why wasn't he invited to the party :(

nottslass_2

I'm I missing something here ? I thought that kids Birthday Party's were about the "Birthday Boy /Girl " not about Playground Politics and worrying about offending somebody's little darling, there appears to be an obligation to invite a whole class,regardless of whether your child is actually Friends (all through primary school I was picked on by one evil child & it would have ruined my day if they had been invited) with them - next we'll be expected to invite not only class mates,but their siblings,cousins,extended family etc,just to ensure nobody feels left out !!!!

Some family's may not want to invite every child,this could be down to cost,space,safety or simply feeling unable to cope with 20 odd 6 year olds for a couple of hours !!!!

Lunar_Eclipse

prettypoppyknickers wrote: »

so i just dont know what to do its left me dreading that he will be like me and be the only kid in the class not invited

Relax! He may or may not be like you socially as a child; personally, I think it's at least 2 years too early to tell. But if they are genuinely good friends (you didn't say) then I can understand your upset. Did he talk about this girl a lot before the party was mentioned? If not, I'd just forget it as a passing fancy. Everyone wants to be invited to parties but it's life that no-one is always included in everything (even if it looks that way!)

From experience of kids parties at that age, invites are based on the couple of children the birthday child talks about at home, recommendations from the pre-school teacher if the parent (rarely) asked for help on this matter and parental friendships of the birthday child amongst the nursery parents.

It would be sad if your son was the only child from the class to be excluded. However I would never have considered invited all 16 children from a nursery class to a party for a pre-school aged child. Not for financial reasons. Firstly it's too many children to handle, they are highly unlikely to be friends with all the children, they get too many presents, they probably have friends outside of nursery etc.

If this was my child I would simply explain that they weren't invited to this particular party and discuss why this might be. Let him know that you understand his upset and it doesn't mean they can't be friends. If it seems appropriate, you could suggest inviting the girl over for a special lunch and a play. Do they/you do this already?

Anyway, kids parties are over rated! Children can get very excited about being invited to them and then rather do something else on the actual party day I have found!;)

Lunar_Eclipse

minx79 wrote: »

My difficulty will be in explaining to my children that they won't be attending birthday parties because we do not personally celebrate birthdays. That is going to be even harder when the time comes. :eek:

Assuming they go to mainstream school, will you actually do that? Or will you allow them to go 'to support their friendship with person X' whilst being aware that you don't celebrate them yourself and them knowing why. Alternatively, is there a more supportive school for your personal beliefs?

There is a Brethren family at our local school; the kids are not in the same classes as mine hence I don't know them well, beyond occasional pleasantries. I have always wondered though why they don't home school instead of choosing to partially integrate them in mainstream life through the local school, yet not allow them to participate in many school activities, including eating lunch on premises as well as local community activities. Maybe children don't worry about such things. I have no issues with different faiths, beliefs etc; just find the scenario of partial integration a bit cruel to the children involved.

MrsAnnie

When my DD2 had her 6th birthday party I made her invite one of her classmates because I was friends with her mum and did not want her child to feel left out etc etc . Big Mistake!!! At the party my daughter told this girl she was only there because I wanted her there. I was horrified and embarrassed.

The whole episode could have been avoided if I had let my DD invite who she wanted in the first place.

Having said that I do take exception when all the class is invited to a party and only one or two children are left out. But if it is a smaller party, inevitably some children will not be invited.


Party invites are a minefield Sometimes children are invited, sometimes not. It's just one of the many things in life that we as parents have to teach our children to cope with.

maggirl

Parties/party politics ARE a minefield. I invited the whole class just to avoid the situation, but kept it as cheap as I could. This year now DD is older we will be keeping it to 4 or 5 close friends and doing the cinema or ice skating

I had one mum ask if she could bring along her older daughter (not in my girls class) to my little girls party last year (probably for her own convenience) being laid back I said OK and paid for both her son and the older sister, then NONE of them turned up!! £16 and two party bags wasted!!

I thought this was very rude and the woman never even apologised, or gave any explanation why they never turned up. Havent spoken to her much since, as she seems to be avoiding me! Maybe she was embarrased.

Just dont get too worked up about not being invited, its really not important in the long term...and the anxiety does rub off on the child....it makes them think that there really is something wrong if you reinforce it!

DonnaP

Hi

It is a nightmare these parties!

I have 5 year old twin DD's and they have been invited to all parties so far - both the parties where all the class are included and ones where only a few can be chosen (they do seem to be popular girls).

However, there are a couple of other girls who aren't so popular and who only have gone to the 'everyone is invited' parties and have been left out of the smaller ones. Now the children are getting older, these big parties are fizzling out and they are having smaller ones, which means a couple are regularly missing out.

What do you do? You can't put right all the wrongs in society! Last year my DD's really wanted to invite one of these girls who was being left out as they felt sorry for her never being invited (bless them). She was b****y awful - so badly behaved and rude. I told all the kids that upstairs was out of bounds and that was fine, except this girl was found upstairs going through drawers three times. In the end I had to threaten her that I would phone her mum to fetch her back! She wouldn't join in with the games and tried to disrupt them. She tried helping herself to food before it was time, the list could go on. I spent all my time focussing on her.

I had decided this year to persuade my DD's away from inviting her, but there is no need because they are adamant they don't want her to come because she spoilt the last one.

