Pregnant and Hubby doesnt love me

fitzilian19

i believe him... i dont think they've had sex.


i just cant get over the fact he wants to just throw everything we have away because there might be something with her?

jamespir

he sound s like a right prat you well rid

Nicki

fitzilian19 wrote: »

i just cant get over the fact he wants to just throw everything we have away because there might be something with her?

I'm sure this isn't the reason! She is just something handy for him to focus on, whilst he's otherwise feeling a bit overwhelmed by life. If she wasn't around, he could just as easily be contemplating a year abroad doing a VSO or some other form of escape.

If you think about things logically a lesbian woman who is currently in a stable relationship with another woman, is not the most obvious choice for a potentially unfaithful husband. In fact, to be perfectly honest, she's quite a safe choice for a man who doesn't in his heart want to be unfaithful, to develop a crush on.

It's not going to help though if you tell him he can't be a Christian if he's feeling the way he does. If anything that's only going to drive a bigger wedge between you, especially if your faith is something which previously brought you together. Isn't the whole point of Christianity to recognise that everyone is flawed, and everyone is tempted, and that Christians are no more immune from this than anyone else? Yes, resolving the problems with the help of the church is probably the Christian way to go, but the fact that it is taking him a few weeks to get to the place where he is ready to do that, does not suddenly make him not an active Christian. It just makes him one who is still struggling with temptation. I know it is hard, but all you can really do is to try to encourage him to deal with things in a way which is right for you both, and to try not to let your own childhood experiences influence what you do or feel now. He is not your dad, and there is no reason to assume yet that he will definitely leave and that if he does that he would behave to his child in the same way your father did to you.

Thriftysaver

fitzilian19 wrote: »

he says he has a connection with her and that he's tried to push it away but cant... that said he has continued to see her most nights a week playing 'badminton' and is still on contact on phone, email and facebook etc.

.




If he really wanted to "push it away" then he wouldn't be 'playing badminton' still and still in contact with her.

How would he feel if the tables were turned? Your insides must be churning.

Sit him down and give him an ultimatum, don't allow him to unburden his guilty feelings upon you. He can't just say I don't know what to do leaving you in limbo.

Being pregnant is such an emotional time anyway, leaving you vulnerable anyway without him actually piling this on you. This should be a happy time for you. You need reassurance not left worrying about if your life is about to fall apart.

How selfish of him. Tell him you don't want to hear about any feelings he may have about this woman as it's disrespectful to your feelings.

Give him a time scale and then take back the control (he's in control at the moment. Don't let him do this to you).

I Know I sound harsh and this is only my opinion. Let him know what he will lose. Value yourself. You are worth it. If he dithers or won't (not can't) stop these feelings then he is not the man you thought he was and you're better off on your own.

I feel so angry for you. Big hugs.

Take care of yourself. I hope it does work out for you.

Thrifty:A

fitzilian19

she broke up with her girlfriend.. he hadnt told me that.. before her she was with a bloke so not a commited lesbian

he doesnt want me... has made that clear today. i only wish he'd decided before we got pregnant... poor baby

jackieb

I'm so sorry, and sorry that he didn't tell you earlier.

I've no advice for you but I do know someone who went through something similar. Immediately after their 3rd child was born (I mean a week after!), he told her he didn't want to have a family anymore. I don't know if he was overwhelmed or just plain selfish. They sold their house, and the youngest is about 8yo now and she's doing just fine. I know it'll be hard at first, but if he's not willing to talk to anybody about it do you really want to force him to stay. It wouldn't be a good atmosphere for you or your baby. Would you have someone at your church for you to talk to, or to give you support?

Wishing you (and baby) all the very best. XXX

JoJoB

I agree with Nicki - the fact he's chosen someone so obviously unsuitable and unavailable to have a crush on indicates that this is not really about her. There may be many things going on with him, like others have said here - and maybe impending fatherhood has brought up all sorts of feelings of being overwhelmed and unable to cope with the responsibility.

