Feeling so low

Keeping_Positive

I think you need to be brave and start planning an escape route. He is clearly not showing any remorse or the slightest thought of you. Its all him. Also is he fit to look after the kids? Maybe you should point that out to him. It worked for me after years of being told I was a lousy mother just because I worked so he looked after the kids. Now if we argue I tell him to make a choice either leave and support himself or Ill go. He knows I mean it so he backs down.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat to someone on the phone.

Be strong he is in the wrong you are a good mother and wife.

yoni_one

(Jilliff)

It sounds like you want him to change, and I do not blame you for that, but unfortunately that needs to come from him.

He laughed and trivialised your hurt over the job situation, then directs the focus on how bad you made him feel.

It sounds like you are waiting and waiting for him to pull his finger out, start taking responsibility for himself at least, and start treating you with the respect you deserve.

That may be a long long wait and you will never be able to recover that time.

julliff

Thank you both for your replies.

I am really struggling just now. I feel bad, because everything he does is irritating me – I am quite snappy with him, even when he is trying to be nice.
The kids think I am mean to him, and take his side, this hurts me too, because I have always put them first, and he does not ( he blows hot and cold – I’m not saying he is bad to them, but his mood swings make him unpredictable). They would be crushed if we split up

Maybe it IS me – I am totally confused. We had a party this weekend (his idea, I don’t feel much like partying), and he was the life and soul.

I wish I could go away for a while, but I can’t. I am an IT contractor, and if I take any time off, I don’t get paid. As I am the only one working, it isn’t really an option.


I am a bit scared because when I walk out onto the “landing” at work, I keep imagining my self jumping off the third floor railings, into the reception area below. I have to keep thinking of my kids, to focus.

I am making a complete mess of my life – sorry to be so negative and weak.

mrcow

You're not being weak, you are just letting out how you feel. Trust me, it's much better than bottling it all up.

I personallly can't see things changing. You can't change other people. It's not possible. All you can do is either accept the situation for what it is and agree to keep working at it together, or move on and look for what/who it is who can make oyu happy. Is this what you want from your life? This how you want to be for the next 5, 10, 30 years?

You say that you want to go away, well perhaps a break could be a start? Do you have a friend that could go away with you for a few days? Getting away from it, being out of the loop for a while may help to focus your mind and feelings?

It also sounds like you could do with a break. As someone who has struggled with suicide and all the mess and baggage that comes with it for many years, I can tell you that you need to have proper support. Does anyone else know how you're feeling? How unhappy you are? You need to share this with someone - not your husband as he seems far too wrapped up in himself, but someone you can trust.

Keeping_Positive

How about going to relate on your own. The things you are thinking are signs that you need help and support. Having been there myself several times and only the thought of my children stopping me I can empathise. Please seek help from the doctors and ask for couselling. Dont see it as failiure because its not. Your kids deserve a well Mum and hopefully a well Dad. If he wont srot himself out then you need to be strong for both. The kids will see it that way eventually.

yoni_one

julliff wrote: »

Thank you both for your replies.

I am really struggling just now. I feel bad, because everything he does is irritating me – I am quite snappy with him, even when he is trying to be nice.

People can't just turn it on and off and expect others to follow suit, part of messing with the mind is to try and do just that, it is a way of getting the other person to question if they are somehow to blame for being miserable when the other person has switched to being a good guy for a while.


The kids think I am mean to him, and take his side, this hurts me too, because I have always put them first, and he does not ( he blows hot and cold – I’m not saying he is bad to them, but his mood swings make him unpredictable). They would be crushed if we split up

The kids are not seeing the bigger picture. His moods should not dictate those of the household. You need to be strong when they blame you. He has successfully manipulated you to believe you are responsible for his happiness, it doesn't take much to convince the kids of that too.

Maybe it IS me – I am totally confused. We had a party this weekend (his idea, I don’t feel much like partying), and he was the life and soul.

It isn't you, read over all the things you have written in this thread and understand why you are so vulnerable. Then please ring the helpline in my signature and discuss it with them, they fully understand your position and will not judge you.