I do feel sorry for this child because her parents don't give her any attention, but it's my DD's day and I won't have it spoilt.

The other issue we have is that there are another set of girl twins in the class and my DD's really like one of the twins. Their mum doesn't encourage them to do things away from each other and really fosters the 'twin thing' (she sends them to parties with 1 card and 1 present etc whereas I always send a card and small present from each of my DD's and they go to different friends houses etc). I can see that kicking off if we only invite the friendly one. It's really difficult.

I think you just have to do what's right as a mother for your own children and be prepared for your own to be left out at some time.

Donna

minx79

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Assuming they go to mainstream school, will you actually do that? Or will you allow them to go 'to support their friendship with person X' whilst being aware that you don't celebrate them yourself and them knowing why. Alternatively, is there a more supportive school for your personal beliefs?

They will go to mainstream school because I don't believe that keeping children separate from the mainstream school would accomplish anything except to make them less aware of other religions/beliefs, less able to cope when they go into a workplace, it would probably make them more introverted if they were home schooled. Going to mainstream school may be tough but the sooner they learn to stand up for themselves and explain reasons why they do or don't do certain things, the better, it means they won't be embarassed about it later in life. We don't have separate schools just for people of our own beliefs because it is not right to exclude your children from social interaction with other children who do not think or act the same way as they do, they have to learn tolerance of others as do the children at the mainstream schools who are not religious.

They won't go "in support of friendship" because of the simple fact that they would still be attending a birthday party. In my opinion, that would be worse for the child, to actually go to the party but not get a party bag or party hat and not sing the birthday song, not give a birthday present, not have birthday cake! They would probably end up sitting excluded from everything in a corner! Better not to go at all I think than be the one at the party who gets laughed at and teased for not taking part at all.

Lunar_Eclipse

minx79 wrote: »

They will go to mainstream school because I don't believe that keeping children separate from the mainstream school would accomplish anything except to make them less aware of other religions/beliefs, less able to cope when they go into a workplace, it would probably make them more introverted if they were home schooled. Going to mainstream school may be tough but the sooner they learn to stand up for themselves and explain reasons why they do or don't do certain things, the better, it means they won't be embarassed about it later in life. We don't have separate schools just for people of our own beliefs because it is not right to exclude your children from social interaction with other children who do not think or act the same way as they do, they have to learn tolerance of others as do the children at the mainstream schools who are not religious.

They won't go "in support of friendship" because of the simple fact that they would still be attending a birthday party. In my opinion, that would be worse for the child, to actually go to the party but not get a party bag or party hat and not sing the birthday song, not give a birthday present, not have birthday cake! They would probably end up sitting excluded from everything in a corner! Better not to go at all I think than be the one at the party who gets laughed at and teased for not taking part at all.

Good points, I agree with your viewpoint.

I suppose the rationale for my curiosity was the fact that most children find it very hard to stick up for themselves and just want to blend in with everyone else. I have two children, both girls but very different personalities. Both of them are in the top (extension) sets at school for Maths & Literacy, yet neither one of them will ever put their hand up in class if they don't understand a new topic first time (esp Maths), despite being "very self confident" according to latest parent's evening. It's simply because they both don't want any individual attention whatsoever. At least they let me know when this happens (last week with 7 year old doing divisions with remainders!) so we can discuss it together at home.

Yorkshirechick

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Good points, I agree with your viewpoint.

I suppose the rationale for my curiosity was the fact that most children find it very hard to stick up for themselves and just want to blend in with everyone else. I have two children, both girls but very different personalities. Both of them are in the top (extension) sets at school for Maths & Literacy, yet neither one of them will ever put their hand up in class if they don't understand a new topic first time (esp Maths), despite being "very self confident" according to latest parent's evening. It's simply because they both don't want any individual attention whatsoever. At least they let me know when this happens (last week with 7 year old doing divisions with remainders!) so we can discuss it together at home.

I was brought up in a religion that didn't celebrate Xmas or birthdays and was constantly being asked why not. Also I was and propably still am pretty shy and hated the constant questions.
When I was at primary school I got loads of invites to birthday parties and even though I knew I wasn't allowed to go to them I still wanted to go and felt really left out when all the other kids in my class were off to Pizza Hut or somewhere for a party.
One of the girls from my class felt so sorry for me that she had a leaving school party instead of a birthday party, and that was the only 1 in 8 years that I was able to attend. I had a ball

I'm not longer part of this religion, but my mum and dad are, and also my oldest sister and her family. I would never criticise anyone for their beliefs, or the way they choose to bring up their childres, but I must admit I was upset at my sons first birthday party when there was only 1 member of my family there.

galvanizersbaby

Yorkshirechick wrote: »

I'm not longer part of this religion, but my mum and dad are, and also my oldest sister and her family. I would never criticise anyone for their beliefs, or the way they choose to bring up their childres, but I must admit I was upset at my sons first birthday party when there was only 1 member of my family there.

I have a friend in similar situation to you Yorkshirechick - she is no longer part of the religion but her parents and siblings families are.

Her son is in my daughters class and though he is a lovely sociable little boy she worries constantly about him not getting invited to parties and as to whether he's popular in the class (it's only reception class) - so much so she makes herself very upset about it when there is really no need.
We had a chat and she says she remembers feeling left out and lonely at school and worries it will be the same for her son - she is trying to chill out a bit about it now and be a bit more rational about her fears