Feeling so low

Marg

Thanks to all for listening.

I dont think it will make any difference what I say. We have been together about 20 years, and I've never known him to say "sorry, I was wrong" and "I should not have said that". Usually he will go all moody and not talk to me for a few days, and I have to creep round him, and be the one in the wrong. This type of sulking behaviour is so unacceptable you shouldn't have to creep round anyone in your own home.

I usually do it especially for the kids sake - I cant stand the atmosphere. He is on tablets (Citroprolam), and has been for some time due to M.E. That's no excuse for sulking for days making your life a mesery

Maybe I shoud go away for a few days? Have you got somewhere safe & supportive you could go? Parents? friends?

He has sat downstairs all night, watching tv. I made him a cup of tea just now, but little was said. If he's able to watch TV all night then he can help round the house (& make his own cups of tea)

Maybe I am the bad one. He said yesterday that I dont listen to him. I have tried to be a good wife, but I get stressed sometimes - I do all the driiving, shopping, finanaces, deal with the kids & school, work full time, most of the housework (the kids sometimes help for extra pocket money). I feel overwhelmed most of the time tbh. You are not the bad one if you are supporting 3 people. It sounds like you have 3 children there and while you do everything for them they will let you -It should be your turn now to be looked after a bit Please seek professional help

The more I type, the more pointless it all seems.

I'm sorry if I've been harsh in my comments but only to persuade you to Please get help very soon - Your GP sounds like the best place to start if you can talk to him/her or ask them about counselling?

You can always come back to us here I hope maybe it helps you to get it all down in writing?

jack*tigger

Your place sounds like mine.

My OH can always work things around to being my fault and always gets grumpy with me when things are tough at work.

Like you I had 2 choices:-
1. Assume I was always wrong and it was all my fault.
2. Accept that he's just like that. He's stressed and will lash out at those nearest.

(I guess there's a 2rd choice of splitting up but I don't think either of us would benefit from that!)

So I go for option 2.
Mostly he's ok. But he has times when things are going wrong at work or he's got ANOTHER cold. And then I just keep out of the way and get on with my life. He can join in when he's ready.

It's like having a grumpy grizzly bear in the house. You leave it alone 'cos it you poke it its gonna get you.

But that doesn't mean that you have to suffer along with him. Carry on with your life, ignore the jibes, don't get into an argument and let him work through it himself.

Maybe a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus would be worth getting out of the library. It explains how blokes like to go him in their caves when things go wrong so they can work out the solution. Women like to discuss it with their (forum) mates and work out a solution that way.

If you need him to do jobs around the house tell him specifically what you need doing - one job at a time. And if the kids already hate you give them chores too - well it won't make them feel any worse and you get the work done. Kids always hate their parents it's part of life.

If you want to go out. Tell him where you are going and ask if he wants to come along. If he says no just say "See you later then" and go.

Well thats what I do anyway.

mountainofdebt

I've got to be honest when OH and I have had blazing (and I mean blazing)rows we don't speak for a couple of days either .......and as he once told me he couldn't have a row and then just act as if nothing is happened.

Yes its unfair that he is acting this way but (and I'm not defending him here) his male pride is hurting - he can't provide for his family so he needs something to lash out at (and I have to be honest I tend to lash out when I'm angry/upset) and unfortuantely its you that he is lashing out at.

I think you need to start laying down the law - and tell your husband and daughters the potential consequences of you becoming ill.....everyone needs to pull together and in the same direction and fast!

As for books - try 'Why Men don't talk and Women can't read maps' ......can't recommend this book highly enough.

Pee

I really feel for you. Well done on getting another job so soon.

I think it can be normal to feel resentful when other people do better than you, and that's what your OH is feeling.

I think you do need some time to yourself, to do something nice just for you, and maybe make everyone at home realise just how much you do.

kassandra

Right lady, don't ever say that your family will be happier without you again! You are being made to feel worthless and you're not. He probably doesn't realise how bad you feel, they never do. The kids are just being normal ungrateful stroppy teenagers, and like men, don't realise how it's making you feel. they are so self obsessed at that age and think the whole world revolves around them.

You have got to realise that none of this is about you! It's about them and they will not be giving you a second thought while you keep shut and carry on numbly with things. Is there anyone you can talk to? I feel quite concerned with your state of mind. I'm not being patronising, I just know how it feels.

Me and my OH split up this weekend and I moved into the attic. I've spent years feeling lonely and hated by my daughter. My daughter went to live with her father last week. I cried but let her go as I know when she is older, she will probably turn out to be my best friend, just like me and my mum.

OH called me hard faced but after my mum died suddenly and my partner cheated then married the girl on my mums birthday (on purpose!) all in the same year, nothing will bring me that far down again and I do know now that no matter how bad you feel, things do get better even if you think it won't.

