What to do, when your child, who is your world, has failed you.

Steph998

Errata....Motivated....you are both so lovely. Thank you for remembering my previous posts about Dan - there are so many posts on here, I feel quite humbled that complete strangers care enough to keep an eye out and remember the history. In fact, I don't feel like you are strangers at all, I have never been able to talk so openly, and have never (in real life) received such brilliant support and advice. All of you here, are lovely people.

Yes. The GF is a real problem. They have been on, off, on off ....for ages now, and she is a nasty little thing that threatens all sorts of actions if they don't get back together. D is no angel either, and I know his faults...but he really is so easily led, and she is definitely the stronger one of the two. A month ago, after she threw his (90 quid!!) hiking boots in the outside bin after an argument, I had a go at her and she was like a little shrew. I have tried to like her, but after this told D I wanted no more to do with her. She is not allowed to visit the house while he is here. At the moment this is not a problem as he is very quiet and withdrawn, and is lying around watching Sky. (nothing changes huh)

Rikki

Just found this thread and wanted to send you a (((big hug))).

I remember all you went through last time and I really though you had both turned a corner. You have a sensible head on your shoulders and you are taking the right steps. Your son seems vulnerable rather than deliberately trying to upset you and wreck his life. Be there for him and help him work through this difficult time in his life.

the_other_mce

Hello again, glad to see things are gradually moving forward for you both.. just a word of caution really about the girlfriend. As D is old enough (but maybe not wise enough!) to make his own decisions I would be very careful about banning his GF from your lives. That has to be HIS decision. I understand how you feel and it is possible she is a negative influence BUT maybe she isn't..., it's very difficult to tell who leads who astray....
He doesn't need his parents telling him who he can see - if he cares for her and vice versa they could help each other. I speak from experience (me and my o/h were once banned from going to each others houses, seeing each other etc - long story - no drugs!!! we were much younger than D, but both sets of parents decided to put a stop to our relationship). It had the opposite effect and caused friction between our families for several years. It made us feel we were on our own against the world. We are still together nearly 30 years later ... maybe D and his girlfriend could be too.... Try to build bridges - not put up barriers, concentrate on the things that are important to you (eg your son, his life and well being and yours as well), the rest can wait.....
I'm no expert but I am thinking of you... take care..

Horasio

Whatever - do not blame yourself!

Every parent does their best. The same set of parents could have say four children. Three of them are fine but one goes off the rails.

He has issues and HE needs to sort them, and seek help when he is ready. You can do what you can but teenage males are sooo stubborn and closed.

Try and find out why and how he came across drugs. People tend to take drugs to see what it is like initially or to escape their inner demons.

seven-day-weekend

If he is living at home with you then the girlfriend won't have so much opportunity to get stuff to him.

I do feel for you (and him of course), it's true, you never stop being a parent, however old they are, I can remember my mum in her 90s worrying about my eldest sister, who was in her 70s and had Alzheimers.

I worry about my son, although he will be 30 next birthday and has never smoked or taken drugs and doesn't even drink much. He has other problems caused by Aspergers Syndrome which most young men of his age don't have and my husband and I both worry about his future.

You never ever stop being a parent.

Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Steph998

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If he is living at home with you then the girlfriend won't have so much opportunity to get stuff to him.

I do feel for you (and him of course), it's true, you never stop being a parent, however old they are, I can remember my mum in her 90s worrying about my eldest sister, who was in her 70s and had Alzheimers.

I worry about my son, although he will be 30 next birthday and has never smoked or taken drugs and doesn't even drink much. He has other problems caused by Aspergers Syndrome which most young men of his age don't have and my husband and I both worry about his future.

You never ever stop being a parent.

Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you. That means a lot to me. :A

Steph998

Well, he is much brighter today....so much so he is asking to move 'home' to his flat this weekend. I don't want to be his jailer, but I have explained to him I don't think it is a great idea for the moment. I doubt he will listen to me for long, he's been on his own for six month now. He's missed almost a week of uni. When he first came home he was seriously 'down' and his usual arrogance has completely gone - that worried me more than anything! He has not eaten properly for ages, and has no appetite no matter what I try to offer him. I really just wanted him home so I could keep an eye on him and sleep myself.)

Sigh.

I've googled 'speed' ...and spent a while trying to understand a bit more about what we are up against. I don't expect to get any information out of D about any treatment as such - he has another follow up appointment soon - and because of his age, I won't be kept in the information loop from the professionals like I would have been had he been younger. However, I gather what he has been taking is not so bad in the sphere of things...I know it could have been a lot worse. I am also encouraged by the fact that D got such a terrible fright with the heart thing - I think that, more than anything will have put him off trying anything else.

I am trying to think of something I can sort out for the weekend to keep him here!! LOL. There's no footie on, and OH is about as enthusiastic as a wet weekend when it comes to D.