I wish I could go away for a while, but I can’t. I am an IT contractor, and if I take any time off, I don’t get paid. As I am the only one working, it isn’t really an option.

Can you get away for at least a weekend, with or without the kids? Maybe start saving in a special fund for exactly this.


I am a bit scared because when I walk out onto the “landing” at work, I keep imagining my self jumping off the third floor railings, into the reception area below. I have to keep thinking of my kids, to focus.

I am really concerned about this and maybe you would find some comfort speaking to someone from the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 or receiving email support from them http://www.samaritans.org/

I am making a complete mess of my life – sorry to be so negative and weak.-
You are in a successful job, supporting your family, running your home and managing all this while coping with a controlling husband. It sounds like you have made a success of your life, and the mess is down to him, no wonder you are feeling negative. You are not being weak but you feel it and that is why you are vulnerable, please seek professional support, it can honestly help you shift to a stronger position and that will be great for your kids to learn from.

I'm thankful you are coming to this forum to seek support, you are very very low at the moment and it is good that you are focussing on your kids to stop yourself from seriously harming yourself but you really need help.

This low will lift, I don't promise it will be overnight but I promise it will, and you can start making it happen by accessing professional support.

Please take care.

Pollycat

Wow!
What a fabulous post, yoni_one. :T

Juliff
yoni_one has saidi EVERYTHING that I would have said if I'd been able to put it so well.

I do hope you take notice of what'd been said, it really does sound like you're being grinded (ground ) down by your home life.

Take care.;)

perplexed.com

Juliff, you say you think you are to blame for it all. Please go back to your older posts, swap "me" and "I" for the name of someone you like/respect and re-read. Then you might see you are most definitely not to blame. I also don't think your husband is depressed, I think he has interpersonal problems including an inability to be mature and to have an adult relationship with give and take involved and he is manipulative too. He may not of course be fully conscious that he is like this but his behaviour seems to have been like this for a long time. The fact that he is at times charming and funny means little as no-one has no positive qualities. In fact although I'm not saying he is one, psychopaths are almost always charming and socially skilled people.

julliff

Thank you all so much for your replies - it has been a great comfort.

Well, this is the end now.

We have agreed that it is over. I actually fell overcome with sadness. It is my birthday in 20 minutes - I wont forget this one quickly,

We sat and talked for hours - he actually conceded all the things I said. He said he loves me like a sister - and that all his frustrations come from us not having sex much. This is true. I have to take the blame for that. I am uncomfortable with my body, and I am always tired. He did give me a lovely present - necklace and bracelet.

He wants to stay in the house,becusehe has no job, and nowhere to go. He thinks we should just lead seperate lives. I dont like this idea, as it is too sad.
He wants us to be amicable, which seems sensible.

Why do I feel such a failure? I thought I would be relieved.

elisebutt65

julliff wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your replies - it has been a great comfort.

Well, this is the end now.

We have agreed that it is over. I actually fell overcome with sadness. It is my birthday in 20 minutes - I wont forget this one quickly,

We sat and talked for hours - he actually conceded all the things I said. He said he loves me like a sister - and that all his frustrations come from us not having sex much. This is true. I have to take the blame for that. I am uncomfortable with my body, and I am always tired. He did give me a lovely present - necklace and bracelet.
Well I don't think I'd feel like sex much with such a control freak!! Been there DTGTTS!
He wants to stay in the house,becusehe has no job, and nowhere to go. He thinks we should just lead seperate lives. I dont like this idea, as it is too sad.
He wants us to be amicable, which seems sensible.

Who's going to be paying for him to stay in the house??? He's not working? No wonder he wants to stay - If he moves he'll have to get out and pay his own way - sounds like he wants his cake etc
Why do I feel such a failure? I thought I would be relieved.

You're not the failure - he had everything and he's p*ssing it away with his behaviour.

Been reading this from the beginning and I really, really feel for you. I was married to someone like that - not now TG! and I was constantly ground down by having to run the house and listen to his derogatory insults - It took his other woman ringing me up to get rid of him!