Feeling so low

Marg

Yes, that's the lady Thank you for remembering for me! I've just been over there to say hello & catch up with her.

julliff

Hello

Many thanks for your messages,and for the link. I read the whole thing.

I cant imagine my OH begging me to come back - he would be too busy demonising me for trying to take his kids away!

I have spent a lot of time thinking and going over things from the past - and I really dont want to go on like this.

For example - we were returning from a trip,and diagreed whether a certain landmark would be on our right or left. I tried to keep it lighthearted, laughing and gently teasing him. After a littelwhile he told me I was erally getting on his nerves, and seemed angry. The rest of the 270 mile trip was in silence.

The next day, I mentioned it, and he said - Oh, I thought you werent speaking to me. That was tosh,because I tried a couple of times to spark a conversation.

I also think he has an issue with our relationship,as I earn alot more than him, I am the only driver, he takes no interest in the family finance,other than to moan that I take his money (That'll be the housekeeping then). He has pocket money, which I must fetch for him, because he is too lazy to remember his PIN number. He still has more money to spend on himself than all the rest of us do (about £200 per month - not including if he goes out - he has extra money for that). I want to tell him to keep his money - I dont need it. Too late now, he is redundant!

He ruins everything - Christmas - he is always miserable and moody because his parents are dead (which is sad, but his Dad died 17 years ago), but seems to forget he has a family right here! Do you think I am harsh? My birthday last year snet him into a mega sulk because on of the kids didnt offer him some of their fish and chips.

the longer this silence goes on, the more I feel it is the end.

mrcow

Sorry - please can you just tell us why you are with him again?

From what you've written, he sounds like a completely, selfish miserable, boring, moany sod? Childish, self centred, lazy, ignorant and manipulative.

What is it about him that you actually enjoy?

julliff

He does have some good qualities - it would be unfair of me to say otherwise.

• On a good day he is a brilliant laugh! Like I say, it is mood swings.
• He is generous - will always spend on others (including me).
• He is trustworthy - I know he would never do the dirty on me.

Trouble is, these qualities are being dwarfed by his current behaviour. I think I am stilll with him because I still care for him (I know - why?), and because I have a strong sense of family.

yoni_one

Juliff, a lot of the women I work with tell me that they stayed with their partners because they cared for him and on a good day he was capable of being the perfect person, charming, funny, generous, considerate and absolutely the person they want to be with. Often they believe deep down that the reason he is not charming, funny, generous etc more often is because they must have done something to nark him, therefore all they need to do is keep him pleased and life should be a happy one. But it isn't that simple, furthermore it is totally one sided.

At some point you should weigh up how much of the time he spends being the person you want to be with versus how much time he spends being the person you don't want to be with and ask yourself if the good times are worth the cost. It isn't your job to make sure every day is a good day for him, any more or less than it is his job to make sure every day is a good day for you, sometimes it helps to remember that.

Marg

snipped

It isn't your job to make sure every day is a good day for him, any more or less than it is his job to make sure every day is a good day for you, sometimes it helps to remember that.

Think it's worth everyone remembering these wise words whatever their circumstances - we all have 'bad' days from time to time but they shouldn't outnumber the 'good' to the point where our partners lives are miserable.

julliff

yoni_one

That is exactly how I feel - that I am responsible for everyones happiness. I just thought it was a weakness in me.

I also think that that is one of the main reasons Icant do this anymore - I see my children trying to ingratiate themselves with their father, to gain his love, approval etc after some minor incident - he used to get moody and angry if he left the room to use the bathroom, and no-one noticed and paused the Sky + box (never mind that he could have asked). I dont want them to have all of the spark sucked out of them.

As I said, OH has a downer on DD1, but she is a good kid really. She doesnt hang around the streets, swear, drink,take drugs, hang around with boys (yet!). She works hard at school, plays in a brass band and goes to dance class. She is confrontational with me sometimes, and as mentioned earlier, tells the occasional lie and is very lazy at home. But I love her to bits, and will defend her with my last breath.

I am goingback to work today - Kids have arranged to go out with Grandma and friends. I am glad, as I feel anxious when they are at home with him. Not that he would hit them - just the moods,

Keeping_Positive

Hi

Hope your day goes well. I can sypathise with your situation as my OH is very similar. He has a long term injury causing chronic pain which affects his mood. Most things fall on me to organise, pay for etc and I work full time. My OH is/was unsupportive when my family were unwell so I was torn between them. Over the last two years I have had two breakdowns but have come out stronger.

Random tips are:

• Talk to people like you are on here for support/to vent
• Talk to Docs get antid's to help and councelling
• You are not superwoman but can do a darn good impression realise your limitations
• It is not your responsibility for his happiness he does at somepoint need to take responsibility
• You first then kids then OH. If you are not well then you cant look after others
• Find and take ME time even a pamper bath you are bound to have some xmas smellies about
• Learn to ignore him. OH realises when I go quiet for a few days things are not right. It ends in a barny but these days I have spent those few days building up my argument. I usually gain a small victory which over the years has grown into a good gain. IE I get more money and he has taken on more responsibility. He used to say Id never cope with the kids, bad Mum etc. Now I tell him he cant cope but I will leave if he wants
• Remember he is ill so try to accomodate where possible
• Try to spend time together even watching a film together helps

I cant say this has worked fully and I dont have setbacks but life and our relationship has improved. Still WIP!

Hope this helps

prowla

It didn't take long for this to turn into another "all men are pigs" threads...
How do we know what was and has been said in the other direction?
Taking (and extrapolating) one side's comments and coming up with advice is stupidity.

Anyway, back to jobs; lots of people are losing their jobs at the moment, and it is not your fault.
There's something going on in the world at the moment, and people are being put out of work because of it.
You didn't cause it and you are just a passenger.
The fact that you lost your job doesn't suddenly make you a bad person.
Pretty much any person on this forum could find themselves in the same situation this time next week.
There is a reason for the "for better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and in health" words in the traditional marriage vows.
Working or not, you are still the same people.

Hope it works out.

yoni_one

Juliff,
From some of the things you have told us about in this thread I feel you may benefit from attending the Freedom Programme (if there is one run near you). It's a 12 week rolling programme for female targets of abuse and male perpetrators.

It explores many types of behaviours (including our own) and helps explain the beliefs and feelings held that can lead to people behaving the way they do, identify the more subtle types of abuse and provide understanding of why we can end up taking on responsibilities that really are not our own.

It looks at how controlling behaviour may be challenged (where safe to do so) and explores the qualities in a partner who is not abusive which is really important because, due to their history of relationship choices, many women come on the programme believing that all men are abusive.

You should be able to find out if they run a programme near you via the helpline in my signature or on the following link which also gives further information on the programme - http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/freedomprogramme/venues.cfm

prowla wrote: »

It didn't take long for this to turn into another "all men are pigs" threads...

Where has that happened? From what I have read replies have kept either strictly to commenting on OPs circumstances or their own experiences.

As you rightly state, these are exceptionally challenging times.

Unfortunately the only industry I am aware of that is booming right now is mine, and I work for a women's refuge (not all the perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse are male btw and not all the targets are female).

For better or for worse is one thing and times are difficult for everyone now but controlling and bullying behaviour by one partner towards another is unacceptable regardless of their gender. Or do you disagree and think partners should continue to accept this behaviour under the 'for worse' vow?