When to start dating again?

Justamum

Mutter wrote: »

Do you know that the favoured way of !!!!!philes "aquiring a victim", is to befriend a single mother, especially one who is struggling a bit, and lavish money on her and her children?

I feel so sorry for men these days. We have the media whipping everybody up into hysteria about !!!!!s, so some people are suspicious of any man in the vicinity of any child! The vast majority of men are thoroughly decent and are just as disgusted about !!!!!s as women are. (And not all women are decent to children either, let's not forget)

And AnW'sMum is hardly abusing you!

Taye

Wow didn't this thread run away with it's self?

Mutter i thank you for your concern but the issue you speak of i actually have personal experience of which is one of the reason's why people say im way to over protective of my children and it is why i rarely if ever leave my children with babysitters and one of the reasons why i don't let my kids sleep over at other childrens houses etc.

My best friend in the WHOLE world was convicted, and sent to jail about 8 years ago a man i used to leave my children with all the time and a man who is actually my eldest sons god father and althought there has never been any evidence or reason to belive he touched my kids (well my eldest the youngests wasn't born, as apparently his taste runs to girls not boys) it was a harsh lesson in trust and i made some tough tough decisions the hardest of which was did i still want contact with this man? could i still be a friend to him?

incidently DO YOU KNOW what happen's to you if your friend is conviced of pedophillia and it's found out that they where your sons godfather? and where left alone with your child?? I STILL get visit's from the social services.. i still have to sit thought hours and hours worth of checks on a regular basis while stupid ignorant people assume that just because i was his friend it means i must be one too!! add an abusivng husband the mix and i think my children will be on the "at risk list" for the rest of thier childhood with constent assessments and checks to make sure im keeping them safe ... and i sware the social services think they are mostly at risk from myself.

However it's all ment that i am very warey of who i leave my kids with, Dave isn't someone i've known for 2 weeks he's someone i've dated for 2 weeks but known well for about 3 months (in a gym capacity) but still i would never let my kids stay with him alone.

I think my main point is that really 2weeks - 16 years it really doens't matter these guys are clever i knew my friend for 16 years without suspecting a thing, never in 16 years did i EVER have any reason to belive he was that sort of guy.

so what does that mean ?? i could spend the next 20 years of my life hiding from everyone because really anyone could be that sort of person? and as ive learn't just knowing them for XXX months doens't realy change that?? or i can simply protect my kids the best i can taking a leap of faith that MOST guys are not that sort of guy?? it doens't mean i'd leave them with someone unsupervised, certainly not with dave just yet.

However i do like to think that im close with my kids and i'd like to think i'd notice if something like that was happening, my kids tell me pretty much everything and i've done the "bad people" drill with them a 100 times so i'd like to think they would tell me.

I think at the end of the day bettween having a friend convicted of pedophillia, an abusive ex husband and having my kids beat up while under the care of a babysitter i've had my share of reasons not to trust people alone around my kids to not take too many un-needed chances when it comes to thier care.

Still i don't think it means i should curl up under a rock and mistrust every human in the world either? be warey yes ... but i'm not sure what i should do?? what if someone says hello in the park do i grab my kids and run?? of course not that would be silly .. people meet my kids every day i can't keep my kids in an isolated bubble where they never meet anyone unless i've known them for 6 years and have 8 references, the best i can do is make sure my kids are always supervised by me where possible when meeting new people.

mumofjusttwo

Well Taye You certainly seem to have your head screwed on the right way and whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and your children.

As you mentioned you can't late you kids and keep them in a bubble all there life but you need to be sensible (and you are doing that)

Have you decided what you are doing or are you going to have a serious chat with him when he sees you next.

jinky67

Taye wrote: »

Wow didn't this thread run away with it's self?

Mutter i thank you for your concern but the issue you speak of i actually have personal experience of which is one of the reason's why people say im way to over protective of my children and it is why i rarely if ever leave my children with babysitters and one of the reasons why i don't let my kids sleep over at other childrens houses etc.

My best friend in the WHOLE world was convicted, and sent to jail about 8 years ago a man i used to leave my children with all the time and a man who is actually my eldest sons god father and althought there has never been any evidence or reason to belive he touched my kids (well my eldest the youngests wasn't born, as apparently his taste runs to girls not boys) it was a harsh lesson in trust and i made some tough tough decisions the hardest of which was did i still want contact with this man? could i still be a friend to him?

incidently DO YOU KNOW what happen's to you if your friend is conviced of pedophillia and it's found out that they where your sons godfather? and where left alone with your child?? I STILL get visit's from the social services.. i still have to sit thought hours and hours worth of checks on a regular basis while stupid ignorant people assume that just because i was his friend it means i must be one too!! add an abusivng husband the mix and i think my children will be on the "at risk list" for the rest of thier childhood with constent assessments and checks to make sure im keeping them safe ... and i sware the social services think they are mostly at risk from myself.

