no idea mopping a brow and holding someones hand was meant to be so complex!!

Before son was born, my wife had a miscarriage, MIL's response was 'it was probably for the best.'

When FIL broke his leg, and was unable to work so they couldn't afford to attend a family wedding in Scotland, me and wife offered to pay for travel and accommodation. Being aged 21 we were on a tight budget so opted for Ryanair flight and hotel 5 minutes from wedding reception. MIL moaned the whole journey about the 'scummy' conditions on plane, and how embarrassing it was in front of family not staying at the hotel where wedding reception based, but having to get a taxi! Not once did she say thank you for paying.

Now the final straw is we're living with them (more fool me!)...she was aware we're going all out saving every penny saving for a house deposit. Plus flat was getting a bit small with a child. As its now just her and FIL living at home, she said why don't we move in, this way we can save much quicker with out paying rent and bills. Sounded tempting, and while aware it would be a nightmare thought it would a sacrifice worth making.

We've been their two weeks and suddenly she's decided we should be paying £100 a week to cover rent and bills! We had a nice flat, which was cheap on rent and cost not much more than this. It was small but it was ours, now we have nothing except a double room which she'd rather we didn't decorate, we have no privacy, and have to constantly step on egg-shells because there are a million and one rules. Moving again is going to cost a fortune, and frankly struggling to see a way out. My wife is so far twisted around MIL's fingers its unreal, and although shes thoroughly !!!!ed off with her mums demands, she doesn't even want to move out as it'll create tension and look rude.

Of cause MIL spoils son rotten, which makes me and wife look like evil monsters in his eyes these days. Theres so many instances of her double crossing us, giving him chocolate when hes not allowed it, putting him down for a nap when asked not to, as its his bed time in a few hours, to today for instance, when she was feeding him her roll. Wife said not to as shes about to make him lunch and he won't eat it otherwise, so while wife preparing babies lunch, MIL feeds him the rest of the roll anyway! Then she looks at me to see my reaction. Agggggggggghhhhhhhhh drives me mad, but the time to say something was years ago and now I'm just a pathetic empty shell of a man who feels gagged and trampled on. After five years of practically being told your a disappointment, it begins to sink in after a while, and you feel inferior in the presence of someone. My wife has long been under this spell, and while she wants to get away, at the same time she wants to be even closer to MIL desperately seeking her approval. I choose the alternative route of just not speaking these days, if you don't speak its harder to disappoint I find.

Well I do feel a lot better now I've written all this out, apologies for the long post!

I really feel for you and your wife, I hope you dont mind me saying but MIL sounds materialistic. She possibly wants a reaction from you(when giving your child the roll when she was asked not to). I can understand living under the same roof as me and O/H did pre kids and it was very hard. I do not believe it is to late to say something, does your wife really know how unhappy this is making you? You need to be more assertive with MIL, that is your son and your wife and if MIL did something she was asked not to do then stand up and tell her, then maybe your wife will follow suit. I really hope things work out for you. I sympathise with you because I have felt like you for years, and I am going to get a backbone and stand up to her its my last try otherwise my kids will grow up seeing her critize me and i dont want them hurt. Good luck

Sparky09

Hey Jellyhead, on council house list but chances of getting a place are extremely slim. I don't know if situation is dire all over the country but in south east its terrible, I know of people in really bad circumstances who have already been waiting five years, including a family of four generations living under one roof, makes me cringe just thinking about it!

At end of the day, I do have some money stored away for that house deposit so when the day comes that the situation comes to boiling point, there is a way out, just will be depressing having to dip in to it and spend it on renting again, as will never get a flat as cheap as previous one.

Sy, that is spot on, she is desperate to get a reaction out of me, so she can go around telling everyone what a monster I am. I don't want to give her the satisfaction but at the same time saying nothing is not improving the situation either. Tbh wife not really aware of how I feel, but pointless saying something, she seems to idolise her mum, and won't hear a bad word about her even when she is frustrated herself. Seeing as most of the incidents happen when wife is not around, I don't want to approach that potentially uncomfortable situation of her word against mine, as I'd rather not know who she may choose to believe. Paternal love can blind people even when the reality is obvious to see.

Anyway, feeling a lot more calmer today, Sundays are when blood pressure goes through the roof after spending the weekend with them! Good thing about working nights is I very rarely see them mid-week. Bit sad when you dread being off work, but on the plus side it does makes being at work a lot more pleasurable!