When to start dating again?

Taye

Money_maker wrote: »

Thing I'm worried about is that if you call it a day over the phone, he will hotfoot it back home (job or no job) to see you and 'talk'.

Yes that had crossed my mind

Errata

Taye, have you thought that the intimacy issues you have at the moment are compounded by Dave's behaviour ? Just a thought. He's in too much of a rush for a great many women and doing things like sulking because he can't set the intimacy pace looks like he considers his needs before those of others.
I think you've been thrown in at the deep end without being given a chance to test the temperature of the water.
It must be very difficult for you right now, but you're learning what behaviours sit easily with you and which are unacceptable. If I remember correctly, his friends have told him he goes in too fast and heavy and frankly if he pays no attention to what his friends say, who truly have his best interests at heart and know him very, very well, then the likelihood of him paying attention to how you want things to go may be vanishingly small. There seems to be a pattern to his behaviour, and patterns aren't easily changed. Only he can do it.

sarymclary

Only you can make a choice about how you choose to spend your life. Whether you choose to share that with another person, or continue to dedicate yourself to being a good mum, is down to you.

I chose to dedicate myself to my boys, and felt that was the right choice for them, and a less complicated choice for me. Like you, I didn't like the hassle, and I certainly didn't need the drama. I thought they could do with the stability, and prevent us from being hurt, let down, etc.

7 years down the line, and having a curve ball come my way, in the form of my now BF, I had to do some very hard thinking, and make a choice for me and them that I'd not anticipated having to make. I had regular bouts of doubting what I might be doing, and was it right for them/me, but last week my 15 y/o son said to my BF 'I wish you'd been my original dad, like my real one, and that I'd had you here all my life'. My 15 y/o is a very challenging child, to say the least, so to get that kind of remark from him is like a miracle.

I have a couple of phrases that you might care to ponder on:

'you have to go down the tube, to come back up again'

and

'no !!!!!, no light'

I agree that life is much simpler not being in a relationship. You don't have to think about anyone else, you only please yourself, you call all the shots, you have total control, you don't have to share time, space or yourself, it's safer, you don't get hurt, you have to look out for yourself, you have full responsibility for everything, your life stays pretty much the same.

You just have to ask yourself if that is what you are after? Is that what you crave, more than sharing your time, space, decisions, responsibilities, etc?

7 years ago I'd have probably said I preferred the quieter life, and wanted to stick with it just being me and my boys. Now, I realise that he has been slowly, but surely enriching our lives, and providing them with a good, positive male role model. Their biological father fell far short of that.

If, in 20 years time one of your sons were in the same predicament as you, what would you want for him, what would you say if he came to you for advice, how do you think he would be happiest (remember, you won't always be there for him when you advise him)? Stay safe, or take a chance?

whitewing

sarymclary,

That is a lovely post.

taye,

I used to worry so much about letting someone into my life. I didn't want to get used to having him around, or the money that he could help provide, and then possibly have to do without it....it seemed worse than never having it.

I am, however, glad I took the risk.

NAR

Sorry I think that is a shocking conclusion to jump to about someone you don't know!:mad:

littlemissmoney

Mutter wrote: »

Do you know that the favoured way of !!!!!philes "aquiring a victim", is to befriend a single mother, especially one who is struggling a bit, and lavish money on her and her children?

:eek::eek::eek: Talk about scaremongering :eek::eek::eek: :rolleyes: Do you think his friend is in on this too then? :rolleyes:

Taye, I hope tonights phone call went ok. Wishing you all the best, whatever you decided :A

k2tog

That is a huge leap, and not at all helpful.

MissMitch

Mutter wrote: »

Seems to me Taye is most uncomfortable with how things are progressing.
I would be too.
Trust your intincts Taye.
Wanting to be a Dad to the boys? Stop him.

Taye, you hardly know him. Do you know that the favoured way of !!!!!philes "aquiring a victim", is to befriend a single mother, especially one who is struggling a bit, and lavish money on her and her children?

The reason for this new way, is that Police checks are making it so much harder for Pedos to operate within schools etc.

Oh, What a spoilsport I am, blah.

Go with your instincts, which I know are, giving out red flashing signals, see it in your posts, look after your boys.

Jeez! That's harsh...and rather paranoid. Don't forget this guy has had his own bad marriage break-up and must have his own issues to deal with. I agree that he comes across as rather pushy with things like that, (at least from what we've heard), but it strikes me as a man that desperately wants something to work out. Yes, if Taye really doesn't like the pace then she should get out, but let's not hang, draw and quarter the poor guy!

Also, sometimes my instincts tell me to get out of crowded shops run for home...it's called anxiety and if you let it rule your life you live the most dull existance known to man! :mad:

NAR

Taye wrote: »

I just don't have the energy or the determination to try and get over all my stuff, while trying to have a relationship with a man who needs a set of toddler harness's to keep him in check.
I know it sounds selfish but i really needed dave to be there for me right now, help me get over all my past so i could move on, but clearly he has way too much of his own stuff going on to be what i need right now.
I dunno maybe no man is?
i know its bad and i know im going to get shot down in flames, but really do i need a man? really i was perfectly happy without one?

Taye you have to remember you are not the only one that has been hurt previously.
Maybe you are right about Dave, but were you really "perfectly happy" before - don't kid yourself.You may have been in your own "comfort zone" - I think that is somewhat different from being happy.

BeenieCat

lol @ Mutter. I wasn't outraged to see what Mutter wrote, it made me laugh. It's true what he/she says, although i doubt it's the case with Dave.

lol