When to start dating again?

MissMitch

Taye, just a little observation..."My ex" has been demoted to "the last guy" :T:T:T
Whatever happens with dave, you're healing...and that's brilliant!!!!

As for dave, I think you need to be fairly firm and direct with him over this. Maybe say to him (and you probably have already) "Ok, you've got me, but you're moving far too fast and I'm not quite as comfortable with that as you are...I need you to relax and date me for a while without putting too much pressure on."

I think it's easy for anyone to get carried away early on when you're really into someone, my last boyfriend had practically moved into mine within a week :eek: but we we're so busy being love's not so young dream that we didn't actually find out if we got on well enough to live together first, and most importantly I didn't set any firm rules - i.e you want to live here you pay rent too! So all sorts of silly resentments grew and two years later it exploded when if we'd be a bit more sensible from the start maybe we could have made a real go of it...(maybe not ).

NAR

Taye, you have been told Dave has decided you are the one. You have told Dave how precious the boys are to you. So to please you he has decided in his head that the best way to please you is to show you he wants to be their dad.
Your approach IMHO is correct, it is too soon for him to be dad and he needs to be mummy's friend for another while yet.

Lunar_Eclipse

Taye wrote: »

Come on guys this is silly right it's been what 2 weeks? he can't possibly love me?? should i be finding this weird?

Whilst I can see where you're coming from, it is quite possible, especially when you know each other socially before getting together.

I met and worked with my DH for about 8 weeks before we got together one night (I can recall all the details of course). And the next day left my parents a note saying I was in love (cringe). I just knew he was the one from the outset. We discussed kids, growing up, everything from that day onwards. We were 18 and 19; that night was 19 years ago next month. I still feel the same about him.

It is different for different people. It doesn't mean anything that you feel different things at this point in time. So don't worry about what I've written, please!

Lunar_Eclipse

Re: slowing things down:

You could tell Dave that you like him a lot, but you need to get to know him (a lot) more before you can say he is 'the one' in the way he can about you. Explain it is because of your personality and life experience so far, not a reflection of him.

I would politely tell him that it is in his interests not to scare you off - by doing or saying anything long term (like buying bunk beds.) Consider telling him you just want to chat and date for the next 2 months (for example), after which you can have a review discussion. Personally, I would let him pay for some babysitting so that the boys are completely excluded from this period of time. Tell him this period of time is about the two of you as people; major problem solving is not allowed. Having said that, it does seem a little unfair to his personality of problem solving.

But if you do this, you need to stick to you it too. No gardening help at the weekend for example!

Having said all of this, I'm also wondering if all this discussion about how things are is just too much. So re: the bunk beds, maybe a quick "you didn't need to do that but it's your money and house, thanks for thinking of us" would suffice and then move on to asking how his day was, what he had for dinner etc etc. That way you are building the relationship, getting to know him, keeping it positive etc. Avoiding arguments I suppose. Might be worth trying for the next couple of phone calls.

Jet

Hi Taye,

I've been following your thread from the beginning.

I'm also a single Mum who's had a bad relationship in the past. I also met someone in the gym who seemed to very quickly think I was "the one" and starting declaring undying love and being a Dad to my son etc. To be honest, it made me run a mile.

I'm now dating a lovely guy and we've been together a year, but I too have those fears you have and it does affect us because every now and again I get that panicky feeling too and get scared of getting hurt and my son getting hurt also. I think that's normal, but the right person will understand and respect that and not make you feel uncomfortable.

Personally, I don't think you are unreasonable in feeling a bit uncomfortable with how things are going with Dave. I would find his behaviour quite disturbing and not particularly respectful. You have made your wishes quite clear and yet he still keeps pushing. Real love isn't something you can experience so quickly in my opinion. I think he thinks he is in love and maybe it will grow and develop into true love, but what's the rush? If you are meant to be together then just enjoy each day for what it is. Anyone who suggests moving in together after 2 weeks is a bit odd if you ask me, especially if there are children involved.

What I am saying is that love and respect should go hand in hand and if he seems unable to understand where you are coming from with regards to taking time and just being a friend to your children, then I can't help but wonder how much of this is about his own dreams and desires being pinned on you and the boys rather than being what is actually the right thing for you and your children.

Errata

I really appreaciate everyones comments and everyones points of view and i really do want to hear everyone's opinions, even the bad ones do don't keep quiet.

Thanks Taye - and I hope you don't read this as 'bad'.
I wrote in an earlier post (many pages ago !) that I thought Dave didn't understand boundaries. I haven't changed my mind, indeed my opinion was firmed up when I read he asked for your permission for him to take a four week contact away from home.
How could you give it?
You don't know his financial situation, his past career path and what his future aims are for his career. Coupled with the fact that you only started talking to each other a couple of weeks before so neither of you knows the other well, yet, how could he trust your judgment on this?
I wish you well, and a happy life. Listen to your inner 'Taye', it will tell you the truth about him and about yourself - if you listen.

duchy

I suspect if you were to ask Dave he'd say he wasn't pushing but was making sure you knew he was serious. He wants this to work so he's trying too hard !

This work assignment has come up at just the right time as it takes off physical pressures and forces you to TALK. Use it wisely-make it about getting to know each other and not about issues. Find out what his favourite colour is, what he liked at school, what his first pet was , what he wanted to be when he grew up ....if it's Pepsi or Coke , all the silly stuff -what makes him laugh.......and cry.
Get to know the person and stop worrying about tomorrow .

Do I think he respects you-yes-do I think he loves you-yes I think he believes he does-do you know each other-No not yet and that is the next step !

Taye

don't shout,

I think im going to call it, i mean i was struggling with the idea of some nice casual dating nothing serious or heavy and im just not sure i can cope with whats going on at the moment. Being pushed outside your comfort Zone is one thing but the last few days have gone beyond that and im not liking it at all.

jinky67

Taye wrote: »

don't shout,

I think im going to call it, i mean i was struggling with the idea of some nice casual dating nothing serious or heavy and im just not sure i can cope with whats going on at the moment. Being pushed outside your comfort Zone is one thing but the last few days have gone beyond that and im not liking it at all.

Honey, no-one is gonna shout at you:kisses3:

You have to do what you feel is right, and if you are feeling pressured then you need to tell him that.

I still dont think you should write it off completely.....you can still be gym buddies, and who knows maybe further down the line:cool:

But I think you still need to get out there doing more stuff, either on your own or with the boys. Be it social gatherings, classes, Scouts etc.....you need to find yourself. Sounds namby pamby I know but after my last relationship broke up, I kinda forgot who I was:o
Now though I have myself a life I am happy with and a me I am happy with, and both you and your boys deserve that:T:T:T

NOVASTAR

Taye - you must do what you feel - if this friendship with Dave makes you uncomfortable then its better to call it a day now and put him out of his misery and it also should take the stress away from you.
Perhaps this is not the one.
Just look at it this way - at least you realise that you are now ready to consider dating someone now ... whoever he may be, you also know that you are looking for someone who is prepared not to move as fast!
I wish you all the very best x