What to do, when your child, who is your world, has failed you.

Steph998

Well, that is certainly another angle ...thank you for your input.

I do know that some drug use can be relatively harmless...(I was a teenager once....smoked all sorts of things...but was basically too much of a scaredy cat to try anything else. However...I could never kick the nicotine..a habit that unfortunately stays with me to this day.)

I am also worldly enough to realise that at his age he is bound to try things out. I expected that...but it's not the experimentation that worries me. It goes without saying, that it's where it could lead to....when the kick he gets from whatever he is doing is not enough anymore. D has always been an easily led kid - a follower rather than a leader - but he also seems to have no fear in certain areas (don't all teenagers? Something to do with a not fully developed frontal lobe or something) coupled with an arrogance that 'it won't happen to him'. Typical 18 year old I suppose - and one who has been fighting against parental discipline since he realised he had choices.

I am also concerned with proven reports that long term cannabis use can cause all sorts of mental health problems in later life. Not to mention the memory of Leah Betts...and others, who's parents had to resort to take pictures of their dying child in order to try to stop one other teenager from taking an ecstacy tablet.

I realise that the situation we are in could be a lot worse, and perhaps I am protesting too much at something that may well have been a passing phase, or continued onto something along the lines of what you describe above ....but I'm afraid I am rather old fashioned, and to me drugs just mean...well, trouble. Doomsday scenario...today cannabis and speed, tomorrow heroin.

I'm really not about to beat D with a big stick, or tell him he must never do drugs again. I can shout 'drugs might kill you' till I am blue in the face, and I can alienate him by telling him who not to be friends with....but I won't though. I think I might try much harder to talk to him about this and really listen instead of just waiting for him to shut up so I can have my say again. I believe he is probably more vulnerable than I ever thought (his step father basically kicked him out when he was 17) and his emotions are all over the place..this GF is emotionally blackmailing him, he is on a really tough Uni course, and feels he has got something to prove to his stepfather. Never mind the real father who walked away without a backward glance.

Perhaps also, I need to get my own emotions under control before I start worrying about trying to sort out his.

Errata

Steph, you're right to be concerned. Your son had a problem with alcohol when he was still at school, and now he has a problem with drugs.
You'll know he's clean when the Drugs Team saythe blood tests show he is, if he continues to agree to be treated by them. Until then, it would be wise to take nothing for granted.
Anyone who has worked around people who take drugs will agree that some youngsters, like you did, can smoke a bit and not go on to anything harder but they will also tell you they have never come across a hard drug addict who didn't start off their drug career with smoking the odd joint. Smoking pot can cause serious psychosis and schizophrenia for some people. Nobody can predict who this will happen to, but you can bet every joint smoker believes it won't happen to them.
These are the tough questions - Have you shopped his dealer yet? Or his supplier? Is your OH willing to knowingly allow his property to be used for the consumption of Class B drugs? Is he happy for it to be raided by police looking for drugs?

MrsE_2

Steph998 wrote: »

Some will remember my previous posts on my 'difficult teenager'.

I have so much guilt, for allowing my husband (his stepfather) to kick him out into his own flat....if he was at home, would he have had so much freedom to 'indulge' himself ? If we had been around 24/7, would he have been able to get into so much trouble? Either way..where did he get the money...?

If he had been living at home, he still would have found the freedom to try & take drugs if he wanted, loads of kids do.
Money, well they do without other things, they find it.

The local council will be able to put you in touch with their substance misuse team & do get help & advice for yourself too.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Its every parents nightmare, & the scariest part is how common it is:(

gibboelli

This isnt gonna be popular, but it sort of sounds like, just from reading this, that it's become more about you than your son. Yes, doing drugs was probably the stupidest thing someone can do but that doesnt mean he deserves you to be 'disappointed' in him. Half of his 'issues' sound like him being a typical teenager!
Has everything become about the drugs? Do you just sit down and talk about anything, not having the drug issue come up? If your son doesnt want to be helped then nothing you can do will help him.
As for the GF, leave it be, keep your opinions to yourself and let your son work out what he wants. I unfortunately know from experience that your MIL's view of you can be farrrrrrrr from the truth and you do not know the ins and outs of their relationship. Just because she seems to be a bad influence doesnt mean she is and you are making it worse with your son shunning his girlfriend. Respect his relationship no matter how much you dislike her!

