What to do, when your child, who is your world, has failed you.

Kimitatsu

Steph998 wrote: »

I am also worldly enough to realise that at his age he is bound to try things out. I expected that...but it's not the experimentation that worries me. It goes without saying, that it's where it could lead to....when the kick he gets from whatever he is doing is not enough anymore. D has always been an easily led kid - a follower rather than a leader - but he also seems to have no fear in certain areas (don't all teenagers? Something to do with a not fully developed frontal lobe or something) coupled with an arrogance that 'it won't happen to him'. Typical 18 year old I suppose - and one who has been fighting against parental discipline since he realised he had choices.

I am also concerned with proven reports that long term cannabis use can cause all sorts of mental health problems in later life. Not to mention the memory of Leah Betts...and others, who's parents had to resort to take pictures of their dying child in order to try to stop one other teenager from taking an ecstacy tablet.

I realise that the situation we are in could be a lot worse, and perhaps I am protesting too much at something that may well have been a passing phase, or continued onto something along the lines of what you describe above ....but I'm afraid I am rather old fashioned, and to me drugs just mean...well, trouble. Doomsday scenario...today cannabis and speed, tomorrow heroin.

Steph

As a parent our emotions are always at the forefront of everything we do, I followed the last thread and this one, and I cant say that I would feel any different to you - and I see the effects of drug misuse on a daily basis. Everyone reacts to drugs differently, and you know your child best.

Laughing_man I can see your point of view but just because you react that way does not mean that everyone is the same. I see people who have stuck to cannabis but I also see people who have gone chasing the next big high and are now crack addicts. I also see people who really do think that its normal to spend £100 a week on cannabis :eek: so it does affect everyone differently. Prolonged cannabis use can and does have an effect on mental health, as does most other drug use.

Erata - in my experience the classification of drug has never made a huge difference. Users seemed to think that because it was declassified to a class C they could carry larger amounts with impunity, the police just then arrested them on possession with intent to supply charges which carries in most cases a tougher penalty than possession. I think for Steph to take on the responsibility of having to shop her son and associates to the police at this stage woulf fracture an already fragile relationship (and being honest Steph, I dont think that you need the extra grief right now. Its about taking one step at a time for all of you).

JoJoB

I really think experimenting with drugs is part of youthful curiosity these days rather than blind stupidity, but it is worrying as a parent and I know I will be concerned when my own child reaches the age where these things become an issue. I hope to be very open in educating her about the dangers but also feel it is counter-productive to demonise "all" drugs or drug experiences - simply because if she does try something and has a great time or gets something positive about it the tendency is to then think anyone talking about the dangers is some square old fuddy-duddy who doesn't know what they are talking about and all their advice can therefore be safely ignored.

It is safe to say that all drugs have their dangers, but some are more troubling than others IMO. Apart from the obvious horrors of heroin and crack the one drug I would be most concerned re my childs safety is alcohol. Drunkeness can lead to so many hideous situations and, much more so than cannabis, is the true "gateway" drug. Many people will try drugs for the first time when under the influence of alcohol because their normal judgement or inhibitions are affected - so they make decisions they wouldn't normally.

I personally found psychedelics to be very enriching in terms of my own development (when used sparingly) but again these can trigger psychotic episodes in those who are vulnerable mentally, so what is positive for one person is utter hell for another. Cannabis, again, can be used as a creative tool when used sparingly - but what use is it when you are stoned out of your mind all day, 365 days a year and using it as an escape from life? Just like a couple of glasses of red wine can be a social enabler, but much more than that and you might become a violent wifebeater if that's the way it affects you.

I really hate all opiate and speed based drugs - these would be the ones I would really warn my daughter against, and go through all the reasons why with her rather than just give vague "drugs are bad" advice that a young person simply won't respect. But young people do want to find out for themselves and the best we can do is arm them with plenty of information and advice and hope they make the "right" decision.

Steph998

Laughing_man wrote: »

In my view, overall happiness has a much greater impact on life's outcomes than the consumption of a few ounces of cannabis or grammes of amphetimine. By obsessing over the details of his behaviour I think you may be missing your last opportunity to address the larger problems in your family life, and to provide him with the effective support that will help him achieve the outcomes you would prefer.

Thanks for your post. I found it informative.

I can't say I agree with your statement that 'drugs are ok'.....but I guess that has a lot to do with my age, and the fact that it is very difficult to suddenly forget something that has been drummed in for most of your own formative years, (and by even more anal parents than I am!!) Lol. You obviously know what you are talking about....I wish you were here to have a word in my son's ear. That's what he needs. A role model who has been through it, and come out the other side. Someone down to earth to talk to instead of the two neurotic parents who once found a tic tac in his school blazer pocket and immediately thought the worse. :rolleyes:

Having said that.....I must add I will never, ever be unconcerned knowing my son is taking drugs. It just goes against my instincts....I don't know, maternal ones probably, where you want to protect your child from ANY potential harm. But I do see perhaps that D's experimentation is probably not the biggest issue in his life for him, even if it is for me, and I will try to understand that.