Or maybe I should just let him go?

Errata

Moving back to the flat will only mean he's back in the same set up as he was when he was drugging. If he doesn't want to stay with you , and that's understandable if he's aware of a lack of enthusiasm from your OH, can he move into halls? Or could you stay with him in the flat for a couple of weeks to help him to stabilise, stay out of bad company, get to lectures. Or could he look for a room in a shared house?
Temptation to smoke pot if he's on his own again will be quite difficult to deny, especially if he thinks it's ok because everyone does it. His judgment will be impaired and it will be easy for him to think he can control his pill popping at a safe level.
I guess everything depends on how much time and effort all of you want to put into getting this problem resolved and finished with.

Pee

I do feel for you.

If your OH and D don't get on, trying to keep them in the house together for too long might cause more harm to their relationship. It gives rise to all those possibilities of arguments, such as music too loud or which TV channel to watch that everyone could really probably do without, but hopefully he will stay the weekend.

I don't know why his gf was so disrespectful to you, she ought to know that she needs to keep in with you as much as possible, but the difficulty is that you also need to keep in with her. I hope it is not the case, but one day she and D might have children and if you push her away, you will be pushing him and them away.

It has to be his decision to stop taking drugs, to work hard at Uni, to be without her. I don't doubt that you know what is best for him, but he needs to learn from his own mistakes.

It sounds like his drug use was quite limited, and it may well have been a common, harmless side effect that scared him, and if that is the case, that is the best news that I have heard all week!!!

A shared house might be a good idea, but a lot of students do smoke. (You eat it in cakes and jellies. It's a different effect, it comes on more all at once.)

I do hope that things work out for you and him. Thinking about you.

Laughing_man

Steph998 wrote: »

We've had a terrible few days since I posted. My son has had some sort of serious breakdown, and is now back at home and we are seeking professional medical help.

To the last poster....perhaps I have also failed him.

However, in my opinion, he has failed (so far) to become the adult I hoped he would be. I am not sorry that offends you - it is how I feel. I would never tell him that. All I ever do is give him unconditional love and support, and will continue to do so.

It's not my life - I understand that. It is his. He has not failed in his own life - how can he....at 18, he has not lived it yet.

But my disappointment in him, given the chances he has had in life, is huge. He has made bad choice after bad choice. He has never learned from his mistakes.

To my mind this is failure. However, the only way now is up, and I intend to be underneath, supporting him every step of the way. And if he fails again, I will be there again.

I know it must be hard to know your son is using drugs and it doesn't sound like things are going well for him at the moment. If he has had an episode of amphetimine pyschosis- if thats what it is- it doesn't need to be the end of the world.

For starters, using drugs is not necessarily a key indicator of 'failure' at life. I consider myself happy enough and have recreationally used soft drugs for some years without going crazy or living on the streets, and have managed to obtain a good education and earn a comfortable living whilst doing so. So have many of my friends and thier parents.

The key is sensible, moderate, use. Losing two days sleep in a week to getting high is no good and leads to breakdowns, however doing so once a month- and using a moderate dose when you do- is basically fine, taking mushrooms occasionally is a good alternative if you want to stay in and they don't effect your sleep or even leave you with a hangover. Clubbing loses its appeal after a while anyway. Smoking pot in the evenings is no worse than a couple of beers at the pub, but smoking it all day long means you get nothing done and so on.

Getting in your sons face and telling him stop seeing his friends and above all never to touch an illicit substance again because if he does it means he's a complete failure is probably not going to work. I think you could both benefit enourmously by teaching him to use recreational drugs moderately.

This means dosing properly, using half a standard dose for the first time out, especially with hallucinegens and never exceeding twice standard dose. Restricting use to cannabis OR alcohol on weekdays. Cycling weekend activity so your not clubbing every week- stay in and have mushrooms sometimes (it's hilarious) or a smoke- and avoiding using speed as much as possible when you do go out, all it does is keep you up and mess with your appetite- you can actuallly get your head down and eat a roast if you only take a couple of pills. That way you can avoid developing tolerance and get the same effects for less money. Follow this plan for recreational drug use and he will have:

a.) A productive and healthy life- all other things being equal.

b.) Alot of fun.

Basically bring everything out into the open, where it can be supervised and controlled and advise on the proper way to use drugs recreationally. I know my view won't be popular with the more conservative members of this board, but its really no different from teaching your child to drink sensibly and safely.

If you try and enforce a hardline ban and drastic lifestyle change on him, it will not work, telling him that he is a failure and a dissapointment to you because of his drug use will only create deeper divisions.

If he feels like he has nothing to hide from you and adopts a healthier moderate approach to his recreational drug use you may find he has more interest and energy for other things that you think are important, like (I presume) getting a degree and a career of some sort.