Soubrette

Steph, what a terrible situation for everyone. I always think that anyone who is involved with a drug taker should go to narc-anon as in our well meaning but naivete we sometimes make the problems we are trying to solve worse.

Remember that he seeks out the types of friends he hangs out with so although he might be easily led - he is being led in a direction of his own choosing.

I had a few friends who were habitual marijuana users and I'm sorry to say that none of them had a life style that I personally would aspire to (life to them was about rushing home to get high), I would change moderate use to occasional use in my scenario for a healthy attitude but that's more of a ramble than helpful advice.

Also it is hard to take a hard line moral approach when you smoke (tobacco) - most scientists agree that smoking is worse for you than the drugs you've mentioned your son is involved in - could you make a pact with him about him giving up and you giving up?

Hope I don't sound harsh as none of it is meant to be and very good luck to you all.

Sou

Steph998

Errata wrote: »

These are the tough questions - Have you shopped his dealer yet? Or his supplier? Is your OH willing to knowingly allow his property to be used for the consumption of Class B drugs? Is he happy for it to be raided by police looking for drugs?

Oh God.

Steph998

gibboelli wrote: »

This isnt gonna be popular, but it sort of sounds like, just from reading this, that it's become more about you than your son. Yes, doing drugs was probably the stupidest thing someone can do but that doesnt mean he deserves you to be 'disappointed' in him. Half of his 'issues' sound like him being a typical teenager!
Has everything become about the drugs? Do you just sit down and talk about anything, not having the drug issue come up? If your son doesnt want to be helped then nothing you can do will help him.

Well..I guess it is all about me at the moment. I don't have the time or the energy to go over it all again....but for various reasons, yes, this forum is actually my ME time. Where I can get it all out. Think out loud. Stay sane. Get REAL help from people who really understand. Obviously it is not 'all about me' in the real world. I guess I am as selfish as the next person...but at the end of the day, I just want what is best for my boy and I am going to move hell and earth to try to be a loving and supportive parent for the rest of his life.

gibboelli wrote: »

As for the GF, leave it be, keep your opinions to yourself and let your son work out what he wants. I unfortunately know from experience that your MIL's view of you can be farrrrrrrr from the truth and you do not know the ins and outs of their relationship. Just because she seems to be a bad influence doesnt mean she is and you are making it worse with your son shunning his girlfriend. Respect his relationship no matter how much you dislike her!

And just because you have had a bad experience with your MIL...don't tar us all with the same brush. I am not her MIL ...and hopefully never will be.... but I am fair woman, I welcomed her with a big smile and open arms to this family and she has basically shat on us all from a great height. You don't know the ins and outs....obviously, so please don't make me out to be the problem.

Steph998

MrsE wrote: »

If he had been living at home, he still would have found the freedom to try & take drugs if he wanted, loads of kids do.
Money, well they do without other things, they find it.

The local council will be able to put you in touch with their substance misuse team & do get help & advice for yourself too.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Its every parents nightmare, & the scariest part is how common it is:(

Oh isn't it MrsE...when are we ever free of fear for them? It was bad enough when they were jumping out of trees and off school buses, now its knives and drugs..

On a lighter note.....I suppose I will be worrying about his care home when I am 90 odd and he is 70!! :eek:

Laughing_man

Steph998 wrote: »

Well, that is certainly another angle ...thank you for your input.

I do know that some drug use can be relatively harmless...(I was a teenager once....smoked all sorts of things...but was basically too much of a scaredy cat to try anything else. However...I could never kick the nicotine..a habit that unfortunately stays with me to this day.)

I am also worldly enough to realise that at his age he is bound to try things out. I expected that...but it's not the experimentation that worries me. It goes without saying, that it's where it could lead to....when the kick he gets from whatever he is doing is not enough anymore. D has always been an easily led kid - a follower rather than a leader - but he also seems to have no fear in certain areas (don't all teenagers? Something to do with a not fully developed frontal lobe or something) coupled with an arrogance that 'it won't happen to him'. Typical 18 year old I suppose - and one who has been fighting against parental discipline since he realised he had choices.

I am also concerned with proven reports that long term cannabis use can cause all sorts of mental health problems in later life. Not to mention the memory of Leah Betts...and others, who's parents had to resort to take pictures of their dying child in order to try to stop one other teenager from taking an ecstacy tablet.

