When to start dating again?

NOVASTAR

I'm so glad that you are ok! :j
Not sure what to make of "Dave" now though after the sulking bit .... his sheen has gone off a bit.

It's nice that he included the kids over the weekend though.

Taye - you overcame the initial fear of going on a date which proves to yourself that you can do it!

Please do NOT rush things if you are not happy with the pace he is setting - if he can't cope with it, then thats HIS problem soley x

Taye

I just feel really lost, i like him i do, but im just not ready for things to take that route yet.

I can understand that he feel's rejected and i feel really guilty about that, i tried to tell him that it wasn't "him" i was rejecting that i wanted to spend more time with him just wasn't ready for a physical relationship.

I told him i wasn't ready, he said he understood. Surely he knows he's going to be rejected??So why does he keep trying to kiss me??

I'm not sure i can be any clearer about my feelings on the matter i just feel under pressure to move things along. I dunno i'm all confused, sort of feel that if he just left me to set the pace then things would be quicker.

Maybe im just not being fair on him.

Lunar_Eclipse

Oh dear! But glad you're okay.

Taye, I agree with Wept's sentiments and think you need to contact him. At least because you were a guest in his home, so under any circumstances this warrants a 'thank you very much for your kind hospitality'; complications aside.

Did you feel like being close to him but were worried/scared/felt you couldn't because of the boys? (passive question for you but not necceasrily to be answered.) If so, let him know. I think it would be perfectly acceptable to set barriers in such instances, wherever you feel comfortable. And very normal to worry to some degree about what might happen. But also exciting. He might surprise you by being more understandable than you're giving him credit for. Cuddles and pillow talk is so lovely, particularly early on in relationships.

I think by now you have a fair idea of how much you like him and in what context. If you still have feelings for him beyond friendship, how about discussing how you'd like to handle the physical side of this with him, given that you've told him about your past? In some ways I think you need to let him give you a cuddle and then a kiss, not necessarily at the same time. To get it over with, after which you will probably want more. In fact, I bet you become really insatiable once you get past this hurdle. But I really think this needs to be done without the boys. For loads of reasons.

xxx

EDIT - wrote the above before seeing your last post. If you're not ready, you're not ready and you need to tell him (again). I would contact him to say thank you, you are sorry, you love being in his company but aren't really for the physical side just yet. You feel under pressure so could he please give you some space to make the first move as you would hate to hurt his feelings again since he is such a lovely person and this makes things even harder for you. Something like that anyway. Could you leave him a note on his car at the gym, maybe with a flower? Or small token such as a cookie or can of his favourite soft drink etc. Just something thoughtful and free/inexpensive.

Quackers

Taye wrote: »

I just feel really lost, i like him i do, but im just not ready for things to take that route yet.

I can understand that he feel's rejected and i feel really guilty about that, i tried to tell him that it wasn't "him" i was rejecting that i wanted to spend more time with him just wasn't ready for a physical relationship.

I told him i wasn't ready, he said he understood. Surely he knows he's going to be rejected??So why does he keep trying to kiss me??

I'm not sure i can be any clearer about my feelings on the matter i just feel under pressure to move things along. I dunno i'm all confused, sort of feel that if he just left me to set the pace then things would be quicker.

Maybe im just not being fair on him.

No. its not you now.

Its him.

In my opinion.

You have told him that you are not ready & he told you he understood.

But he continues to try.

I think asking you to sleep overnight was trying to 'rush you' into a decision. And I am pleased you choose to sleep in the spare room with the boys.

I'm sorry but I get the impression from what you say that he is going to continue to pressure you into a physical relationship.

Maybe you need to attempt one final chat with him. Tell him you have told him that you are not ready & it is going to take time. Be blunt and honest - tell him that if he is not prepared to wait then you understand but you do not like the continuing pressure. And dont forget to mention you really like him too and love spending time with him

Then its up to him to decide.

