Pregnant and Hubby doesnt love me

Amanda65

You've done the right thing, getting others involved and giving him an ultimatum. What did his parents think? How can he knwo this other lady is 'long term' after such a short time .

He's not the first (and won't be the last) to confuse lust and the first flush of a new relationship with love - wonder how she'll feel once she's picking up his skiddy underpants or he'll feel when she's shaving her legs with his razor. When it all boils down to it, a relationship is a relationship, just different players.

Hope he comes to his senses - but he will need to know how much he has hurt you. Good luck x

galvanizersbaby

fitzilian19 wrote: »

we talked last night along with his parents... he thinks the other woman is long term (they both love each other) but wants more time to decide. i've told him i cant live in our house together if he's going to come home and go straight out to her.
i'm staying with my mum til sunday night - then he'll have to find somewhere else to stay.

given him until next weekend to make a decision... he either comes to his sister's with me or he spends the weekend packing his stuff.

OP - I feel so sad and angry for you - but I think your doing the right thing for what it's worth hun x

A lot of posters are suggesting that he is finding it difficult to adjust/come to terms with the pregnancy/oncoming baby etc... and I know that this is something many men struggle with but however hard it may be for him his behaviour is not in any way acceptable/justifable/understandable in my opinion.

You and the baby are what matters now - I wish you both all the best x

Nicki

fitzilian19 wrote: »

we talked last night along with his parents... he thinks the other woman is long term (they both love each other) but wants more time to decide. i've told him i cant live in our house together if he's going to come home and go straight out to her.
i'm staying with my mum til sunday night - then he'll have to find somewhere else to stay.

given him until next weekend to make a decision... he either comes to his sister's with me or he spends the weekend packing his stuff.

I'm sorry its come to this and hope he makes the decision you want. I also hope you haven't been too precipitious in throwing him out. I've had a couple of friends whose husbands have been caught out in affairs either during their pregnancy or just after the birth, and who have left for the other woman on being given an ultimatum. With hindsight, both have said that if the husband hadn't been given a shotgun ultimatum they think the marriage could have been saved. Though that's not to say that they aren't both glad to be rid of him!

One thing you might want to be careful about though, if you are an active member of the church, is that you aren't seen as the one who has instigated the breakup, and that you don't lose the support of the church when you most need it. On what you have posted, your husband hasn't actually been unfaithful to you, and although he has expressed doubts about the future of the marriage, at the moment it is you who is actually demanding that it comes to an end now, rather than giving him time to work through his confusions and to reject the other woman.

Katyag

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

snipped

A lot of posters are suggesting that he is finding it difficult to adjust/come to terms with the pregnancy/oncoming baby etc... and I know that this is something many men struggle with but however hard it may be for him his behaviour is not in any way acceptable/justifable/understandable in my opinion.

My post was about the father struggling but I totally agree with you. He needs to realise what he is doing to OP. Being pregnant is hard work and emotional upset like this isnt fair.

galvanizersbaby

Nicki wrote: »

I'm sorry its come to this and hope he makes the decision you want. I also hope you haven't been too precipitious in throwing him out. I've had a couple of friends whose husbands have been caught out in affairs either during their pregnancy or just after the birth, and who have left for the other woman on being given an ultimatum. With hindsight, both have said that if the husband hadn't been given a shotgun ultimatum they think the marriage could have been saved. Though that's not to say that they aren't both glad to be rid of him!

Perhaps but what about the next time the men concerned get confused/feel threatened etc...In my opinion a man like this worth saving? - probably not

One thing you might want to be careful about though, if you are an active member of the church, is that you aren't seen as the one who has instigated the breakup, and that you don't lose the support of the church when you most need it. On what you have posted, your husband hasn't actually been unfaithful to you, and although he has expressed doubts about the future of the marriage, at the moment it is you who is actually demanding that it comes to an end now, rather than giving him time to work through his confusions and to reject the other woman.

Maybe not physically but emotionally for sure - together with the fact that he feels he has a long term future with this other woman and not his wife the OP who is carrying his child

galvanizersbaby

Katyag wrote: »

My post was about the father struggling but I totally agree with you. He needs to realise what he is doing to OP. Being pregnant is hard work and emotional upset like this isnt fair.

Sorry Katyag - wasn't picking on your post in particular - I know a lot of men struggle but manage to come out the other side ok given time but in my experience a man that does what the OP's husband is doing can rarely go the distance longterm so to speak - however hopefully for the OP's sake in this case I am wrong

Nicki

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Maybe not physically but emotionally for sure - together with the fact that he feels he has a long term future with this other woman and not his wife the OP who is carrying his child

I agree

However the OP has made a point of saying she is an active Christian and a keen member of her church, and the Christian viewpoint is that marriages are not easy and are to be worked on. The Christian church would (I think) take the view that a married man who was physically and emotionally attracted to another woman, should remain married and not act on his feelings towards the other woman, and that the wife should accept that her husband has been tempted but rejected the temptation, forgive him and continue with the marriage.

This is because the church takes the view that marriage is for life. It recognises that there will be difficulties and temptations which crop up during the marriage but both parties are expected to work these out between themselves.

OP has chosen not to take any advice from the elders of the church on how to deal with the matter, and to throw her husband out after 18 months of marriage because he has confessed to being tempted in thought rather than (yet) deed by another woman. She may therefore find that this leads to her being judged by her fellow active church members in a way she would not have been had her husband actually chosen to leave her, which would be unfortunate at a time when she most needs support.