I realise that the situation we are in could be a lot worse, and perhaps I am protesting too much at something that may well have been a passing phase, or continued onto something along the lines of what you describe above ....but I'm afraid I am rather old fashioned, and to me drugs just mean...well, trouble. Doomsday scenario...today cannabis and speed, tomorrow heroin.

Overall it is probably better to conform to the social norm of only using alcohol and caffein and not be controversial in your social life generally. However much of the percieved risk of soft drug use, is just that, percieved. Life is full of risks, horse riding and car driving are at least as risky to ones health as ectstacy use, but we tolerate those risks because the activities themselves are deemed socially acceptable. In the case of your son he is aware of the risks but tolerates them because the activity offers justifiable (to him) reward.

Thats just the way it is. I know that I haven't just persuaded you that drugs are o.k, but hopefully you can see that no matter how may times you re-state the riskiness of his behaviour he will not be persauded that he's signifcantly likely to end up dead, in the nuthouse or on the streets. Be pragmatic, therefore, and counsel moderate use and a healthier approach.

Errata wrote: »

Steph, you're right to be concerned. Your son had a problem with alcohol when he was still at school, and now he has a problem with drugs.
You'll know he's clean when the Drugs Team saythe blood tests show he is, if he continues to agree to be treated by them. Until then, it would be wise to take nothing for granted.
Anyone who has worked around people who take drugs will agree that some youngsters, like you did, can smoke a bit and not go on to anything harder but they will also tell you they have never come across a hard drug addict who didn't start off their drug career with smoking the odd joint. Smoking pot can cause serious psychosis and schizophrenia for some people. Nobody can predict who this will happen to, but you can bet every joint smoker believes it won't happen to them.
These are the tough questions - Have you shopped his dealer yet? Or his supplier? Is your OH willing to knowingly allow his property to be used for the consumption of Class B drugs? Is he happy for it to be raided by police looking for drugs?

This is exactly wrong, although the poster only has the best intentions. Getting hysterical about heroine addiction, schizophrenia and criminal penalties just won't work for the reasons I mentioned above.

Staging dramatic interventions in his life, calling the police to search the house and ordering blood tests for him to pass would be incredibly draconian, and totally inneffective.

I'm really not about to beat D with a big stick, or tell him he must never do drugs again. I can shout 'drugs might kill you' till I am blue in the face, and I can alienate him by telling him who not to be friends with....but I won't though. I think I might try much harder to talk to him about this and really listen instead of just waiting for him to shut up so I can have my say again. I believe he is probably more vulnerable than I ever thought (his step father basically kicked him out when he was 17) and his emotions are all over the place..this GF is emotionally blackmailing him, he is on a really tough Uni course, and feels he has got something to prove to his stepfather. Never mind the real father who walked away without a backward glance.

Perhaps also, I need to get my own emotions under control before I start worrying about trying to sort out his.

Fortunately it sounds like your not about to go over the top. However, there are a whole bunch issues here that go way beyond casual drug use. It doesn't sound like he has a 'drug' problem at all, but that his drug use is symptomatic of something far more pernicous but a forum is not the place to go into that. If you deal with the other problems in your family, maybe through counselling that is about those other issues and not his drug use, and he may well moderate his own behaviour.

This situation reminds of several of my unhappy uni friends; all of whom ended up dropping out of thier courses. The rest of us managed to get high and have fun for three years and graduate with 2:1's, upon leaving those who didn't socialise in a similar group at home plugged back into the social norm, got jobs and started to become truly middle-class.

In my view, overall happiness has a much greater impact on life's outcomes than the consumption of a few ounces of cannabis or grammes of amphetimine. By obsessing over the details of his behaviour I think you may be missing your last opportunity to address the larger problems in your family life, and to provide him with the effective support that will help him achieve the outcomes you would prefer.

kaya

Ignore the talk to frank website, its a load of propoganda orientated rubbish put up by a governbent who choose to completely Ignore the advice given by there own scientists, the cannabis and psychosis link is at best circumstantial and has been proved so, in fact they are now claiming it has "anti-psychotic" properties, i do sympathise with how you must be feeling but experimentation is a part of grownig up, i spent many years having a good time and experimenting and am addicted to nothing, neither is my brother, please talk to him as an adult, express your concerns honestly and openly, alcohol and tobacco are far more dangerous and addictive than most drugs he will ever come in contact with, heroin, meth and crack are the ones that should concern you but if your not honest with him you'll never know, i hope you resolve your situation to the best possible end