Not much consolation to you when you need your man to be strong for you at the most vulnerable and scary time in your life though is it? But it may be down to you to be ultra-strong to get you both through this crisis. If he is not happy to see the church-elder perhaps it would be wise to see someone at Relate. Perhaps introduce the idea in the sense of you need help figuring out how to work out future access re the child and how to be good parents while apart. That might at least get him in for a counselling session without him feeling like he is being pressured into it. Once there you don't know what will come out - he may be more open than with church people if he is worried about your personal affairs being broadcast.

I don't think it would be helpful to focus on his being a bad Christian - it may be that he is having a crisis of faith too and feels he can't talk about this for fear of being judged. It must be truly frightening for you, but he sounds very lost and can't explain his feelings properly. Maybe the simple fact that he found this girl attractive caused guilt feelings which have triggered all this uncertainty?

If, after all the talking in the world, he still feels the same then do not panic about the housing/financial side of things. Depending on where you are there should be lots of help available. I'm not sure where you got the figure of £20 per week after bills etc, but the single mothers I know are certainly not that destitute! You will get child benefit of £80 per month, plus child tax credits, plus your rent paid and council tax. You will also be eligible for a £500 surestart maternity grant, plus you get a lump sum of child benefit before the child is born now. entitled.to.com is a good site to put your details in and find out what benefits you will get. This will enable you to plan a little. Freecycle is good if you need furniture and baby stuff.

And I am sure you would get lots of support from your church. Don't be afraid to ask for practical help when you need it. People do pull together wondefully at times like this.

Hopefully he will open up to you though and will realise what he is putting you through.

Amanda65

I am completely in agreement with Thrifty on this one. Your OH has chosen to offload his guilt onto you at a time when you are extremely vulnerable and hormonal. He is calling all the shots at the moment and you need to take control again.

I would go to see a CAB advisor and find out exactly what your rights are with regard to maintenance, benefits etc. and once you have the information sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms how selfish he is being and how much he letting down not just you, but his unborn child. Then give him an ultimatum, tell him that you will never use your son/daughter as a bargaining tool, regardless where he chooses to live, but that you need to have a decision from him about who he wants to be with.

And s0d him not wanting to involve outsiders - you need support at the moment as he appears to have his 'shoulder to cry on' so involve whoever you need to to get you through this.

Just as an aside (and I'm not suggesting that this is an excuse) was it difficult to get pregnant, by which I mean, where you toally focussed on making babies for a long time rather than making love, in which case perhaps he feels somewhat sidelined?

Keep strong - there is a little baby who is totally reliant on you alone for the next few months and needs you to give it the best start ever, even if it's selfish father has decided now is the time to find out if the grass is greener.

Nikabella

I agree with what a lot of people have said about the sudden realisation that he is going to become a father & have the responsibility for a whole extra human life could have prompted this behaviour.

My friends mother is a midwife & she has told me that apparently a shockingly large number of men cheat when their partners are pregnant, that she has heard the story many times & that it seems to be some kind of weird knee jerk reaction. Although it doesn't sound like your OH may have physically cheated yet but mentally he is wandering.

Perhaps he could benefit from some sort of place where he could talk to other prespective fathers, such as the babycentre forum, I think that still has a Dad's Only section (am I allowed to say that?). I really think you need to try & get him to talk to his GP/elder or go to Relate. You could try suggesting to him that you are going to go & talk to the elder about it on your own as you are deeply hurt & not sure where to turn & that may prompt him to go. You have the right to talk to whoever you want about this - you haven't done anything wrong.

I'm really sorry to hear you are going throught this terrible time when you should be able to be enjoying your pregnancy. Try not to let yourself get too stressed as it isn't good for you or the baby.

A.x

nikki702

He sounds like a total prat :mad:, u and baby are probably better off without him, one day u will meet someone decent who will care for you.

I hope ur feeling better soon and good luck with ur pregnancy