Shocked - Meeting at School

leiela

Today myself and my husband where called out of work unexpectedly by the school so go and see to an incident.

The whole affair has left me shocked beyond belief.

It seemed my 7 year old son, beat a girl in his class so severly she had to be taken to hospital.

Luckily the the girl is fine, understandably shook up and alittle bit bruised but otherwise fine.

The reason this shock's me so much is that its the first time anything like this has happened my 7 year old can be a handful in that he's he doens't always listen to instructions and can be abit naughtie occasionally, the kind of little boy that would rather have bad attention than no attention at all.

Going to school was a shock for him he didn't like bieng one of many children fighting for the attention of the teacher but working with the school his behaviour has noticably improved and his last report card was exellent a vast improvement.

thing is ill hold my hand up and say he's cheeky, he can be disruptive but i just don't understand it because he's not a violent little boy, infact quite to opposite he's the most loving caring little boy you'd ever hope to meet and i could barely belive what i was hearing.

There are a number of things i could expect from him, a number of things i'd expect to be dragged upto the school for but violence is just not one of them.. im just in shock, im in shock he'd hit another child never mind beat her so badly she needed to go to hospital.

Needless to say im distraught, this is not the sort of thing i would have EVER dreamed of having to deal with.

I've sat him down with the teachers and alone and spoken to him about what happened, it seems that some older boys where bullying him and unable to deal with them he snapped at the first person who spoke to him which apparently this little girl who was annoying him.

To be it seems like he just lost control, unable to deal with the bullys he lost his temper and snapped, which at least i can rationalise better than the thought that me son randomly beats other children for no reason.

Still as much as i can mentally cope with he reasoning and it gives me alittle peace knowing it was probabally i one off i don't want to make excuses for him. A little girl is badly hurt and my son was responsible.

All the usual punishments seem to pale, i REALLY need him to know that this is TOTALLY unexecptable behaviour... but im so angry i can't even seem to rationalise it, seriously i never dreamed id be in this position.

I've already spoken to the school about the other side of it, ie the bullys who triggered my son to do this, and they have said they will look into it. But still i feel i need to do something? should i write a letter to the little girls mum apologising for his behaviour, what about him?? he's 7!!!! what he's done is unthinkable how do i even begin to punish him for putting a girl into hospital???

Floss

Personally I don't think "punishment" is the right thing - he needs to learn that it is not how things are done, but by explanation rather than, for example, being banned from X-box for a month. However, maybe there could be a detriment of some kind such as cutting of some treat - not a total ban but restriction to make him realise that there has been a serious crossing of the acceptable behaviour boundary.

Perhaps you could talk to him, explain to him that what he did was wrong, and yes, maybe an apology would be good, from you and him. Does he have pocket money he could use to buy the girl something, or could he make something to give to her with an apology?

Also, does he have any physical outlet for his "temper" such as swimming, rugby, soccer, gym, drama or could that be brought in after a suitable time, to use up some of his energy in a positive way?

Before anyone says anything about my suggestion - that is what it is, and what I have done in the past with my kids. It seemed to work.

BTW, were there any witnesses to the incident? Did anyone else see the bullying / trigger points?

sneggy

hi leiela what an awful situation to be in if i were you i would buy the little girl a gift & possibly flowers for her mum & go around to the childs house and make my ds say sorry
dont know if thats possible but thats what i would
hope that helps sneggy

leiela

No no-one else saw the bullying it only came out in talking to him, and tbh it's the only rational explination i can think of.

When the teacher told me what happened before i got to see him i knew something must have happened to make him snap, because it's just not in his nature to be violent.

So when explained what happened, i wasn't suprised something else have gone on to push him that far. I really can't express how very out of charecter this is for him.

Tbh he didn't use the bullying as an excuse, he just sort of said that he was playing football and some of the big lads came over and started saying things to him, he got upset and was gonig to tell the teacher because he was mad and upset.

On the way over to the teacher the girl ran over and said he was rubbish at football, he just hit her.. We sort of gathered the rest, ie that he'd lost his temper because of the bullying.

I can't see he "made it up" to get himself off the hook, he's 7 and i don't think he could come up with a story like that, if he was to make up a reason it i would have thought it more likely that he would have said she did something to deserve it. Instead he just said that she didn't deserve being hit and that he was sorry..

We've sat down and had a big long talk about it, he knows it was wrong he didn't need telling, i've told him how disappointed i am and that i didn't ever expect to be called the to school because he hit someone.

Tbh he seems as upset about it as we are, he just keeps asking if the girl is ok, and can he go and say sorry to her. i don't think he's stopped crying since it happened.

bluebell13

Hi Leila, this is a difficult situation. Just to look at it from another point of view: if my daughter had been beaten by another child so that she needed to go to A and E I would be upset/devastated, and angry. The last thing i would want would be anything to do with the child or parent until I had been able to calm down. I really dont think that you should approach them yourself as you may make the situation a lot worse. Maybe speak to your sons teacher tomorrow and say that you would like for him to be able to apologise, and see if she can speak to the girl and her parents to see if they would welcome this. I am not judging you or your son, I just feel you need to be cautious.

