Pregnant and Hubby doesnt love me

Georgie4

fitzilian19 wrote: »

i had planned on filing for divorce this week... however he says he is going to.

can he file for divorce and be the one who has committed adultery?

if he tries to divorce me saying i've done something wrong i think i'd be tempted to refuse. he's then have to wait 2 years with us seperated wouldnt he? that would solve my housing issues...!

Just wanted to let you know that he cannot petition for divorce on the grounds of his own adultery - but you can obviously initiate proceedings for that if you want to. If you do not want to divorce him then he will have to wait 2 years and see if you change your mind (both parties can consent after 2 years) on the grounds of irreconsilable differences leading to you living apart for 2 years. Other than that you can make him wait 5 years and then he needs no consent from you - so YOU are in control and try to remember that

Hope this helps;)

Thriftysaver

Hi Fitz,

Hope you are ok. I can't believe the cab would not do a calculation for you because the rates are changing soon. They could have still done a rough guide for you.

I know there is help for students and childcare because my cousing is going through this at the moment and I printed off some info from the cab computer. It's a bit long winded and as it's late I will read it and let you know the leaflet no. it is on.

I would do as your solicitor said and stay in the house until the baby is born.
Your hubby has to pay his half of the mortgage. If he doesn't speak to the mortgage company, put the mortgage on interest only for a while.

Go back to the registry office where the marriage was registered ( I know you married in church but it's still registered in the district registry office). It will cost you about £9 to get a copy and then give it to your solicitor and start procedings on the grounds of his adultery-unreasonable behaviour.

I can't believe him. Even now by telling you HE is divorcing you he is still trying to control you. Stay in the house for as long as you can. By selling the house he gets out of his responsibilities and moves on as if nothings happened. Make him PAY. (sorry but he makes me so angry for you).

I'm going to check the housing situation for you and I'll get back to you. Just wanted wish you well and don't worry all will be ok in the end.

Take care and big hugs

Thrifty

k2tog

Just found this thread Fitz and can't believe how badly he has behaved.
What a pathetic specimen of a man.

You on the other hand, are being dignified and strong - even if you don't always feel like you are.

I don't know what else to say except that I'm thinking of you and the bub.
Take care

Nicki

Georgie4 wrote: »

Just wanted to let you know that he cannot petition for divorce on the grounds of his own adultery - but you can obviously initiate proceedings for that if you want to. If you do not want to divorce him then he will have to wait 2 years and see if you change your mind (both parties can consent after 2 years) on the grounds of irreconsilable differences leading to you living apart for 2 years. Other than that you can make him wait 5 years and then he needs no consent from you - so YOU are in control and try to remember that

Hope this helps;)

Unfortunately this post isn't quite true.

It is true to say that he cannot use his own adultery as grounds for divorce. However he could choose to divorce on the grounds of your unreasonable behaviour, and there is no qualifying time period for this. Unreasonable behaviour is a bit of a joke as far as divorce grounds are concerned. Despite how it sounds it no longer means these days any bad behaviour on your part, or indeed (IMHO) any unreasonable behaviour on your part. The court will accept just about anything these days as particulars, and short of you defending the divorce which would just eat up your joint assets and have the effect of meaning you end up not divorced rather than divorced as you actually want, there's little you can do about it.

Some examples of things I've seen cited (and accepted) as unreasonable behaviour (to show you what I mean by anything goes) are: shouting at the other party/arguments with them, not doing an equal share of housework. disagreements over lifestyle choices, making jokes at their expense in public, etc. A lot of these things can in extreme cases be quite serious forms of behaviour granted, but a lot of them in context are not particularly serious and form part and parcel of normal married life.

I'd strongly recommend, as others have said, that you speak to your solicitor again, and if you aren't comfortable with her, or she isn't as available for you as you might like, that you consider changing solicitor now before you get too far into the process for someone you feel more comfortable with.

With fraught situations like this, it is incredibly dangerous to take legal advice from either an internet forum or from friends, as they will either get the law wrong in principle, or be unaware how it is actually applied in practice, and you can end up getting stuck in a mindset based on what your friends tell you is the law, or what is your moral right, which is unachievable in real life, and this only makes the whole process more stressful and prolonged in the long run. You need to use your lawyer for the legal stuff and your friends for the emotional support only.

wannabe_sybil

Nicki wrote: »

Unfortunately this post isn't quite true.

It is true to say that he cannot use his own adultery as grounds for divorce. However he could choose to divorce on the grounds of your unreasonable behaviour, and there is no qualifying time period for this. Unreasonable behaviour is a bit of a joke as far as divorce grounds are concerned. Despite how it sounds it no longer means these days any bad behaviour on your part, or indeed (IMHO) any unreasonable behaviour on your part. The court will accept just about anything these days as particulars, and short of you defending the divorce which would just eat up your joint assets and have the effect of meaning you end up not divorced rather than divorced as you actually want, there's little you can do about it.

Some examples of things I've seen cited (and accepted) as unreasonable behaviour (to show you what I mean by anything goes) are: shouting at the other party/arguments with them, not doing an equal share of housework. disagreements over lifestyle choices, making jokes at their expense in public, etc. A lot of these things can in extreme cases be quite serious forms of behaviour granted, but a lot of them in context are not particularly serious and form part and parcel of normal married life.

I'd strongly recommend, as others have said, that you speak to your solicitor again, and if you aren't comfortable with her, or she isn't as available for you as you might like, that you consider changing solicitor now before you get too far into the process for someone you feel more comfortable with.

