What to do, when your child, who is your world, has failed you.

Steph998

Thank you so much - and to ALL on this site, for all comments. I know how long it takes....and the effort it takes, to sit and type replies....and they are all appreciated.

For Lunar....There are quite a lot of reasons why I feel Dan has failed us. He has made quite a few mistakes over the last few years...when all he has ever had is family who adore him and want the best for him. He has had, what he agrees, has been a privileged life so far....he has wanted for nothing, been spoiled with love, and still has thrown it back in our faces like it is a right that (as your parents beloved child,) you can just keep taking the mickey... while those parents just keep standing there, taking the punches and bouncing back for more.

I'm talking car theft, drunk driving....all sorts of things. At what point do you NOT tell your child that although you love them unconditionally, they are a disappointment to you? Surely, we can't condone this behaviour?

If I sound angry, I bloody well am. We did it all by the book. We sat him down, talked to him about all the important issues and told him if he ever needed advice, we would be there. I am not niaeve - or stupid - enough to think that my son considers me his best friend - the one he would chose to come to. But, it's like the child that burns their finger putting it under the hot tap - then does it again, just to see how it feels, to rebel or shock, or to enjoy the risk....or just to show that they can do what they want without having to be told what to do. At what point do you stop picking up the pieces - bandaging the burned finger - and not tell them how stupid they are being? What they don't want to hear anyway?

He is studying chemical engineering at university, and is a very gifted lad academically, and in many other ways. I don't doubt he is fully aware of how we feel. However, he does not have one shred of common sense and is very easily led. This is not a critisism - but a sad observation. Tonight, I was wiping away his snot, listening to him sobbing, telling me how the guilt is the worst part of it all. What have I DONE to my boy? To my precious son, the one who I love beyond the best chosen words.....my reason for my drawing breath in the morning? I don't want him feeling guilt.....the hell of all emotions. I just want him to feel remorse, to 'repent' of his actions (for want of a better word) and to actually SEE what he is doing.....not to us, to himself.

Edit: Motivated....thanks. OH took one look at Dan...and from the look on HIS face...all was forgotten...or at least, shelved for the moment. Dan could not have stayed in the flat on his own in the state he was in, and this house will will always be his home. That was one of the worst things about him moving out. With my husband feeling the way he did about his step son - I think Dan felt like he actually had no 'home' anymore. Kicked out at 17. Perhaps this insecurity has more than contributed to current events...and I think my husband can now see that too.

Perhaps...out of bad things, good things can come.

doelani

Steph998 wrote: »

,. What have I DONE to my boy?

Hi Steph

You have not done anything wrong. No matter what a parent does a child can still " go off the rails" . Even if he had lived at home with you watching it could still have happened.

I have a son.......he is 22 and I no longer have contact , from he was 15 to our contact stopped we had alcoholism, drugs, theft, stealing cars, beating women , wrecking his home with his girlfriend and children in it , robbery and worse. I had my beloved first born threaten to kill me, threaten to burn my house down.

Believe me for many years I blamed myself to the point I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital for 6 months. I had all the " if I had done things differently he would not be like this" We bailed him out, we were here for him , we told him we loved him and helped him again and again.

Never once did I think he failed us, he failed himself. He disappointed me yes, when others in my family told me he would keep dissapointing me I kept saying he would change, I would help him change. In the end it had to be left to professionals.

I have 2 other children , they have never brought me any trouble, they work hard, live at home, never come home drunk, I am so proud of them , I used to be proud of my eldest son too. I was proud every time he said he could change.

Your son needs help that unfortunely you cannot provide, take all the help you can get for yourself ( and your family ) and him. let him know you I have learnt no matter what you do for your child you cannot make them the person you want them to be. Do not be so hard on yourself, be strong.

myaccount08

I really feel for you OP. I've seen this from both sides, from my mothers as her support and from my brothers whilst i watched him make the same poor choices your son has. We too come from a 'good' well educated and hardworking family, were raised very well and lived in an affluent suburb. I think kids from such homes are just as likely to indulge in drugs, the only difference is that it hits you as a parent so much more. But it is the person themselves that takes drugs, only they are responsible for their actions as there is little in the home environment that is strong enough to overide ones innate personality. This is not a "failing" on anyones behalf. It is just difficult for you to accept that yourchild is not behaving inline with your own beliefs and values. The friendships that teens have outside the home are also much more influential at that time in their lives, again there is little you can do about that. You are not to blame.

