Feeling so low

julliff

elisebutt65

thanks for your reply.

He is right though.

I just went downstairs to ask him to come up, just to watch TV in bed, and sleep, but he wont. I wanted tings to be abit normal for my birthday - I dont want my kids to always associate my birthday with us splitting up.

If you dont mind me saying -OH has had problems in the bedroom department over the last year, and he said that was becuse we didn't do it enough - so my fault again then!

I am crying now, not for me, but for my kids. they are 14 & 12. Theywill be gutted. Oh, cr*p.

julliff

Hello Everyone

Plesae can someone tell me how I can stop crying? I have been up since 5.45am. and my face is a mess.

The kids will be up soon, and I don't feel very birthday like. I dont think I have ever felt so lonely.

I wanted to go to Cheddar Gorge today. Looks like if I do, it will be just DD2 and me. I wanted to do something that I wanted, for my birthday. However, DD1 is refusing to give up band practice to come with me. I suppose at least that gives OH a reason not to come too.

Jsut been delivered a huge bunch of flowers, from OH (who is asleep downstairs). Card says "all my love". Now I am crying again. He must have ordered them before last nights discussion. So sad.

moneysaver12

Wanted to send hugs to you.

yoni_one

julliff wrote: »

If you dont mind me saying -OH has had problems in the bedroom department over the last year, and he said that was becuse we didn't do it enough - so my fault again then!

I am crying now, not for me, but for my kids. they are 14 & 12. Theywill be gutted. Oh, cr*p.

((Juliff)) you have every right to not want sex often if that is your want, and of course have every right to say no to sex because you don't want it, your reason, whatever it is at any given time, is valid. You don't need an excuse.

You have told us your reason is because you feel uncomfortable with your body, is it possible he has contributed to your sense of low self-body image with put downs etc?

Even if he hasn't, a respectful partner would be supportive and try and help build up your confidence, not knock it down by being abusive, blaming his own failings in the bedroom on you and then saying everything is your fault because you don't feel like getting down to rumpy pumpy with him often enough.

Would you ever consider turning it on its head and telling him you feel uncomfortable with your body because of his bedroom failings so not wanting sex is all his fault? This is what he is doing to you and seems quite happy to insult you and blame you. His problems are his and yours are yours, you may both directly or indirectly feed each other's problems in some form but neither of you are responsible for the other's.

All that said, it still remains that you are gutted, deeply upset for the children and ask why you feel like a failure.

I think you feel like a failure because, as you have already stated, you have believed his BS that you alone are responsible for everyone else's happiness, especially his.

You have spent so much time and energy for ages trying to find the right dance to each of his tunes to keep your family together, but he changes the rhythm whenever you get anywhere near meeting his requirements.

You have been manipulated into thinking you have all the responsibility, but have been kept from having any of the power it needs to even attempt to take it on. In other words you have been set up to fail time and time again. You were never able to win in a game where he made up all the rules.

That is probably why you feel like a failure, but honestly Juliff, you may not be perfect (who is) but you are not a failure,.

Your kids may not understand the benefit to them if you split but I can assure you, they are far better off away from an environment where one parent abuses their power and control over the other.

The reason it is not working out is because of his behaviour. He has failed the marriage, the relationship, you and the kids.

yoni_one

julliff wrote: »

Hello Everyone

Plesae can someone tell me how I can stop crying? I have been up since 5.45am. and my face is a mess.

The kids will be up soon, and I don't feel very birthday like. I dont think I have ever felt so lonely.

I wanted to go to Cheddar Gorge today. Looks like if I do, it will be just DD2 and me. I wanted to do something that I wanted, for my birthday. However, DD1 is refusing to give up band practice to come with me. I suppose at least that gives OH a reason not to come too.

Jsut been delivered a huge bunch of flowers, from OH (who is asleep downstairs). Card says "all my love". Now I am crying again. He must have ordered them before last nights discussion. So sad.

A good cry can be just what it is needed but if the timing is difficult for you now then gift yourself a raincheck, plan your time for when you can have a good old cry and then jump in the shower to wash it all away, regroup your energies and focus on having a great time with your daughter today.

It is possible to give yourself time off from the pain and one way that some people manage it is by leaving it under the bed or wherever, either visually in your head or literally write the words MY PAIN on a piece of paper and stick it in a box and return to it when you feel better able to take it on.

These are just suggestions on how you might manage it today. I hope you are able to step aside and enjoy your birthday treat with your daughter.

xx

JoKay_2

Hi Julliff

Wanted to send loads of hugs your way, and wish you a happy birthday.

There's nothing of a constructive nature that I can add except agree with everything that yoni-one has said - boy does she talk some sense!!

I appreciate today's is not going to be the birthday you'd hoped for, but perhaps you should think about next year's birthday - you will be in a far better place by then, I bet, and will look back on today with a sense of relief.

Hugs again.

Marg

Juliff - I guess Happy Birthday! isn't the right way to greet you but I hope you can find some enjoyment in the day.

I think perhaps the way forward is that if you feel so low the only way is UP and it is UP to you to do it for yourself after having knocked yourself out for others for so long.

Just a thought about DD1 not wanting to come out with you. At 14 maybe there's a boy at the band she likes in which case there's no power on earth would make her miss it?

Keep strong & know we'll do our best to support you.

aligerdie

Just wanted to wish you Happy birthday, and send you huge hugs, because it sounds like you need them!

I followed this thread when you first posted, and have only just caught up with it.

I'm so sorry to hear things haven't worked out, but in the long run, maybe its for the best.

Just think if you stay with him for even another year, thats a year less of your new life, where finally you matter.

(that was said to me by a lovely blokie who I met after I split up from my ex. Thank you Lofty )

You've mentioned a few times that he's been drinking beer. Obviously in moderation is ok, but if its regular and if he's on medication, do you think that might be making him worse in terms of his mood? I can't drink now on an evening unless I'm going out because it puts me in a foul mood the next day (must be getting old!)

Good luck, keep posting. Hope you've gone out today and enjoyed yourself. xxx

Keeping_Positive

:bdaycake: HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Having a good cry can be a good thing. I do it when Im stressed, upset, frustrated. I feel carp at the time but better and more determined afterwards. Love Yoni one's idea of having a shower.

Can you not just have some me time today? Have a pamper go visit a friend or family? It might be better going for a dayout without OH and his moods you can do what you want and spend some quality time with DD2.

Oh and dont forget you are not a failure by anymeans and youll need some of this :EasterBuntoday.

jack*tigger

Juliff - just wanted to send some hugs and say I hope your birthday wasn't too bad.

My OH and I went through a bad patch many moons ago - pre kids - and we tried the living in the same house thing. It didn't work for us. There was no moving on and too many difficult moments. So I moved out - a friend had a flat she was trying to sell - so I house sat it for a month. I have to say the space was good and actually quite enjoyed having the freedom of living alone. But we missed each other and we got back together and worked things out.

What I'm saying is that you are going to feel wretched all the time because nothing will really change until your OH moves out. To be honest it sounds like being forced to stand on his own 2 feet for a change will do him the world of good. And maybe a trial separation would be the best for all of you. His happiness is no longer your responsibility. You need to look after yourself and your kids.

As for crying and feeling bad. That's because you are grieving for the death of your relationship and the future that you had envisaged. This is normal and will get better - eventually.
From the sounds of it you have done everything that you could in the circumstances to make things work. But it takes 2 to tango and if he wasn't prepared to put the effort in it was never going to work.

Look after yourself, take each day as it comes and plan for a brighter better future.

Love and hugs.