Do you have to get on with in-laws for a relationship to be successful?

LouBlue

luxor4t wrote: »

Oh carp, you just reminded me, almost time for her annual summer lets-make-luxor-miserable visit :wall:

Oh dear.

Princess_Jane

I could write the book on this...but it would be too traumatic.

I live in a house owned by my inlaws, and they spend A LOT of time here.

Week three of a three-week visit, 10 visits in a year of between one and three weeks.

Yep, you do the maths. We've had the MIL (haha) of all bust ups after my OH told them it wasn't on as when they first started staying here they did treat it like their home...mess everywhere, drank all my booze, noisy TV early doors, SIL here all the time.

Things are much better now but whatever happens my OH will always be mammy's little soldier warped by evil neat-freak byatch.

He's 31 and 20st, BTW - little bluddy soldier.

rosieben

I must say a word in defence of normal MIL’s

I vowed never to be clingy or manipulating with my kids, I stepped back as they became old enough to make their own decisions. I would never criticise their partners, never demand they attend family functions or anything like that, I had way too much of that from my own mother! I brought them up to live their own lives, make their own choices (and mistakes sometimes as we all do) and to choose their own path, and the same thing applies now I’m a MIL; incidentally, I love my SIL dearly, and we get on very well

My DS has just separated from his partner of several years. I’m actually very relieved as I just couldn’t take to her (and I did try, honestly!) although I won’t tell him that. She’s the first partner of the many he’s had since teens, that I didn’t get on with. I did worry about how things would be if they had a family as she made no secret of the fact that she wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship with me.

My kids know that whatever decisions they make they have my 100% support. I’m sure most MIL’s are like me and just want to see their kids happy. Thankfully I never had a monster MIL :eek: as some of you have, and you have my heartfelt sympathy!

As for whether or not you need to get on with in-laws for your relationship to work, that very much depends on what sort of a relationship you have with your partner, but the fact that my DS and partner have split up is nothing to do with the relationship I [STRIKE]had[/STRIKE] didn't have with her, so I think the answer is no. Maybe the best option is to discuss with your partner - calmly and without blame - the problems you have and how they make you feel, and then come up with options between you, for instance he might visit his parents mostly on his own, and you will only go occasionally.

LouBlue

rosieben wrote: »

and then come up with options between you, for instance he might visit his parents mostly on his own, and you will only go occasionally.

Which is what we do. I used to go with him all the time and just got so depressed, we used to argue about it when we got home. He didn't really want to go but knew he had to, but I didn't want to go! So he goes up there on his own, but she does come down here sometimes and obviously I don't disappear, she is more bearable down here, on my turf, but in her house, it just has a depressing atmosphere!

rosieben

LouBlue wrote: »

Which is what we do. I used to go with him all the time and just got so depressed, we used to argue about it when we got home. He didn't really want to go but knew he had to, but I didn't want to go! So he goes up there on his own, but she does come down here sometimes and obviously I don't disappear, she is more bearable down here, on my turf, but in her house, it just has a depressing atmosphere!

good compromise LB, I think cutting down the amount of time spent in bad company is always a good idea

LouBlue

rosieben wrote: »

good compromise LB, I think cutting down the amount of time spent in bad company is always a good idea

As my dear mum used to say, people are either radiators or drains. When you leave someone's company you should either feel energised or drained, if it is the latter, stay away.

luxor4t

rosieben wrote: »

I must say a word in defence of normal MIL’s

I vowed never to be clingy or manipulating with my kids, I stepped back as they became old enough to make their own decisions. I would never criticise their partners, never demand they attend family functions or anything like that, I had way too much of that from my own mother! I brought them up to live their own lives, make their own choices (and mistakes sometimes as we all do) and to choose their own path, and the same thing applies now I’m a MIL; incidentally, I love my SIL dearly, and we get on very well

My DS has just separated from his partner of several years. I’m actually very relieved as I just couldn’t take to her (and I did try, honestly!) although I won’t tell him that. She’s the first partner of the many he’s had since teens, that I didn’t get on with. I did worry about how things would be if they had a family as she made no secret of the fact that she wasn’t interested in any kind of relationship with me.

My kids know that whatever decisions they make they have my 100% support. I’m sure most MIL’s are like me and just want to see their kids happy. Thankfully I never had a monster MIL :eek: as some of you have, and you have my heartfelt sympathy!
...snipped

Well said! Please adopt DH, so you can be my MiL :wave:

The crazy thing is that my real MiL never went near her own MiL, never had her to the flat and avoided the whole family if at all possible even though they all lived in the same small town.

I wonder how she would react if I followed her example?

rosieben

Sorry, I know I was off topic really but I was getting a bit depressed hearing about all these monster MIL's My family isn't perfect by any means, we've had our problems like all families do, but we've come through it stronger I think. I'm very proud of my family and proud of how they're choosing to live their lives.

I'd love to be your adopted MIL Luxor!

skintchick

I think it makes life much easier if you try to get on, but that goes for both sides - they should definitely call you by the correct name!

I find my ILs difficult as they don;t read a newspaper or watch the news, so we have nothing to talk about, whereas my parents are well-informed about lots of things and have interests so there is always smething to talk about.

But the ILs don't demand much conversation so we can go round, have a cup of tea, sit in silence (!!), watch a bit of TV, and then leave. Of course, no matter how long we've stayed MIL always complains we have only stopped for 'less than an hour' even if it is two or three hours, which does drive me a touch insane, but I ignore it.

I know my MIL finds me hard sometimes because she doesn't understand my sense of humour (we are quite sarcastic in my family) and often thinks I'm being rude when I'm not, but I never find this out till later when she moans to my OH so I can't do much about it other than trying to tone it down a bit.

I involve them in our lives by arranging things to do - next weekend we are going to the Baby Show together withmy parents as I'm expecting, and before we got married I went shopping with both mums for their outfits.

But we don't visit that much I guess - probably once every couple of months, which feels loads to me as I only used to see my parents three or four times a year, but my MIL thinks it like never because OH used to go round there three times a week till I stole him and made him move 100 miles away!

Mostly I ignore what annoys me as we don't see them that much, and if we got a text about a party then if we coudn't go we'd just say we couldn't go - I don't know how it was phrased so can't really comment but it's hard to imagine it was an order to attend? Maybe it was just badly worded? I know my ILs wouldn't know HOW to text!

sy1979

I really dont like my MIL I have been with other half for ten years and we have 2 small boys together, relationship with mil has always been a probelm and we have in the last 5 years moved 200 miles away from her to my own home town. She is in fact coming this weekend and i am dredding her arrival, she critizies me at every opportunity, and praises her son constantley and it really gets me down. He plays up to her like a child being on best behavoiur whilst she is here. She has very strong views on many subjects and cannot listen or agree if someone else has a different view. I do believe it is a probelm in my and o/h relationship he never stands up for me and i know its a very delicate thing to say negative things about his mum. So after ten years of it I have now come to the conclusion that i just have to stand up to her and tell her how she makes me feel, and i am getting myself ready for the weekend ahead. And thanks to all that wrote about your own experiences it has helped me to prepare for the dreaded arrival. Thanks