I also am angry I suppose, that after the year we had with him last year - that he couldn't just knuckle down to uni, intead of raising his head over the parapet again so soon. ...cause us all this angst etc, when we have simply tried the best to help him, and been fairly decent parents. But there I go again. All about me.

Thanks. I'm taking on board everything on this thread.

Errata

Like many other things in life, drug use seems to polarise opinion. Those who indulged and still indulge can share their opinion that it's not harmful. Those who died from drug use don't have that luxury.

Steph998

Thanks.

(Edit: Im sure there was another post on here before Errata's? We must have posted at the same time)

Anyway...I'm also sitting here thinking, I hope I didn't come across the wrong way either in my last post (oh this is so difficult...) I mean, the state I saw D in, his voice on the phone when he had been up at the hospital because he thought his heart was going to explode...his scared face, the fact that he is so sullen and unresponsive (apart from the subject of just being allowed to go back to his flat) ...all of these things are just in the forefront of my mind like a big red flashing light saying 'DANGER'.....so how can I ever just sit back and shrug and think...normal teenage stuff...?

shirlgirl2004

Just wanted to send you ((((HUGS)))) . I have sons the same ages as yours and I'd be heartbroken if I found out they smoked cannibis let alone anything else. I really hope he comes to his senses soon.

Steph998

Shirl...thanks.

'Heartbroken'. That about sums it up.

myaccount08

Laughing_man wrote: »

its really no different from teaching your child to drink sensibly and safely.

Except that drugs are illegal :rolleyes:

Lmao drug users really will come out with any excuses that the behaviour is acceptable in society.

A small dose of one drug may cause no negative side effects to one person, but another may be severely affected. Do you know how many people with previously undiagnosed heart conditions have died because of casual drug use? :rolleyes: Even with weed, some people are more susceptible to negative psychological side effects. Of a group of 8-10 people my brother went to school with - all smoked weed and some took mushrooms and other such things you suggest (:eek: ), 2 ended up in hospital receiving long term psychiatric treatment and many of the others are total dead beats. These were smart kids from good families that had bright futures ahead of them, totally ruined by so called casual drug use.

Drugs may not be the sole problem in this lads life, but it will certainly make the whole situation worse. If you have any psychosocial issues then you need clarity and perspective to overcome then, not wasting your time and money on illegal activities that affect your cognition.

To advocate any kind of recreational drug use (especially to a vulnerable 18 year old!!) is incredibily irresponsible, especially when you do not know that persons health status :mad: If OPs son is already shy and withdrawn then weed will have a negative effect on him and his ability to think clearly and succeed with the opportunities a young person has. OP has every right to worry about her sons behaviour and condoning it for the sake of a peaceful relationship will only damage his future. When you are a parent your goal is not to be your childs best friend, it's keeping their best interests at heart and helping them stay on the right track when their own perceptions are lacking. Of course he can do whatever he chooses, but as a mother you want the best for your child and accepting (and even supporting :eek: ) such poor choices is a hard thing to swallow and quite frankly poor parenting.

Steph998

MyAccount...I really thought that was a great post.

RAS

Hi

read this and very uncertain about posting but....

I think you need to separate out the multitude of issues here.

A young adult is taking recreational drugs like most of his peers and has freaked himself out. If this is affecting his University work etc, he needs to seek help. It will probably be best if he does this for himself and if he gets a referral from the GP, then it is probably best to let him sort himself out.

With any luck the fright he had will deter him from speed for a while or make him more circumspect.

he also has an unhappy relationship with his step-father. The chances are his relationship would be little better if he lived with his father.

He has led a very cosseted life which may not have allowed him to learn sensible risk taking (and while we are on that anyone see Leo Houlding on Everest this week). So he is on a steep learning curve. He will fall off sometimes. If his parents can be there for him, then he may well learn to take better risks more quickly.

He has been the focus of undivided adult attention and expectations much of his life and even if his mother does not express her dissappointment, he feels guilty about making mistakes.

As one previous poster said, the reason she grew up was that her parents did not know what was happening so she was allowed to mature naturally.

I used some drugs as a young person, and I reel with horror when I think of one particular car journey when none of us was even fit to find the route home, all of three miles away.

I stopped because I boycotted goods from oppressive regimes and could not square that with buying goods grown and transported for oppressive villains.

Steph has obviously put a lot into raising her son, and his turn up recently shows that he values this relationship. However she now needs to let him go and let him make his own mistakes.

He is not responsible for her aspirations or her feelings about his situation. Similarly Steph is not responsible for his actions. I know this is hard for parents, but she has no right to worry about what he is doing. He will come good a lot faster if she backs off unless he comes to her. And he might just decide that girlfriend is no use either.

There are three readily available over the counter drugs that do my head in - one causes psychosis - and they are used regularly by millions in this country.

But this OP is not helped by discussion about the relative legal or illegal status of the drugs her son is using. That just causes confusion. As long as he avoids getting caught up in supplying, he is more likely to get his hand slapped if he is found out.