However it's all ment that i am very warey of who i leave my kids with, Dave isn't someone i've known for 2 weeks he's someone i've dated for 2 weeks but known well for about 3 months (in a gym capacity) but still i would never let my kids stay with him alone.

I think my main point is that really 2weeks - 16 years it really doens't matter these guys are clever i knew my friend for 16 years without suspecting a thing, never in 16 years did i EVER have any reason to belive he was that sort of guy.

so what does that mean ?? i could spend the next 20 years of my life hiding from everyone because really anyone could be that sort of person? and as ive learn't just knowing them for XXX months doens't realy change that?? or i can simply protect my kids the best i can taking a leap of faith that MOST guys are not that sort of guy?? it doens't mean i'd leave them with someone unsupervised, certainly not with dave just yet.

However i do like to think that im close with my kids and i'd like to think i'd notice if something like that was happening, my kids tell me pretty much everything and i've done the "bad people" drill with them a 100 times so i'd like to think they would tell me.

I think at the end of the day bettween having a friend convicted of pedophillia, an abusive ex husband and having my kids beat up while under the care of a babysitter i've had my share of reasons not to trust people alone around my kids to not take too many un-needed chances when it comes to thier care.

Still i don't think it means i should curl up under a rock and mistrust every human in the world either? be warey yes ... but i'm not sure what i should do?? what if someone says hello in the park do i grab my kids and run?? of course not that would be silly .. people meet my kids every day i can't keep my kids in an isolated bubble where they never meet anyone unless i've known them for 6 years and have 8 references, the best i can do is make sure my kids are always supervised by me where possible when meeting new people.

well said :T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T


so what happened with Dave then?:D

rach29

Well said Taye :T

Have you made any decisions yet?

SugarSpun

Taye, would you consider telling him that he's moving too fast for you, and that you'd prefer to keep things at an old fashioned courtship sort of level for this month? Completely chaperoned visits at all times, or else just talking over the phone?

It seems to me that he's much further along the path than you because he's been on it much longer. He's already built your relationship into one that lasts forever in his mind, whereas it's completely new to you and I don't blame you for feeling blindsided and wary.

The contract away could be the making of your relationship because it will force you to talk to each other away from the physical dilemmas of where he puts his hands and whether you should kiss him. So make the most of it. Settle down and learn about him, his childhood, his past, likes, dislikes, plans for the future and so on. Teach him the same things about you. It might help you decide one way or the other in a way that isn't kind of, Oh, b@lls to this it's not worth the trouble.

He sounds like a good guy who's determined not to lose something he thinks is precious. That's a good quality in a man, and although you're right to be wary I think he deserves a bit of arms-length exploration to see if you might not be wrong to write him off.

Besides, if after a month you decide not to keep him - you've lost nothing and gained so much from having him around.

Edit: I had a friend who was recently convicted for child pornography and who was suspected of assaulting small children of both sexes. It's not possible to tell, they don't carry bags of sweets and wear brown macs so they're readily identifiable. It's wise to be wary but not to let the possibility of a pervert ruin your life.

Taye

Uh do we really need to talk about him?? pedophillia is a much simpler conversation.

jinky67

Taye wrote: »

Uh do we really need to talk about him?? pedophillia is a much simpler conversation.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:



yes we do......spill the beans...come on:A

AnW'sMum

Taye I am so sorry to read of the experiences you and your boys have been through so far and I applaud you for both your post and the way on which you have handled these situations.

You do not have to share any information or justify your actions to anyone here but giving these insights does help me understand your concerns and fears for now and in the future. Given what has happened in the past I am in total awe of how far you have come in these few short weeks since you started speaking to Dave, you are one strong lady

Your instincts have served you well in the past and ill serve you well in the future, I wish you well in your journey.

Taye

Well i spoke to him last night on the phone, i think i managed to call things off though it's hard to tell most of the conversation was spent with me in tears and him utterly confused.

to sum up i think it pretty much involved a 2 hours phone conversation where i cried and ranted at him down the phone, split up with him, got back wih him on the condition that he slowed the F**K down, split up with him again , got back together ...... erm add more ranting and crying ... then i sort of lost track so i have no idea if were together or not!

I know he want's to move our weekend together up to this weekend, his reasoning is that we can sit down talk and sort things out without the "stress hassle and disruptions" of the kids etc and maybe out of the home enviroment we can work out what the hell we (meaning me) want and the speed at which to take it ... or not take it as the case maybe.