Pregnant and Hubby doesnt love me

fitzilian19

2 weeks ago my hubby mentioned that we'd been 'drifting' since before we started trying for the baby... he said he wasnt happy.

we attempted to talk things over but he says he doesnt know what he wants, doesnt know what to do etc...

last night he mentioned he'd looked into child maintenence... that tells me he's given up on us already. (i'd been looking into how to save our marriage - completely on the wrong wavelength)



we've only been married 18 mnths, but dated for 5 years before... we're both young (me 22 and him 25) we have a massive mortgage (900 a month) so if we do split i wont be able to stay where i am. i cant go back home as the house is full and looking at renting - i couldnt afford a 1bed flat on my income even after going back to work after baby arrives.

looked into social housing... would leave me about £20 a month. without running a car or clothing/feeding baby etc


everything seems so hopeless at the moment, i never imagined this would happen - and it seems harder that he's not in love with me - feel like i've done something wrong.

sorry just needed to tell someone...

Leopardlady

I couldn't read and run, but don't know what to say. I think you both need to talk a bit more about this, and he needs to hear your side of things. Counselling may well help to start with, as divorce is very expensive and stressful. He may need to speak to someone impartial and work out his priorities. You need to try and keep calm while you are pregnant, although i imagine this is virtually impossible.

Please feel free to PM me if you want a chat.

Huge hugs to you, I hope everything looks better as the day goes on.

3onitsway

Poor you! How pregnant are you? Could it be the reality that he's going to be a dad has frightened him?

I've just had my third child, and from experience, I know being pregnant does strange things to your emotions - both mum and dad!

Had you noticed that you'd been 'drifting'?

You need to have a good talk about it, if you had a good relationship before, i'm sure you can both work to bring it back. It can be very scary being a parent - but it can be lots of fun too.

And you need to join the Parent thread on here. There lots of lovely pregnant ladies on there - quite a few of them have had relationship up and downs throughout their pregnancys.

MORPH3US

Does your partner work and how safe is his job?

I think lots of people are stressed and negative in general at the moment due to credit crunch this, redundancy that, house prices falling the other....

Add to that the "fear" (for want of a better word) of being a dad and being responsible for another human life..... it is scary (to lots of people) and perhaps thats the problem...

You need to sit down together and talk things through openly and honestly either on your own or with a counsellor....

You also need to remind him that he only married you 18 months ago and the vows he made were to commit to you and for you to be together. Whats changed since then?

Try not to worry OP, but you need to act quickly to get this sorted!

Hope things work out.

Nicki

First of all don't panic, and try not to overreact. Hard I know when you are pregnant and feeling very vulnerable.

Your husband is clearly going through some stress and uncertainty at the moment. The fact that he says he doesn't know what he wants to do tells you that he hasn't decided already that the marriage is over, just that he is confused and not able to think things through. Its not uncommon for men to get depressed when a new baby is on the way, however planned and wanted that child was. As others have said it is a huge change to the dynamic of the relationship.

Would OH agree to go to the GP with you? He may well need some anti-depressants to get him through this period, but only a trained medical professional can assess this. It also sounds like you'd both benefit from some joint counselling. Is there a branch of relate nearby, or if you are members of a church, could you speak to someone there?

It is very easy when both parties in a relationship are feeling vulnerable for different reasons to react to stress in such a way, that you end up throwing a relationship which could be saved away. You clearly want the marriage to continue, so you need to fight hard to make sure that it does so. That may mean that you need to give your husband a lot of emotional and practical support at a time when actually what you really need is to have this kind of support from him! Do you have friends IRL who can support you, while you support him and work things through?

The other person who may be able to point you in the direction of professionals who could help during this period is your midwife, and it may well be worth speaking to her about it. If you can, I'd try not to involve family at this point if you can avoid it, as if this crisis passes, you may find that just knowing that it occurred ruins your family's relationship with your OH for a long time in the future, and it might be hard if you have completely forgiven him to have to live with the fact that they cannot.

fitzilian19

he just told me he has started seeing his badminton partner, for about 2 weeks but its not gone far.

i suggested we speak to our church elder, we are christians who are fairly active in the church. he said he didnt want to involve people outside cos it would spread...

he wont see GP, i thought he'd been acting depressive and suggested it a few weeks ago.



what do i do?


16 weeks pregnant

busiscoming2

Hi Firstly a big hug.
You say he sensed you were 'drifting' before you started trying for a baby. He should have come clean about his feelings then. Still hindsight is a wonderful thing. I suggest you sit down and have a good heart to heart, and if that causes arguments then maybe Relate? I would also ask him to stop playing/meeting up with the badminton partner while you try and sort things out.

Nicki

fitzilian19 wrote: »

he just told me he has started seeing his badminton partner, for about 2 weeks but its not gone far.

i suggested we speak to our church elder, we are christians who are fairly active in the church. he said he didnt want to involve people outside cos it would spread...

You can't force him to see the GP unless he wants to, but that's not to say that you can't speak to your own midwife for support.

Does his badminton partner know you are pregnant? Is she Christian too? You'd like to think (possibly naively) that a woman wouldn't get involved with another woman's husband knowing that she was pregnant.

Would he pray with you about this, or read the bible together, and could this lead on to speaking to the church elder? Or if you are part of a home group or something similar, speaking to someone he trusts in that group. I suspect the reason he doesn't want to speak to the elder is because he is ashamed of how he is behaving, as anything you tell the elder in a pastoral context should be kept completely confidential.

If he is an active Christian, and you are sure that he isn't having a faith crisis on top of everything else, you might be able to make some headway along the lines of: it's not having the thoughts and being tempted which is the problem, its the not reaching out for help to resist that temptation, and that he won't be judged by anyone for being tempted, but that letting things get too far will be a whole different matter. After all if he did decide to up and leave, there wouldn't be much hiding that from the whole church community, not just the elder!

Again, the fact that he doesn't want to seek help and support from the church doesn't mean that you shouldn't do so on your own, if that feels appropriate to you.

I hope you can find a way together to sort things out.

Piggles12345

fitzilian19 wrote: »

he just told me he has started seeing his badminton partner, for about 2 weeks but its not gone far.

i suggested we speak to our church elder, we are christians who are fairly active in the church. he said he didnt want to involve people outside cos it would spread...

I don't think he is a Christian!! The above two sentiments do not sit together if he believe what his own holy books tells him!

fitzilian19

he says he has a connection with her and that he's tried to push it away but cant... that said he has continued to see her most nights a week playing 'badminton' and is still on contact on phone, email and facebook etc.


she knows about the baby. she claims to want one herself - but is in a lesbian relationship and her girlfriend isnt sure she wants kids.


im not sure he could be an active christian and not want to seek help with all this.


what makes it worse is that my dad did the same thing (we were older children) and yet he claims he'll be nothing like him... he thinks he'll be able to see the baby on a daily basis, i cant see how that could work.

MORPH3US

fitzilian19 wrote: »

he just told me he has started seeing his badminton partner, for about 2 weeks but its not gone far.

OUCH! That puts a whole different spin on things....

What does "its not gone far" mean and do you believe him?

Not trying to stir things up or make you more worried just trying to give advice with all the facts in hand...