I appreciate some people will think he is being a saint - and he is being very good especially with the children but its been a short amount of time & anyone can be 'perfect' during a short period of time.

You have done really well Taye & should be proud of how far you have come in a short amount of time - now you know you are ready for the dating game? Dont let his bit of pressure put you off - he's just feeling the pressure in his pants :cool: (sorry:o)

Good Luck & please keep us updated - were you suprised at how worried we were about you? :rotfl:

And remember, it doesn't matter how it pans out - it just matters that you are happy

Lunar_Eclipse

Quackers wrote: »

No. its not you now.

Its him.

In my opinion.

You have told him that you are not ready & he told you he understood.

But he continues to try.

I agree, but to a point. I think agreeing to spend the night probably raised his hopes; completely understandably IMO. I would suggest time spent out in the open for now. And slowing things down a little (not that you need to tell him this, it will just happen.)

My recommendation is to find a babysitter and start dating; a couple of hours to the pub, a trip to the cinema. Thus building the relationship but avoiding high pressure situations (like staying overnight) for the near future. It won't cost much until you've reached a point where you're happy to be in each other's homes. And if you have the boys with you, activities such as the park, trip to the beach or bowling etc.

Quackers

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

IMy recommendation is to find a babysitter and start dating; a couple of hours to the pub, a trip to the cinema.

I agree

At the moment you are spending intense amounts of time together with the chidren.

Maybe its too much?

and I dont actually think its 'dating' in so many words - you need some time together without the children and in a more neutral enviroment (not his house with a bed nearby :rotfl:)

k2tog

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Oh dear! But glad you're okay.

EDIT - wrote the above before seeing your last post. If you're not ready, you're not ready and you need to tell him (again). I would contact him to say thank you, you are sorry, you love being in his company but aren't really for the physical side just yet. You feel under pressure so could he please give you some space to make the first move as you would hate to hurt his feelings again since he is such a lovely person and this makes things even harder for you. Something like that anyway. Could you leave him a note on his car at the gym, maybe with a flower? Or small token such as a cookie or can of his favourite soft drink etc. Just something thoughtful and free/inexpensive.

Hi Taye
I think I agree with Lunar Eclipse. Perhaps explain what you have said so clearly above, that if he let you set the pace it probably would be quicker because you wouldn't be worrying about rejecting him all the time. You explain things so eloquently to us - perhaps it would help if you wrote it to him? Please don't be so scared that you don't do anything. Good luck x

Taye

I did only stay over on the condition that i slept in the spare room with the boys, i did try not to let him get his hopes up as it where.

Babysitters are impossible, i get maybe one a month if that all my family live about 30miles away so even when i get one it's usually a "weekend" visit rather than just a few hours, i just don't really have anyone close by i can ask.

I'll try and talk to him today, see if he's willing to wait for me, try and explain *AGAIN* that i like him but im not ready for that side of it. See if he's willing to be patient, but im just starting to feel like this really isn't ment to happen.

k2tog

Taye which county do you live in? Someone here may be able to help with babysitting? I would be happy to if I am near. I feel like you need to be able to concentrate on his company rather than worry about the kids as well.

Lunar_Eclipse

k2tog wrote: »

Taye which county do you live in? Someone here may be able to help with babysitting? I would be happy to if I am near. I feel like you need to be able to concentrate on his company rather than worry about the kids as well.

Agree. I know I'm not near, so ...

could you ask someone at school? I know you don't generally go in, but this time you need to! A classroom assistant or the parent of one of your child's best friends? I am sure people will be willing to help you out. Start asking. The worst that could happen is they say no. I have friends who use teenage siblings of younger kids btw. You only need to be at the end of a phone.

If this fails, either ask one of your son's teachers or even ring the Head of your kids school and tell her as a single parent without family nearby, you have no social life but have been asked out and need to find a babysitter; could she recommend anybody, or know where you could start?

Taye, you are far too young to write your life off whilst your children are still at home. Do this for you and your boys, not for Dave.