It feels horrible for everyone involved but i think guilt is a good sign. I also made some poor choices as a young teen (as my brother did at the same age), but after i while i began to feel really terrible about my behaviour as i developed a serious problem and it lead to a breakdown. I felt so guilty and without being asked i 'fessed up' to my parents all the things i had done, this allowed me to sort myself out and to know that it wasn't the way i wanted to go in life. However, the only time my brother ever felt guilt was when he was caught... and so he left home and continued making these poor choices. He also took other drugs for a couple of years, but continued with the weed as a way of life. Most young people mess around with drugs at some point, i don't think there's any sure way to know how it will turn out. If your son feels guilty within himself then it's more likely he knows what he is doing is the wrong choice for him (and not just because you do not like what he's doing).

The only difference i can see with how my parents treated us and how we ended up with such different outcomes, is that they weren't very aware of my problems and let me get on with it and i sorted it out myself. I grew out of it. Whereas with my brother my parents worried themselves sick, tried every which way to help and get involved, and in turn just isolated and annoyed him even more. Now he has been smoking weed for over 10 years it has affected him psychologically and he has trouble interacting socially, lack of motivation and clarity, and very poor money management. He is just too used to my parents picking up the pieces for him. It's incredibly sad because he has become so fragile that now it's very difficult to refuse him any help because he appears to need it so much.

I think you need to find out what drugs he is doing. If it is just weed then make it known that it's totally unacceptable and it disgusts you, and also remind him of all the dangers - not just the smoking itself but the psychological affects and complete apathy that it causes with long term use. Hopefully he will realise when it's time to stop and grow out of it. I didn't know many people at university (or school or college for that matter) that didn't mess around with drugs and alcohol for abit.

Sorry i don't have much advise, it's really such a complex issue and hard to put into words what you can go through and what may help. Just know that you aren't alone, so so many families with similar lives to yours go through the same things with their kids. There is NO point in dwelling over what one may or may not have done wrong, that will only serve to make things FAR worse for everyone involved. Like i said, the fact he is feeling guilty is a very good sign that things will get better. Having your son home should help him feel more secure to deal with any real issues that are causing his drug use, but if it is just because of poor choices then you have to let him know that it's absolutely unacceptable. TBH it sounds like he is feeling very vulnerable and perhaps needs a little more time to be treated as a child, then maybe he will grow up and make some mature choices.

thatgirlsam

what a nightmare - i have kids, i can't imagine what you are going through steph..-
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what i will say is that it sounds like dan is trying to 'escape' something, isn't this what drug users do~?.. is he self-medicating?
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please don't let him think he has failed at anything, this isn't true

Lunar_Eclipse

Steph998 wrote: »

At what point do you NOT tell your child that although you love them unconditionally, they are a disappointment to you? Surely, we can't condone this behaviour?

I understand your perspective more clearly now; thank you. What a nightmare for you (all). I fully agree that this behaviour should not be condoned and being disappointed in these circumstances is natural. And as a mother filled with guilt about comparatively trivial things, I understand this angle completely. Sigh. However, I think it would be healthier all round not to see *him* as a failure (which is how I read your 'if he fails again' comment, although possibly incorrectly given your very rational reply.:))

Good luck for some light at the end of the tunnel soon.

redwineguzzler

I am so pleased for you that your son is back with you, at least you know your son is safe at the moment, and you are getting some professional help, as a mum, yes you love your kids unconditionally (however old), and I feel like I have been a complete failure to my son who is in the same posistion as yours but not back home yet, I so envy you at the moment, but am pleased that your Dan is with you... I wish you & your family the very best of luck with things. XX

Steph998

Thank you all again - so much.

