Feeling so low

julliff

Hello

I dont know what I am going to write. I feel so sad,

My husband and I both got made redundant recently. I got another full time job straight away (I am the main breadwinner). Today OH told me I cost him his job.

He used to come home telling me about some really shabby treatment he was getting at work, and I sometimes said "I don't know how you put up with it, I would have to say something". He said I made him feel small, and so he went in and spoke out. He thinks this is why he was the one to be made redundant.

I feel so hurt that he blames me. Somettimes I feel like he blames me for everything, and I am so tired of feeling guilty.

Really, I just feel tired full stop. We have two teenage girls, and OH doesn't drive. He has had M.E so I don't get a lot of help. That said, he has seemed a bit better the last few weeks, and has done some stuff.

I don't know what to do. I dont want o speak to him at the moment, because I dont want to feel worse.

Sorry to post this here, it probably isnt even MSE stuff. I just feel alone.

bluebell13

Oh dear. Just wanted to send you a hug. He's an adult. He made the choice to speak out. Unfair to blame you, but being made redundant does have a huge impact. Maybe he just feels down and is lashing out? Please try not to feel guilty.

Curious_George_2

hes probably feeling just as low as you, and hopefully doesnt mean to take it out on you
but you need to tell him you feel really bad and him blaming you isnt helping,
if his old job was horrible maybe now he can get one where he gets treated better and everything will be for the best, its just hard to see the big picture sometimes

if you cant speak to him directly, how about a little letter?
you might be surprised to find he feels as bad as you do

whatever happens i hope you feel better soon, and you can always come on here... there is always someone around to give you daft advice
xxx

skintchick

Big hugs. Your Oh is just hitting out because he feels crappy that he has been made redundant. i'm sure he doesn;t really blame you.

If you think you might be depressed then get some help. Do this test http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/goldberg.php and see how you score then go and see your GP and discuss some counselling and/or tablets.

and keep talking to your OH - you are both feeling bad so try and keep the linesof communication open without blame.

julliff

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, being made redundant does have an impact - as I said, I was made redundant at the same time.

It is not just that - things always seem to be my fault. He must resent me soo much.

My girls dont seem to like me very much either - the eldest is particularly confrontational.

I wish I could just close my eyes, and not wake up. They would all be happier without me!

skintchick

julliff wrote: »

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, being made redundant does have an impact - as I said, I was made redundant at the same time.

It is not just that - things always seem to be my fault. He must resent me soo much.

My girls dont seem to like me very much either - the eldest is particularly confrontational.

I wish I could just close my eyes, and not wake up. They would all be happier without me!

Sweetie it's a boy thing. Iv'e been made redundant a few times and I never care but men take it really personally as they tend to define themselves by their ability to provide.

your children are just being kids and fighting against you - it's natural it's not that they don;t like you.

you do sound depressed though and I think it would help to talk to a counsellor just to sort your head out a bit. You don;t have to battle it alone but remember - they would NOT be happier without you and they'd be horrified to hear you say that.

PLease get some help

Marg

Julliff - So sorry you feel low - I think OH is just lashing out at nearest & dearest and he may feel depressed also, but that doesn't make it right to take it out on you.

I've never been made redundant & imagine it's awful but you offering him sound advice/support can't possibly be the reason he was made redundant so at some stage (perhaps not now) please tell him so.

Sounds like events are taking their toll on you & you need to get professional help fast before you sink further. Talk to us on here if you want - it does help.

No, they wouldn't be better without you - your girls sound just like every other kid to me -testing you all the way

julliff

Thanks to all for listening.

I dont think it will make any difference what I say. We have been together about 20 years, and I've never known him to say "sorry, I was wrong" and "I should not have said that". Usually he will go all moody and not talk to me for a few days, and I have to creep round him, and be the one in the wrong.

I usually do it especially for the kids sake - I cant stand the atmosphere. He is on tablets (Citroprolam), and has been for some time due to M.E.

Maybe I shoud go away for a few days?

He has sat downstairs all night, watching tv. I made him a cup of tea just now, but little was said.

Maybe I am the bad one. He said yesterday that I dont listen to him. I have tried to be a good wife, but I get stressed sometimes - I do all the driiving, shopping, finanaces, deal with the kids & school, work full time, most of the housework (the kids sometimes help for extra pocket money). I feel overwhelmed most of the time tbh.



The more I type, the more pointless it all seems.

JoJoB

juliff, it really sounds like you are becoming ill with all this - I'm sure wiser bods than me will give you some good advice.

I just wanted to say, don't be afraid of showing your husband and children how distressed and overwhlemed you are. Teenagers (even the nicest ones) can be very self-centred and just not realise the effect they are having. Partners can get equally wrapped up in their own problems. If you carry on as normal, doing everything, and keeping quiet when OH goes all "moody", then no-one will get the message.

It sounds to me like things need a real shake-up. OH having ME makes things more complicated - but then he did have a job before redundancy so surely he could take on more responsibilities around the house now he isn't working? And teenage kids need to understand that helping around the house is because families help each other and pull together so that one person doesn't get lumbered with all the menial stuff, rather than an opportunity to make money.

I think a starting point has to be you telling your OH and kids how tired, drained and depressed you have become due to your workload and family arguments. Don't downplay the seriousness of what you are going through, and ask them for ideas on how family life could be made happier and how everyone could contribute towards running the home. Asking for ideas makes everything a bit more open and hopefully puts people less on the defensive.

But a visit to your GP should be on the agenda too, it sounds like you are sinking fast and really need some professional help.

Pollycat

Hi juliff
I'm sorry to hear about your problems.

That was a tremendously heartless thing for your OH to say to you, it sounds like he's taking out his frustration on you - which just isn't fair.

Do you feel that your OH is doing enough around the house?
OK so he has ME but if you're out of the house working full time, he has at least 37 hours during the week to do a little cleaning, washing, preparing meals etc.
It's not going to do you as a family any good at all if you make yourself ill with worry and overwork.

I agree with JoJoB re a visit to your GP.

On a more practical side, is he claiming everything that he is entitled to?
Check out the Benefits board and also the Redundancy one.

You could try putting up a SOA on the DFW board, there'll be lots of advice on cutting your bills.
Here's the template:
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Regards

Silverbird

I would visit your GP and let them know how you're feeling.

Also, stop blaming yourself. Your OH was not forced by you to stand up for himself. You were not there, jabbing him in the back with a knife and telling him to do it. You suggested it and he decided to go through with it. He's just looking for something or somebody to blame and I find it disgusting that he's blaming it on you. Make sure you tell him how he's making you feel and that you didn't force him to say what he said.

People are being made redundant left, right and centre and that's the simple truth.