With fraught situations like this, it is incredibly dangerous to take legal advice from either an internet forum or from friends, as they will either get the law wrong in principle, or be unaware how it is actually applied in practice, and you can end up getting stuck in a mindset based on what your friends tell you is the law, or what is your moral right, which is unachievable in real life, and this only makes the whole process more stressful and prolonged in the long run. You need to use your lawyer for the legal stuff and your friends for the emotional support only.

This is a fantastic post.

kazmc

Oh my god, I have just read this thread and cannot believe what I have read.
First of all, I am so so sorry
Second and more importantly I have been in your exact situation.
7 years ago I found out my long term partner had started an affair when I was 7 months pregnant.
To say the world fell from beneath my feet is an undertatement.
He moved out of our home and in with her the day I gave birth.
I was then made redundant when my daughter was 3 months old.
Her dad fought me tooth and nail for everything and made me sell my home.
I lost everything

BUT

please do not give up.
GET ANGRY
Do not give him an inch
Do not give your baby his surname, use your maiden name.
Fight him for everything you can possibly get from him

Everything you have said about your ex could have been written about mine.
He will get nasty, its guilt in a terrible form.

all I can say is that my daughter is now 7.
We live in a not very nice area, but I managed to buy my own home with a self certification interest free mortgage. I work fulltime, I'm still single and ....

I couldnt be happier.
My daughter is my life and I thankgod that I do not have to share her, we have a wonderful unbreakable bond that was worth the years of crap I took from him after he destroyed my life.

Yes, its been the hardest 7 years of my life but the most rewarding as well.

Please please do PM me if you want any help or an understanding shoulder.

I truly do know what you are going through.

ps always be a little wary with his family, blood is thicker than water as I found out to my detriment.

Good luck xxx

fitzilian19

i'm very aware that blood is thicker than water - my mum found out this when my dad cheated on her.

my solicitor is probably completely out of my league - shes in high court this week - but is a friend of a friend so has so far given me advice for free.


he called me again today. told me she doesnt want him living with her and he has to find his own flat. i told him to speak to his parents about living there (he said he cant afford mortgage and rent) or he'll have to move into the spare room here. i'd rather that than have the house reposessed and loads of debt instead of some sort of settlement.

he thinks his parents have a solution - i emailed his mum and asked what this is as i want to have anything they say in writing before we meet on saturday - which will be 3 vs me and a lot of pressure put on.


he seems to think his parents wont have him (dont blame them - he's bought shame on their family and they are rather stuck up). so he's pressuring me to sell asap and move in with mum, so he can rent his own flat. i asked how that would be fair, considering i have a child. suggested he flat-share. he said he wants his own place and cant share.



he's money-led with everything. i wouldnt b suprised if he rented somewhere until divorced and money settled, then moved straight back in with her... anything to save himself a few quid in the long run and avoid being blacklisted for credit.



if he were try to petition for divorce against me i would seriously consider not agreeing to it. then i could keep the house until it was worth more.



i dont know... all seems so confusing. mums coming up tonight so she can come to midwife with me 2mo (no doubt more crying) - then we're going to drive past a new development that has part rent/part buy... just to see what is around.

he seems to think if i were to walk away with 20k (this is a big if) i could rent for 4/5 years... with rent here at £650 a month i worked it out at 2 years tops... without worrying about food, bills and a growing child...

Amanda65

fitzilian19 wrote: »

he called me again today. told me she doesnt want him living with her and he has to find his own flat ...

Sounds like loves young dream isn't quite so keen now she has realised that this is more than just an affiar - serves him right!

fitzilian19 wrote: »

he thinks his parents have a solution - i emailed his mum and asked what this is as i want to have anything they say in writing before we meet on saturday - which will be 3 vs me and a lot of pressure put on....

Can you have a friend / your mum with you as well just for support. It seems rather heavy handed on his parents part, even though I am sure they have their grandchild's interests at heart. If nothing else it will eman that someone else is there to witness any conversations, should you need this later.

And for what it's worth, I think you are doing really well. Don't let him bully you. Once you hear the sound of your baby's heartbeat tomorrow it will make you realise what he is foresaking and you are gaining.

k2tog

From your last post Fitz, he sounds like self-centred, spoilt brat- he wants....he can't....he doesn't want....

He needs to get used to the idea that this not all about HIM, and quickly.

He was the one who has turned his back on the relationship so he may just have to put up with a situation (such as a flat-share) which is beneath his lofty expectations.

IMO you need to have some one with you for the meeting even if it's just for quiet support - maybe a church elder?

Hope you and the bump are doing OK. Try and enjoy the scan when you go.

fitzilian19

saw the midwife today and heard the heartbeat (she couldnt find it at first and i was about to burst into tears) the baby had gone right down low - which explains why i hadnt felt it for a few days...

blood pressure is up - suprisingly... and glucose in my sample so will have to keep an eye on that - really dont want to have to put up with gestational diabetes too!


popped into a shared ownership scheme in town this morning... that looks like a positive step for me... just got to get the house sold or my name off the mortgage to apply. dont know if that is possible??

going to talk to him saturday about it. i'd ideally need to get a lump for a deposit and then i'd be willing to take monthly payments to make up the rest of what my solicitor thinks i'm entitled to.

i would have to go back to work part time, but i could think about an open uni degree for 3 years and then do the pgce - so would take same time as doing Initial Techer Training but i'd be able to pay my bills in the meantime...

just need to decide on a settlement now.


feeling much more positive today - just got to hold on to the sound of my baby's heartbeat every time i feel down i think!