Boyfriend being insensitive after baby's birth

Tete_en_l'Air

Hi and congratulations on your new baby. I don't have kids BUT...

To me this situation is completely on its head. You've just GIVEN BIRTH LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AGO - HE should be looking after YOU, not making you feel inadequate and demanding you look after HIS 'needs'.

You have a baby to look after now so he needs to grow up and stop acting like one!

sooz

I don't think you HAVE to wait 6 weeks after the birth before having sex, but it is advised. Especially after your first, as you have no idea of what feels normal after your first birth. It is advised that you wait until your 6 week check, or just before so that you can tell the doctor if you've had a problem. Only oral sex (for you) is off limits, as this can cause embolisms.

Print this off & get him to read it

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/sexdelivery.htm

then go for the cactus...

gorgeous_gwen

He's not pestering me. He hasn't said anything about persuading me to do anything since we last did stuff. It's the comments I'm finding completely insensitive. I can put up with so much, we often rib each other about loads of stuff so usually it wouldn't bother me, but what is usually the odd comment here and there comes now everyday, every programme.

He bounces off things I say, I might comment on a storyline, like I said something about a character in Hollyoaks and that sparked off comments. I'll say I can't believe you and he backtracks, or I'll give him the 'look' and he apologises and says he's an idiot and he's sorry, or he'll say "she's attractive", I'll raise an eyebrow and he'll look over, look embarrassed and say "but of course not as attractive as you..." :rolleyes:

Like I say usually I wouldn't be too bothered and would play along but the increased frequency of the comments has been really noticeable and I'm super sensitive to them at the mo, almost like I feel like his attention is wandering in principle... Don't get me wrong, he still tells me how much he loves me, I'm a great mother, and I don't feel like he finds me less attractive, or is disrespectful of me not wanting to do stuff, but that he is almost noticing MORE how attractive other women are.

Of course I know men notice anyway but I feel it more at the moment?

galvanizersbaby

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

What can I say to him to get the point across but not make me sound like a paranoid girlfriend?

You really shouldn't have to say anything - he should at least be aware of the 6 week advice if nothing else - was he not there when your consultant/midwife gave you this advice? - if not perhaps you could find it and show it to him?

tbh I'm not really surprised you've posted this going by past posts on your b/f - I wish you luck and congratulations on your new arrival

Claire3121

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

He's not pestering me. He hasn't said anything about persuading me to do anything since we last did stuff. It's the comments I'm finding completely insensitive. I can put up with so much, we often rib each other about loads of stuff so usually it wouldn't bother me, but what is usually the odd comment here and there comes now everyday, every programme.

He bounces off things I say, I might comment on a storyline, like I said something about a character in Hollyoaks and that sparked off comments. I'll say I can't believe you and he backtracks, or I'll give him the 'look' and he apologises and says he's an idiot and he's sorry, or he'll say "she's attractive", I'll raise an eyebrow and he'll look over, look embarrassed and say "but of course not as attractive as you..." :rolleyes:

Like I say usually I wouldn't be too bothered and would play along but the increased frequency of the comments has been really noticeable and I'm super sensitive to them at the mo, almost like I feel like his attention is wandering in principle... Don't get me wrong, he still tells me how much he loves me, I'm a great mother, and I don't feel like he finds me less attractive, or is disrespectful of me not wanting to do stuff, but that he is almost noticing MORE how attractive other women are.

Of course I know men notice anyway but I feel it more at the moment?

Im wondering if he's always made comments like this,but you are noticing them more now as you're probably feeling very vulnerable at the moment.
Talk,explain things and for god's sake,dont have sex til you've had your 6 week check:eek:

MrsBartolozzi

Is the 6 week thing a new piece of advice then?
I ask because with both sons (youngest is 12 now) we waited much less than that! (just waited til the lochia cleared up !TMI, sorry!).
I went to the GP for the morning after pill when DS2 was 3 weeks old and GP mentioned nothing about it being dangerous! The only concern was how the hormones might affect my milk supply.

To the OP congratulations on the birth of your little one, there's been plenty advice on how to show your partner he is being a tool and I have little to add. Just best wishes for your family and hope he comes round soon.
MrsB.

thatgirlsam

MrsBartolozzi wrote: »

Is the 6 week thing a new piece of advice then?
I ask because with both sons (youngest is 12 now) we waited much less than that! (just waited til the lochia cleared up !TMI, sorry!).
I went to the GP for the morning after pill when DS2 was 3 weeks old and GP mentioned nothing about it being dangerous! The only concern was how the hormones might affect my milk supply.

To the OP congratulations on the birth of your little one, there's been plenty advice on how to show your partner he is being a tool and I have little to add. Just best wishes for your family and hope he comes round soon.
MrsB.

-
-my dd is 10 this year and i got the 6 week advice ...

floss2

MrsBartolozzi wrote: »

Is the 6 week thing a new piece of advice then? ......

Not unless you class being advised the same in 1986 when DS1 was born as recent.......

Bitsy_Beans

MrsBartolozzi wrote: »

(just waited til the lochia cleared up !TMI, sorry!).

Now for me that WAS 6 weeks :eek:
what I'd suggest is making a brick sandwich with his boy bits as a filling and see how likely he feels "up" for it after that

Seriously he's acting like a complete tool BUT given that you only gave birth a short while ago it is likely you are being a bit over sensitive (especially since you state gentle teasing/ribbing etc was part of your relationship) as your hormones are all over the place. I felt like a basket case at times so you may be overreacting a tad to SOME of his comments. That doesn't give him liberty though to keep mentioning how long it's been.
Having kids is a huge change and even after 6 weeks lack of sleep etc can take over. At times it was a question of do I sleep or have sex. You can imagine that sleep was the biggest priority

Pee

I have no experience of childbirth at all, but thank you for posting this. It's useful to know that other peoples lives do not run in that beautiful way that they do on films, and that it's not just me in a mess sometimes.

I do think he's being unreasonable, but he is trying - apologising when he catches your "look", otherwise making you feel loved.

So something is making him notice other women more, which seems strange when he has a new baby, but presumably this is something hormonal in him and it will settle down, and also, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you were a little touchier than normal. As I say I have no experience of childbirth, but I know when I am due on I can take things the wrong way.. and sometimes feel really unloved and lonely, even though that isn't the case.

Could you try explaining to him the obvious, that if you feel attractive, you are more likely to want sex? Might it be that if he took the baby out for a walk and you had some me time in the bath with a chance to shave your legs you would feel like playing around, albeit not for the next five weeks moving on to penatrative sex?

Is he thinking that women lose interest in sex after childbirth and worrying that this will be the case with you? (Even though losing interest for the first couple of months is surely bound to happen. I've heard a lot of parents joke that they never have sex anymore, I assume they are joking as they seem to have more children, but maybe this is concerning him?)