Stephb1986_2

Hi Leila I dont know what sort of punishment would be suitable. I think that schools send children to hospital for nothing really just to make it sound worse than it actually is!

When I was younger and I will admit I was naughty I once hit a boy over the head with a plastic 12 inch ruler it wasn't hard or anything and he was teasing me (I know it was wrong) and it put a tiny tiny cut on the back of his head he was sent to hospital for that!!! Fair enough if I had hit him over the head with a chair or something but a bluddy ruler!

I'm sure the little girl will be fine, Maybe when she is back in school get your son to apologise to her?

Steph xx

peachyprice

Hi leiela,
What an awful day for you, I really do feel for you.

But just to a my 'bit' I agree with Bluebell, I wouldn't want you or your son anywhere near me or my daughter and would be expecting the school to remove your son from school, if they weren't prepared to do this I would be moving my daughter.

You may think this extreme, but your son's over-reaction was extreme in itself. I have 2 boys and have never ever, seen them, or any boys in any schools they have been to inflict violence on another child to such an extreme that they needed to go to hospital, and they have been to school with some real horrors.

Please don't think that I an judging you or your son, but I am writing this while watching my beautiful 7yo daughter play, I cannot even begin to imagine how absolutely terrified she would be if someone did this to her and it greatly upsets me to even think of something so awful happening to her at such a tender young age.

I think at this early stage her parents are going to be extremely angry, perhaps you would be better off writing to them rather than expecting them to see you both.

Have you considered taking your son to your GP, I know you say this is totally out of character, but this is something that should be stopped before it escalates, perhaps he could see a counsellor, not only to talk about why he reacted so violently, but also to talk about how he is going to deal with the feelings of guilt etc, he is going to be feeling in the near future, these are big feelings for a little chap to cope with.

skylight

Poor little mite. It sounds like he is worried and scared right now and needs a lot of love and hugs.

I agree with bluebell - if it had been one of my daughters I would be seething, so perhaps approach the teacher first about the apology. But stick with it over the bullies. Although it may have been your son who hit the girl, it was a direct consequence of the bullies actions. I would be concerned that the bullies are now going to step-up the game, so to speak, as they know that this could be a reaction that may repeat itself and they may find amusing (because goodness knows what makes a bully tick really).

And I second Peachy over perhaps seeing your GP as its so out of the blue. But carefully - you don't want your son thinking there is something wrong with him.

tiamai_d

I can relate! My own 7 year old has been at this point, although it was the bully he snapped at. I remember that feeling of being bullied and being totally helpless and the feeling of impotence! Wanting to fight back but you can't and you do take it out on others. I bullied a little girl and felt sickened with myself for it.

My little brother can tell you the one 'punishment' that he has never forgotten. He was made to write a letter of appology and stand up in class to read it out to the girl. Although in that case he was in the wrong, perhaps in your sons case, just the letter would be better. Along the lines of that he admits his actions were wrong, prevoked or not (I don't condone what he did but I do understand that she is not entirely innocent either) and he is very sorry and will do better to control his temper in future.

You do also have to stand up for your son and get the school to take bullying seriusly. Far too many don't and sadly this is the result.

mountainofdebt

Whilst I agree with Bluebell sentiments, did the girl go to hospital as a precautionary matter or did it involve something more serious?

I'm not denying that if I was the girl's mum I would be absolutely tamping BUT a degree of proportionality needs to be applied here.

I think in a few days time when tempers have calmed and everyone can think and speak rationally, perhaps a meeting between parents on neutral ground can be held.

I've just finished reading Nineteen Minutes which deals with a more extreme reaction to bullying.........

windswept

peachyprice wrote: »

Hi leiela,
What an awful day for you, I really do feel for you.

But just to a my 'bit' I agree with Bluebell, I wouldn't want you or your son anywhere near me or my daughter and would be expecting the school to remove your son from school, if they weren't prepared to do this I would be moving my daughter.

You may think this extreme, but your son's over-reaction was extreme in itself. I have 2 boys and have never ever, seen them, or any boys in any schools they have been to inflict violence on another child to such an extreme that they needed to go to hospital, and they have been to school with some real horrors.

Please don't think that I an judging you or your son, but I am writing this while watching my beautiful 7yo daughter play, I cannot even begin to imagine how absolutely terrified she would be if someone did this to her and it greatly upsets me to even think of something so awful happening to her at such a tender young age.

I think at this early stage her parents are going to be extremely angry, perhaps you would be better off writing to them rather than expecting them to see you both.

Have you considered taking your son to your GP, I know you say this is totally out of character, but this is something that should be stopped before it escalates, perhaps he could see a counsellor, not only to talk about why he reacted so violently, but also to talk about how he is going to deal with the feelings of guilt etc, he is going to be feeling in the near future, these are big feelings for a little chap to cope with.

I was a school dinner lady for 10 years and believe me, children can do some terrible things to each other given the chance - I've seen ( and stopped) boys trying to strangle each other with skipping ropes and pushing girls down flights of steps.
Every parent that says "my child would never do that" , is sadly misguided - children are, on the whole, horrible to each other when they think they are not being watched. Most parents have no idea and don't believe it when they are told just what their offspring are capable of.