What to do, when your child, who is your world, has failed you.

Steph998

RAS, thanks for taking the time to post. It never fails to amaze me that so many people on MSE really take the time and concern to try and help others.

There is a bit of a history with Dan....somewhere on here there is another thread in which I asked for advice regarding him moving away from home. For various reasons, living with his real father has never been an option. (They are complete strangers for a start.)

Thanks for your perceptive and helpful comments.
x

RAS

Steph

What I meant was that as a lad if he and dad did not have occasional problems it would be unusual. The fact that dad is step may not be particularly relevant.

Steph998

Sorry RAS, I misread your post.

>>he also has an unhappy relationship with his step-father. The chances are his relationship would be little better if he lived with his father.<<

homeaway

Teenagers think very differently about things to the way we did at their age,i suppose times have changed. One piece of advice that i can give you apart from getting all the support that you need for yourself (and him)is to try and keep the lines of communication open. If he knows that you are there for him then in time things might get better. When they are little we can protect them, take their hand to cross the road, but as they grow we have to let them go and they have to make their decisions. We cant change them or take the decisions for them nor do we agree with some of them ,but we can be there for them. Take care.

JoJoB

I think one of the main differences between the world of teenagers now and, say, 20 years ago is that drugs are more readily available. They are simply EVERYWHERE and also, in the case of coke particularly, much cheaper to get hold of. It used to be the case that you only got into drugs if you hung out with the "wrong" druggy crowd - but now drugs are ubiquitous.

I only started using relatively late in life, in my 30s - and even at that age very nearly ended up going from "habit" to addiction. At my dealers there were people from all walks of life, successful people - a producer of a major BBC documentary programme, lawyers, city people, people who ran their own businesses etc. Even now, as a non-user I can go to a dinner party and it won't be frowned upon for someone to produce a bit of spliff or coke after pudding! So teenagers will see people like this using, and not being the headcases portrayed in AskFrank adverts and tend to think that all the dangers are exaggerated.

Which is why there are such difficulties in communicating the very real dangers to kids these days. I don't know what the answer is. Experimenting carries risk so the only options are: a) Not to experiment or b) educate yourself as to how to minimise the risk to yourself. Not experimenting at all is possible, but unlikely for many foolhardy youths - especially when they see their peers having a great time and hearing of great reports of this fantastic new substance they've just tried. And when they realise their creative/musical/literary heroes were influenced by certain substances, when they hear great poetry was written under the influence etc etc.... even as a "sensible" 30 year old it made me wonder enough to follow the rabbit down the hole and pop those pills.

I think the OP is in an impossible position as to what to do here, except to support her son after he has been through a frightening experience. Maybe it would help to have an open conversation with him about what he got out of the drug experience and how he can hopefully work on feeling good while sober (eg if the drugs made him more confident, sociable etc, or if they simply provided him with "timeout" from a life he is finding difficult).

Above all, Steph, you should take your guilt and anger out of the situation. Youthful curiosity and silliness and downright selfishness strike all young people at some time, from all walks of life and all parenting techniques. I'd be dead worried if my daughter was experimenting with drugs too - like you say, your whole being wants to protect them from harm. Maybe I look at things a bit upside down - but if my DD told me she had tried magic mushrooms for example I would be pretty interested in her experience - wheareas if I caught her smoking she'd be in for a total angry lecture! Flirting with nicotine is seen as a typical teenager thing to do, but that sets up a lifetime addiction for many people and I would do my nut if she did this to herself.

Your son's drug use and associated behaviour is clearly not healthy - I do hope this has given him the required wake-up call and that he finds his way in life without causing you too much more worry and grief.

Steph998

Love this forum.

Thanks, JoJo.

Lara44

Hey Steph,

I read your other thread about your son moving out. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment.

I also agree with some of the posters views that his drug (mis)use could have a relationship (probably not a simple one) with other issues in his life. Perhaps including the tension with his step-Dad.

It would be a great idea to explore some counselling together, perhaps with you and his step-Dad to explore these issues further. I have also had great experiences with hypnotherapy in reducing stress, anxiety and building confidence. It would be great if you could take some time out and find out what's really going on with him, and see if you can start to address any underlying issues that may be impacting his feelings towards drugs. I also had every privilege in childhood and found it very hard to be at uni outside the family structure and trying to fit in. Perhaps don't underestimate the importance of the other issues that may get lost in the spectre of dealing with 'Drugs'.

All the best to you and your family. x

joeblack066

This is a fantastic organisation. Don't know where you are based but I'm sure they'd give you support wherever.
http://www.laurenslink.org.uk/

Savvy_Sue

RAS wrote: »

I stopped because I boycotted goods from oppressive regimes and could not square that with buying goods grown and transported for oppressive villains.

:T:T:T:T:T If only more people saw it that way ...

Steph998

Sorry to resurrect this....

D has had another palpitation episode, unrelated to drugs...as I have been watching him (carefully, but not obsessively) 24/7 since he moved back home. He came though this evening about half an hour ago, said his heart felt like it was about to explode out of his chest, and it also felt like there was a bird trapped behind his ribcage, fluttering, and he felt faint. He is fine now.

Does anyone know if this could be related to his recent speed use, albeit weeks ago, and should I be getting him to Casualty.

Thanks