Well...have had an interesting and very upsetting day with Dan. We were seen by his GP, and when I phoned to explain the circumstances when I made the appointment, the doctor had managed to also get the community drug and alchohol nurse to be there. I asked D if he wanted me to come in with him, and he said yes, maybe for a while. I think he was
worried -even at his age - that he would 'get into trouble' for his actions, and just wanted his Mum with him. The Dr was happy for me to sit in, even though he is over 18. It all came out...he has regularly been smoking and eating (?) cannibis, and taking speed tablets (Amphetamines) at the weekends. He got a terrible fright one night last week when his heart started to beat so fast he said he could hardly breathe. He had to go up to ARI casualty, and got twenty questions up there....saw a policeman when he came out, thought it was for him and did a runner, still feeling unwell. He has absolutely NO money....and it is this flippin GF of his who pays for it all, she is anorexic and takes all sorts of crap apparently. I don't think D had to have his arm twisted to be her 'drug buddy'.though..... I think he has had a real fright, although he doesn't seem to be keen to give up the GF.

Anyway....I left the consulting room when he started to get really upset, I couldn't bear him seeing me cry. He spent a while with the nurse too, and got some blood taken.

I am sorry I said he 'failed me in the title of this. I should have worded it better. You all know what I mean.

Keeping_Motivated

Steph998 wrote: »

I am sorry I said he 'failed' me in the title of this. I should have worded it better. You all know what I mean.

Completely :A

Errata

Steph, thanks so much for updating. It sounds like Dan can see things clearly and is willing to accept help to get him back on track. Things won't be a bed of roses for any of you, far from it at times, but you know you have a lovely boy and he's worth it.
Do everything in your power to keep him away from his supplier the GF. She's no friend and simply wants some company whilst she indulges in her druggy habits. A chat to her parents or if she's a student the university might not go amiss. Best wishes.

Kimitatsu

Steph998 wrote: »

Thank you all again - so much.

Well...have had an interesting and very upsetting day with Dan. We were seen by his GP, and when I phoned to explain the circumstances when I made the appointment, the doctor had managed to also get the community drug and alchohol nurse to be there. I asked D if he wanted me to come in with him, and he said yes, maybe for a while. I think he was
worried -even at his age - that he would 'get into trouble' for his actions, and just wanted his Mum with him. The Dr was happy for me to sit in, even though he is over 18. It all came out...he has regularly been smoking and eating (?) cannibis, and taking speed tablets (Amphetamines) at the weekends. He got a terrible fright one night last week when his heart started to beat so fast he said he could hardly breathe. He had to go up to ARI casualty, and got twenty questions up there....saw a policeman when he came out, thought it was for him and did a runner, still feeling unwell. He has absolutely NO money....and it is this flippin GF of his who pays for it all, she is anorexic and takes all sorts of crap apparently. I don't think D had to have his arm twisted to be her 'drug buddy'.though..... I think he has had a real fright, although he doesn't seem to be keen to give up the GF.

Anyway....I left the consulting room when he started to get really upset, I couldn't bear him seeing me cry. He spent a while with the nurse too, and got some blood taken.

I am sorry I said he 'failed' me in the title of this. I should have worded it better. You all know what I mean.

Steph - can I just say that in no way have you failed your child. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and if there was a "right" way to do it why would the shelves be full of books on the "right" way to bring up a child

I work in the criminal justice system, so first place I would start is Addaction, they are a charity where users can self refer. They are "cool" people who can relate to teenagers and are there to support the whole family.

He has to make his own decision to ditch the GF, if you push him to it then he will just rebel and you will be back at square one. However, I would say that if you are that upset, then maybe you should let him see YOU cry, it may have more impact than you think. Currently he just sees you leaving the room and he may misinterpretate that as you being disappointed or angry with him, seeing your emotions may just trip the switch in his head to question just what he is doing.

Above all Steph, do not blame yourself, drugs can happen in all walks of life regardless of class. Be kind to yourself and take time out for yourself and your other members of your family so that this does not take over your life.

Kimi
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