When to start dating again?

barnaby-bear

Taye wrote: »

stupid stupid stupid man.

Still can't quite decide if it's sweet or abit stalkerish though, maybe it's just my paranoid side.

30000 internet views, 34 pages of chat forum analysing him/his life - people find their own ways of coming to terms with their hopes and fears.....

barnaby-bear

whitewing wrote: »

I am absolutely confident that I would take a chance on someone I know I like. I would be able to trust my intuition. I think it is quite possible to know it's serious very quickly.

One close female friend confided she'd been out with a guy at sixth form for 13 months no sex - waiting until "ready" to lose her virginity - she went to uni. and shagged a bloke she met in the union (cheating on guy1) within 2 hours of meeting - they have been together 15 years now, married 12 and have two kids - they apparently "knew" it was serious..... totally not the type to have a one night stand.

Mutter_2

There's lots we are thinking Glossgal, only you were brave enough to broach it.

Taye

Stress...

Well we spoke and i think things are sorted ish, i explained my point about the whole bed thing, but im not sure he understands he's blatently never done without anything his entire life and that coupled with the fact that he does seem totally convinced that im "the one" made it very difficult to get though to him that i was concerned about what would happen if we split up and that i didn't want the boy's confused. I explained the home bed situation in an effort to make him understand but tbh it made things worse not better as now he's looking for ways to solve that too the whole affair was more than alittle frustrating.

I know he's just eager to please and i guess as someone else said mentally we are just to two different stages, 3 weeks ago i had never concidered even dating, while by that time he'd already made up his mind what he wanted.

I'm just amazingly confused right now, i have to admit i almost called the whole thing off last night, when dave was trying to convince me that he was just trying to be a "dad" to the boys. The boy's don't need a dad right now... i understand he's trying to be nice and helpful etc but being a friend to the boys would be quite enough at this stage i think, the last thing they need is to lose another dad if things don't work out bettween me and dave, granted thats always a risk but i'd like to work out if i wanted dave in my life in that way before they gained a father.

I really appreaciate everyones comments and everyones points of view and i really do want to hear everyone's opinions, even the bad ones do don't keep quiet.

I know dave seems to have quite a fanclub but at the end of the day as sad as it sounds i don't have anyone else to talk over this stuff with, and what ever happens this is my life so i need to hear the truth even if i don't like it.

I'm really hoping i can just slow him down because i do like him alot but this is all abit overwhelming at the moment.

jinky67

morning hun:hello:

i can see where you are coming from but sometimes men just dont *get* it. :cool:

Like I said before, I have been with my current OH for 7 months and we got serious pretty quickly. He asked me to move down to be with him ages ago, I said yes. BUT I need to think of my kids, and the things going on in their lives too, and sometimes he thinks I am *messing him about* (not quite the right words, but you get the idea)
I think like Dave he is very much used to getting what he wants and he will get it, but at my pace.

It is a huge move for me, I am vey much a creature of habit, and a bit of a homebody, and I will be moving 200 miles away from everything I know. It kinda freaks me out, but I wanna be with him, and I love him to death, but I dont wanna rush into things either.
Just keep talking to him hun, and try to make him see that he is pushing a bit too much, but do it gently, they are sensitive creatures after all:rotfl:

i know you might think we all want to see a happy ending but at the end of the day, the decision is yours and yours alone. You have already made great strides from where you were 2 weeks ago, you should be proud of yourself. Whatever you choose to do must be the right thing for you and your boys, but I still think you should give it your best shot....he could be the best thing that ever happened to you. I know my Daz is......i couldnt live without him now, and cant wait for the day when we are together permanently:j:j:j:j

Cissi

Thank you Taye for being so open about all this. I think it's helping a lot of us give a bit more thought to relationships in general and our own in particular!

Glossgal, I think most of us agree that two weeks and a handful of dates is too soon to be speaking of everlasting love. However, Taye doesn't exactly strike me as someone likely to jump into bed with a man because a bunch of strangers on an internet forum joke about buying hats for their wedding! What she most seems to lack is self-confidence, and she herself has said that she'd love to losen up a little. We're just trying to help her do this. Calling this "teenage drivel with no grip on reality" seems a bit harsh in my opinion.

Taye, stay safe, don't allow anyone to push you into anything you're not comfortable with, and most of all enjoy yourself!

mummy_Jay

Taye, I have a different approach for you on the bunk bed issue.

Try explaining about children and that if he rushes trying to play daddy, it may have a negitive effect and push then away as he will be unstablising there home/enviroment to suit him. He needs to understand he's the first man to step into your life and therefore the first time they are having to learn to share you with, these are early days and he needs to take small steps with them as well as you, to ensure they don't end up resenting him. He can't just walk into their lives and say 'here's daddy', he has to be there friend first and they will decided if he can be more not him.

Hotspur

jinky67 wrote: »

..............they are sensitive creatures after all:rotfl:

Too true we are and more sensitive than we are willing to admit most of the time!

Taye,

There are some warning signs here IMO, and you already know what they are, that need to be addressed. Any long term relationship should be based on trust and mutual respect and recognition of any differences. The more that one party takes over then the more resentment can enter the relationship e.g. not consulting on things or taking account of the other persons point of view. 'Dave' is doing what he believes is right but needs to be told 'whoa boy, you're moving too fast' in an assertive but appreciative way. A bull in a china shop comes to mind. Try and rein him in and in the future let him off the leash to build that extension you always wanted etc. etc.

As for him being a 'dad', once again too much too soon. In a previous relationship the GF's daughter who was at primary school accepted me and we did things as a family without me ever being her 'dad'. It was a proud moment when she told me that she told her teacher she was waiting for her 'dad' (me) to collect her. Dave needs to step back, get the children to get used to him being around, and wait for that to happen which it will naturally if/when it is the right time.

Dave still seems right for you and with a few ground rules in place you're both going places. It will be good for him as well as he has 'issues' to address. Maybe more than you. Good luck.

barnaby-bear

Taye wrote: »

Stress...


I'm just amazingly confused right now, i have to admit i almost called the whole thing off last night, when dave was trying to convince me that he was just trying to be a "dad" to the boys. The boy's don't need a dad right now... i understand he's trying to be nice and helpful etc but being a friend to the boys would be quite enough at this stage i think, the last thing they need is to lose another dad if things don't work out bettween me and dave, granted thats always a risk but i'd like to work out if i wanted dave in my life in that way before they gained a father.

I'm really hoping i can just slow him down because i do like him alot but this is all abit overwhelming at the moment.

Write him a long letter, email? So it's in black and white - not misheard.

Your kids need TIME to get to know him, as do you.

Thing is these things can spiral in on themselves. You are doing an awful lot of talking about the logistics and significance of the relationship.

Can't you spend the weeks while he's away having a chat every night about - MPs expenses, politics, vegetable growing, gym hygiene. There's loads of effort going into this dating thing to get past the basic logistics and both of your pasts.... and not much of the care-free fluff?

Still reckon the lads should go to scouts regardless of what Dave does/doesn't do.

whitewing

barnaby-bear wrote: »

Write him a long letter, email? So it's in black and white - not misheard.


Still reckon the lads should go to scouts regardless of what Dave does/doesn't do.

I agree with both of these.

The letter especially, as he will be able to sit and think about it.

Do take some quiet time for yourself too. You need to keep in touch with how you're feeling without trying to please Dave, his friends, your boys or us here. At the moment, you're having a lot to think about and deal with, so you can take time away from everything. (Just let us know you're having an MSE-free day, or we'll worry).