This is not necessarily my private view of the rights and wrongs of the matter, but something which perhaps the OP should consider (even if she then rejects it) before she commits herself fully to a course of action. It was only yesterday after all that she started the thread by saying she hoped to save the marriage, and I am concerned that her decision last night to issue a knee jerk ultimatum was perhaps fuelled by some of the "Kick the bum out, you're worth more" messages she read on here, which are both not in tune with her religious beliefs nor her apparent inner desires to bring her child up with her husband, but are themselves a form of temptation in the marriage, which she is succumbing to.

Katyag

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Sorry Katyag - wasn't picking on your post in particular - I know a lot of men struggle but manage to come out the other side ok given time but in my experience a man that does what the OP's husband is doing can rarely go the distance longterm so to speak - however hopefully for the OP's sake in this case I am wrong

Thats ok I know you weren't but after reading your post it made me think my post sounded as if I was seeing it all from OP's DH's side. So I wanted to make it clear that his behaviour isnt fair regardless of how hes feeling.

Katyag

Nicki wrote: »

I agree

However the OP has made a point of saying she is an active Christian and a keen member of her church, and the Christian viewpoint is that marriages are not easy and are to be worked on. The Christian church would (I think) take the view that a married man who was physically and emotionally attracted to another woman, should remain married and not act on his feelings towards the other woman, and that the wife should accept that her husband has been tempted but rejected the temptation, forgive him and continue with the marriage.

This is because the church takes the view that marriage is for life. It recognises that there will be difficulties and temptations which crop up during the marriage but both parties are expected to work these out between themselves.

OP has chosen not to take any advice from the elders of the church on how to deal with the matter, and to throw her husband out after 18 months of marriage because he has confessed to being tempted in thought rather than (yet) deed by another woman. She may therefore find that this leads to her being judged by her fellow active church members in a way she would not have been had her husband actually chosen to leave her, which would be unfortunate at a time when she most needs support.

This is not necessarily my private view of the rights and wrongs of the matter, but something which perhaps the OP should consider (even if she then rejects it) before she commits herself fully to a course of action. It was only yesterday after all that she started the thread by saying she hoped to save the marriage, and I am concerned that her decision last night to issue a knee jerk ultimatum was perhaps fuelled by some of the "Kick the bum out, you're worth more" messages she read on here, which are both not in tune with her religious beliefs nor her apparent inner desires to bring her child up with her husband, but are themselves a form of temptation in the marriage, which she is succumbing to.

Im an active Christian and I know my church would back me in whatever I felt was right. I didnt go to the church when we had our problems as we wanted it to be kept more private until we had decided / sorted what was happening.

I lady from my church split up from her husband after having 4 children, there wasnt anyone else involved but the church supported her completely as it was her choice and what she knew was best for her and her children. I know many churches are different but I would think any decent church will support its members in what they feel is right for them.

It is maybe early for an ultimatum but OP must feel in limbo while her DH decides what he wants so I can understand her wanting to know where she stands as its not just herself to consider. I know when my DH thought of leaving me when i was pregnant with DS1 all sorts goes thru your mind, even drastic actions!

galvanizersbaby

Nicki wrote: »

I agree

However the OP has made a point of saying she is an active Christian and a keen member of her church, and the Christian viewpoint is that marriages are not easy and are to be worked on. The Christian church would (I think) take the view that a married man who was physically and emotionally attracted to another woman, should remain married and not act on his feelings towards the other woman, and that the wife should accept that her husband has been tempted but rejected the temptation, forgive him and continue with the marriage.

This is because the church takes the view that marriage is for life. It recognises that there will be difficulties and temptations which crop up during the marriage but both parties are expected to work these out between themselves.

OP has chosen not to take any advice from the elders of the church on how to deal with the matter, and to throw her husband out after 18 months of marriage because he has confessed to being tempted in thought rather than (yet) deed by another woman. She may therefore find that this leads to her being judged by her fellow active church members in a way she would not have been had her husband actually chosen to leave her, which would be unfortunate at a time when she most needs support.

This is not necessarily my private view of the rights and wrongs of the matter, but something which perhaps the OP should consider (even if she then rejects it) before she commits herself fully to a course of action. It was only yesterday after all that she started the thread by saying she hoped to save the marriage, and I am concerned that her decision last night to issue a knee jerk ultimatum was perhaps fuelled by some of the "Kick the bum out, you're worth more" messages she read on here, which are both not in tune with her religious beliefs nor her apparent inner desires to bring her child up with her husband, but are themselves a form of temptation in the marriage, which she is succumbing to.

I agree with your post and from my limited experience with the church I think you may be right in the way they will view the OP's ultimatum to her husband,
however it does after all take both people concerned to want to work at a marriage and from what OP has posted she is the only person at present in the marriage wanting to make it work - her husband has been relatively honest with her re his feelings for this other woman even so far as to say he thinks it will be a longterm thing and that they love each other.

Perhaps playing by the rules of the church the OP should wait until he actually leaves her for this other woman but I believe she must have some sense of self worth and dignity regardless of her religious beliefs.

I think it is the OP that matters right now, not what the church elders may or may not think - but that is just my view