When to start dating again?

Quackers

Fwiw, I dont think it matters whether you sleep with someone on the first or the 100th date.

As long as its right for you that is all that matters.

I think Lunar Eclipse is right in saying you are the only person who can make time for this (or any other) relationship.

You have got to want to make it work - and making time for it is the only way this is going to happen.

Start looking for a half full glass.

not a half empty one

bluebell13

Oh dear Taye. I guess it's not just you who needs to sort out what they are looking for....I think he does too. Maybe this is all completely new to him too, and he's not sure how to take things. Maybe he was hoping for a hug just to reassure him that you do have feelings for him. I guess his response now will be your clue as to how to proceed. If he starts to back off, then he isn't the one to lead you towards a new way of life. If he comes back and wants to keep trying then give him another chance, but make it crystal clear there will be no physical relationship until you are good and ready, and he needs to respect that.

Lunar_Eclipse

Quackers wrote: »

Start looking for a half full glass.

not a half empty one

Lovely; well said.

sarymclary

Well, it was an eventful bank holiday at least!

Hello Taye, there's been some good snippets of advice here, and you should be able to glean from them lots of hints, and tips to help you out along the way.

All I wanted to say is, that I started dating again when I had 4 children either in primary school/nursery, and I agree, it is really difficult to get good childcare, and any that you can afford. I used a very sensible teenager to babysit initially, and usually only for 2hrs at a time. A lot of the time, I would invariably have to follow up an initial date or two, with 'home dates', where they would come to my house after the children had gone to bed (otherwise they'd have been too nosy to settle down), and then we'd have a spot of supper, or just a glass of wine, coffee, whatever, but it was not with the promise of 'extras' from me! It was merely the only opportunity I had to socialise, and get to know anyone. I always made it crystal clear I had my children, and they were a priority, plus childcare was a hassle to get. On the whole it was OK, but I agree that you need to find some quiet time together to get to know each other.

The flip side of Dave's behaviour could be that he finds you really attractive, and is not afraid to show his emotions, or his affections. He could be from a family that is very demonstrative of their love for each other. When I think of how me and my BF are together, we are very much hand holding, and close. My BF kisses my neck while I'm washing up, or peeling the spuds, etc. He says he wasn't able to be that close to his exes because they were a bit 'cold'. It isn't necessarily a precursor to sex, or done in a predatory way, but it's his way of saying he loves me, cares for me, and yes, fancies me.

Dave acted rather honourably I thought. He offered to share the bed with no funny business, and even to sleep on his couch. That doesn't sound like a sex pest to me. Nonetheless, you do have to bear in mind that he is bound to have those sorts of desires for you, but is trying not to act on them. Perhaps he's looking for some reassurance from an embrace, cuddle, or gentle kiss? That's another way to look at it. Maybe part of his past has left him feeling a bit vulnerable, rejected by his ex?

I see how you want to set the pace, and that is perfectly fine, but I do think you need to know in your own mind that you are happy, and prepared to actually set the pace. Not use that as a means of controlling the situation to keep it just as it has been, without a physical element.

The more time you get to spend together, hopefully the more you can begin to trust Dave, and 'let him in'. I understand that there will be a very effective barrier system you will have set up around yourself to protect you, and have made it possible to carry on after your ex. Hopefully, with the right person, you are able to learn that those barriers needed only be temporary, and that there is nothing wrong with you wanting to show your affection for someone in a physical way.

Any relationship has to be built on trust, that includes a physical one. I hope Dave allows you the time you need to build your trust in him.

On a practical side, might it be possible to ask someone at the breakfast club if they know of anyone who might be able to babysit, like a teenage sister, friend who needs extra cash, or perhaps your childminder would be able to suggest someone else? If you point out it's only for a couple of hours every couple of weeks that might be enough for someone to be interested.

Keep us posted.

kate1976

Sorry things didn't turn out well Taye, but please don't beat yourself up over it, if he's worth anything then he'll understand, don't let it get you down! Keep your chin up and just go at your own pace! Take care x

k2tog

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

As far as we know he hasn't said he wants to sleep with her (unless I missed it). I feel like you're adding fuel to the fire with comments like that; apologies if that is not the case. We all know he does want to sleep with her, but that is currently beyond the boundaries of the situation IMO. Being close, cuddling, holding hands and kissing have been mentioned so far I believe.

Lunar, am starting to feel like your twin! Well said. Wanting to kiss someone is not the same as expecting "a legover".

NOVASTAR

That's very sound advice from sarymclary :T
I hope that he replies to your text very soon and then at least you know what to do next.
Think positive thoughts and trust in fate!!! :A

Heath84

I agree, I dont think he was expecting to get his legover, although he does probably want to eventually. You have explained you want to take it slow, but maybe you need to talk over the timescale you are thinking? If he thinks taking it slow is just in relation to sex rather than any physical contact he would probably understand more if you explained it to him?

Tell him that 'by not going down the road means it remains the road ahead, and therefore something to look forward to', and that he needs to be a bit more patient and that your sorry if he didnt realise what you meant completely.

Taye

Well i've just been to the gym and he wasn't there nor has he replied to my text. Trying not to get paranoid but he never misses the gym.

He said yesterday that i was using the kids as a shield and i guess he's right, i feel better when they are around because he doens't try anything then, so i can relax.

We have been affectionate, we've had a few intimate moments (hand holding and cuddles) and i did give him a peck on the cheek on sunday.

I guess i felt safe because the kids where close by and could come into the room at any minute and i've made it quite clear i don't want them to see anything like that just yet.

We just haven't progressed to full blown snogging, i tend to freak out when things get abit more "overtly sexual" if that makes any sort of sence? I think i could cope with a light kiss if i was confident that was all he wanted from the situation, i guess im just terrified he wants more and i'll get myself into a situation im not comfortable with.

Errata

Clearly some posters think I've misinterpreted this

Everything was fine sort of, i could tell Dave was really dissappointed id not shared with him and he sulked abit which was abit off putting

I took this to mean share his bed, and any healthy young male who shares a bed with healthy young female often has more than kiss, cuddle and sleep in mind. Sulking about not gettng their own way is not the best way to win the hand of a fair lady.