During that period, I tried taking my own life. I know lonely and worthless. They were my only friends for a long time. Then I remembered my real friends and family, and opened the door to them again. I went for hypnotherapy and slowly got better. Please don't let yourself get as low as I was before seeking help. See, I'm nearly crying remembering how I felt, I'm not hard faced, I just know I'll survive and so will you.

Big hugs and caring thoughts
Kass

windswept

Try doing what they have you do in Marriage counselling - both have your say when you are feeling calm and rational, let the other talk, you will not want to hear a lot of the things the other has to say but sit there, without interruption until he has finished, then you have your say about how you feel without blaming him.

Things came to a head with me and my hubby about 6 weeks ago - I felt tired and moody all the time and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere, i had felt like that for months and the only response I had from him was anger, this from a man who used to be so laid back he was horizontal - it ended up with him saying he felt totally rejected by me and he truly thought I didn't care about him after 25 years together. This shocked me to the core and I had a few days of tears while I tried to make sense of what he'd said.
He lost his job last year in a very nasty situation where he felt he had no choice but to resign - he got another job fairly fast and didn't have time to really take him just how badly he had been affected by things.
I let him talk, listening and only giving supporting comments while he poured his heart out to me - it hurt me a lot to hear it ( he brought up things from years ago that I had no idea had upset him, for example) but it made me realise how we had stopped communicating.
I realised that I was projecting only negativity, I moaned and complained about everything and everybody, blaming others for the way I felt about myself - I've made a real effort to change and it has made a lot of difference to us both.
He said ( at the time) he felt so angry that he was ready to punch people at work - he's a factory manager so it really wouldn't be a good idea!
He doesn't feel like that anymore, thankfully - sex is fantastic stress reliever and we now hug and kiss each other daily in a way we hadn't done in 20 years.
Illness complicates your situation obviously, you probably feel that he could do more for the family and then you feel guilty - perhaps he needs therapy or counselling - I know M E is debilatating but a positive mind must help, he sounds like he's not coping very well with it and it's badly affecting your relationship.

julliff

Hello

Thanks to you all for your comments, it makes mee feel less overwhelmed.

Things are a bit better today. I left the house this morming before OH was up, and I didn't call home (usually we call each other). At lunchtime I walked to my sisters house, and talked with her. That helped, as I felt purged afterwards. I did say some dreadful things to sis, like "I wish he would die" then I wouldn't feel so anxious.


It wsa hard to concentrate at work as every little while the phranse "You lost me my job" popped into my head. Really, I think it was a spiteful thing to say.

Anyway, when I got back from lunch, there was a missed call from him. So I rang back, and we exchanged polite chat. I had to work late (I am in IT) and then had to rush across town to pick up DD1 from dance class, so I didnt get in until 7.15pm.

He gave me a scratchcard, so I think he wants to move on? He is in "his" room (the dining room which he has taken over) and has got his music on really loud. I can see that he has done some stuff in the house, so thats good. Normally, I would mention it, but I just dont feel like it - I am still hurting.

I'll see how things go, but I may go and stay at my Mums, as she is going away - I could do some alone time,

I feel very tired now, but thanks again for all the support you have shown me.

Mojisola

From what you've said, the problem is his, not yours. Could it be that he hasn't come to terms with the way ME has affected his life? It's no excuse for taking it out on you but it may be a place for him to start reassessing his life. It might help him to go on an Expert Patient course - https://www.expertpatients.co.uk

It could help a lot to have a while away. You'll get a breathing space and the others should realise how much you are doing for them.

pinkshoes

Whether he had ME or not is irrelevant, as it doesn't give someone the right to be rude and disrespectful without apologising!

What he said was horrible, and he needs to apologies. Handing you a scratch card is NOT an apology.

I think you should take your own advice and speak out, and tell him how much he's upset you. Go stay with at your Mum's and have some space.

You only get one chance at life, so shouldn't have to spend it being miserable.

msflowerfairy

1. Men sulk, it's a fact, just leave him get on with it he will come around eventually when he sees that him tantrums are not having an impact on you. (Even if they are)

2. He was not made redundant, his role was made redundant, and i would imagine that it was in the pipeline long before he spoke up. His pride has been dented, and he feels that he has the right to blame you. He doesn't.

3. He may be depressed becuase of the M.E, in which case he needs to see his G.P for help, and support.

4. And finally before i get off my soapbox i will say that perhaps you need to have a few strong words with him, his behaviour is unacceptable, he is supposed to be an adult.
You are both in a relationship that is supposed to rely on support through the good times and the bad times, and whether he likes it or not there are usually more bad times than good times.

Before anyone gets a bit stroppy with my post, i am not a man hater, in fact i have been married for the last 8 years, and it has taken a long time for my Hubby and i to learn the art of give and take.

Don't forget we are here, if you need to get anything else off your chest.