When to start dating again?

burnoutbabe

spending the whole weekend with a bloke you have only just met always makes them withdrawn into their caves afterwards (actually same with me after that long with anyone). would have been better to have one night rather than 2 long days with him.

Did you actually make it clear you fancied him and want to (eventually) get jiggy with him?

Taye

Needing space and calling it off are two entirely different things, i can understand the need for space but god help him if he can't spend 2 days with a person before feeling the need to call the whole thing off??! what would he do if he was every married living 24/7 in the same house as someone?

Nope i must have done something wrong,

i dunno maybe i sent him mix messages or maybe i didnt live up to the fantasies he's been building for the last "god knows how long" or maybe he was just hoping for a dirty weekend away and got annoyed/upset when i shot that idea down in flames on the friday night.

I dunno i just know i feel rubbish!

Craftyscholar

Taye - hugs. You have not done anything wrong.

Please re-read Lunar Eclipse's last post.

duchy

I don't think you did anything wrong -I think he's just a bit freaked out. He's probably never (knowingly) known anyone who has gone through the stuff you have. Once he's got over been scared he'll either be back -which I think is more likely -or won't but you'll in the end look back on him as the guy who made you realise there IS a big world out there and that you DO want some of it.
I know how huge going away was-and I'd feel let down too that that big step wasn't the immediate success you hoped for-but you did try and that is what counts. If Dave's not the guy you thought he was-then better to know now.......and if he is he'll be back .
Big hugs for you

Taye

So what do you think then?? send him one last email laying my cards on the table then give him space to decide what to do with it?

mumofjusttwo

I would. I do wonder whether he is giving you a get out clause IYSWIM.

Do you maybe need to spell it out to him that you want to be his girlfriend. See what he says. I guess...

Sorry I know I am not much help.

sarymclary

That wouldn't be such a bad idea, although I think I'd leave it a day or so until I sent it. Give him his virtual shed for a while.

We can only guess at what he is thinking, and feeling. It could well be that he feels inexperienced, and inept at dealing with the past experiences you have endured. If you were quite frank and open with explaining things, then that may have been somewhat shocking for him. That isn't to say that what you told him was wrong. If he was ever going to share your life, he would have had to known about it sooner or later (sooner was better). He may be feeling angry at your ex, unable to imagine how you coped, wondering why you tolerated it for so long, etc.

My BF cannot imagine how I could have been totally controlled by my ex, and how I put up with so much for so long. I was married, I had young children, I had no other income, I was dependent, and I thought I was meant to keep trying to make it work. I think he felt I must have been talking about a different person, someone much weaker than who I am now, and in some respects, he'd be right. By the same token, I have to deal with aspects of my BF's past that he's less than proud of. Having spent his entire long-term relationship prior to me having numerous affairs, how could I ever trust him, and why would he stop now? Then I saw a couple of his exes, and OMG! they were just awful people to look at, and as people too, and then that made me question his judgement, and wonder why he'd do that, or even how?!!

We don't know exactly what you shared with Dave, but from the little he's now said, I wonder if he sees he's been given the role of 'rebuilding' you? Perhaps his interpretation is that you are so fragile, emotionally, and have endured so much physically, that he feels he is just incapable of being what HE feels you need. He sounds scared of what he feels is now the road ahead with you. Maybe he needs reassuring that just being him is all you need? You aren't so fragile that you aren't able to love and be loved again, and in fact that was something you were really looking forward to sharing with someone as lovely as him.

The guy sounds like he needs a whole lot of reassurance, which may seem a bit unfair on you, since it's you who has had to cope with all the !!!! in the past, but you're used to it by now, and he simply isn't.

Think long and hard about what you want though, and don't sell yourself short by any means. If Dave isn't strong enough emotionally to be a rock to lean on, then perhaps he isn't right for you, but you've got to know him fairly well over the past few weeks, and you clearly felt he was right for you.

The other problem here is that Dave can't throw money at this problem, it calls upon him, and his tenacity to be who you need - no wonder he's running scared! This could well be throwing up his own personal demons, feelings of emotional inadequacy, etc.

There certainly would be no harm in telling Dave that you still fancy the rocks off him, and that you like him too much to want to let him go so easily. If he's still not keen to continue, then you could ask if you could remain friends, and in doing so the contact is maintained, and he may feel able to talk in time.

Lunar_Eclipse

Taye wrote: »

So what do you think then?? send him one last email laying my cards on the table then give him space to decide what to do with it?

Yes I would (although you already know that!:D)

Sary has put a lot of detail in her latest post re: might be going on for him currently; worth reading. I wouldn't write too much though. Short and sweet but enough to get the message across.

Sorry you are feeling so low Taye, especially after having such a lovely time with him. If it helps, hold onto those happy thoughts and feel proud of yourself for opening up to him and getting this far. xx

Threebabes

I think youve given him enough chances and maybe it wasnt meant to be.

Good luck in whatever u decide to do.

Taye

Ok i know im obbsessing and i know it's not healthy!!

But i just feel.... gah i don't even know how i feel.

I sat down with him on friday and i pretty much told him everything, no graphic detail but enough that he understood where i have come from and how much i'd had to re-build. Baring in mind i don't think i've EVER told anyone as much about my past as i told him, outside a therapists office.. i just feel, sick.

I just don't talk about it, EVER.. i don't feel it's a discussion that in most situations achives anything. I don't want people looking at me that way, feeling sorry for me giving me there pity i want to be judged on who i am NOW, not who i was then.

I only told him because i felt he had a right to know why i freaked out so often, i thought it would help him understand why i wanted to take things slowly and why the physical side of things might not always run smoothly.

Hell i havn't even told my mother or sister about what really happened, they've got their own conclusions im sure but i don't tell people i never ever wanted to risk the new's getting back to my son, heck it's the last thing a boy needs to know.. hell kids don't even like thinking of thier parents "doing it" never mind like that ...

the rest is the same i don't bad mouth their father i, even though to be fair perhaps they deserve to know what an !!! he was? but even after everything that happened i wanted the boy's to be in a situation where if in the future they wanted to hunt him out they could without a whole bunch of "bad stuff mum told them" clouding thier judgment, sure they know "bits" they know it was thier dad's choice not to see them, and frankly i think thats upseting enough for a child, even if they don't even remeber him.

I just feel sick and i don't even think it's the thought of losing dave that makes me sick, it more that for the first time in years i let someone in, let him know stuff that i don't talk about, things i try my best not to think about ... and now he's gone i let him that close and he just wandered away as though it was nothing.

Ok im rambling now... "imagine 10 more pages of waffle" and your almost there...

ugh.