Suitable punishments for a 6 year old. Ideas please!! Anything considered!

milliebear00001

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

That's the system the HV didn't like - said you should only be putting marbles in, never taking them out.

Well forgive me HV, but as somebody who manages 30 kids everyday, I can safely say she's talking b***cks! Nothing at all wrong with 5 marbles in for good behaviour, one out for poor principle. Children are very quick to realise the fairness of this system as long as the rules are applied consistently.

blue_monkey_2

Hi again,

Hi tamlem, no, not at all, I do not think that others are saying they are better than I am but it is hard to put down here everything that happens to explain things properly. We had crossed wires We have tried a variety of punishements and the one we found that was working I was told I had to stop as it was 'not positive enough' and since then we have gone downhill fast. So for me it was working.

On the other wise my DD does show - which I know now - autistic traits, nothing that I cannot deal with, clothes are a headache and she is always trying to pull them off her body when she is wearing them, we have huge issues with anything that does not fit PERFECTLY and there are no trousers at all. Just little things that are more frustrating than anything else and I do not have any problems with her at school (my son did hence his being picked up), but I think Nicki touched on some things in her post. (What is NT by the way, I have not come across this abb. before - it is going to be something obvious right, LOL)

My DD likes to cuddle up and sniff me, she clearly gets comfort from this but this morning when she was being horrid I said that she could not do it becaue she had been horrible and she did not like that. Then I feel bad but maybe little things like this are what will be a punishment. I know it is hard to put down but we do praise them a lot, just for little things, being good, putting something back where it belongs, lots of little things that I guess would be insignificant to other people. But clearly it is not enough.

Since I started this post I've sat the kids down and told them that the money thing is changing (again!) back to how it was, so at the start of the day the money goes into their pot (it used to be a bag that was emptied each day), if they are naughty they get fined 1 penny, and I have made it clear on what they are fined for. For us this works and I am going to use it, however I've introduced a new rule so that the positives get rewarded so if they are extra specially good they will get a 'bonus' of a big penny (2p).

Please do not get me wrong, they are not naughty all the time and I am sorry if my post came across as this way but it is the bad behaviour I am concentrating on getting rid of - and yes, I feel a punishment would work better than the positive/negative thing does for us. I too just think they do not get that they have done anything wrong and this is what is the most frustrating.

It is frustrating when you have to tell them off for the same things over and over and over again, when a bright and intelligenet 6 year old should have remembered that she was sent to bed early the day before doing exactly the same thing as she has done now. So this is what I find frustrating, why they are not able to take in what they are doing is wrong and why it is wrong, DS I can understand, but DD? She does not seem to understand. So surely this means the punishement is not severe enough to make her remember - so she needs something to remember. Right? Or wrong? It is confusing to make sure you are doing the right thing.

The last few days have been especially hard so I thought I would post and ask because what we were doing is not working and so I wondered what punishment were suitable for children of this age. Especially with the hols coming.

Despite my son's AS we do not let him get away with a great deal. While he gets told off I guess he does not understand why he is getting told off, and I wonder if DD has the same problem at times, the way I see it though it is a condition not an excuse. My son is easily led and DD told him to climb onto the roof of her dads van and jump up and down on it..... suffice to say he has not done it again. They had a week of bath, bed and no stories. And this worked. But I do not want to take away our nice quiet time at the end of the day as this is when we all sit down together. It is also part of my son's routine and he does not like to veer away from these day to day, so it is only something I do as a very last resort.

I think I am also going to try the suggestion of not giving her time to play on her own when she is next punished. She seemed to love being on her own in bed this morning and I need a punishment that works. So maybe I could make sure she is sitting next to me rather than sending her off. It was an interesting thought and something I had never considered before.

blue_monkey_2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

That's the system the HV didn't like - said you should only be putting marbles in, never taking them out.

Yes, I tired marbles too and there was uproar because my son is OBSESSED with marbles. He can talk about marbles until the sun falls out of the sky..... so you can imagine what a big jar of marbles did!! LOL. I have tried that though. This is why my HV did not like either - you are not allowed to take anything away if they have been naughty as it is 'focusing on the negative'.

Good grief, the yjust get all this stuff out of a book and I wonder if any of them actually have any children to try it out on.

She was even blaming ME for my son's behaviour until the doc mentioned his ASD in his last letter.....

blue_monkey_2

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice, I know that there is nothing specific here but it has given me food for thought. I am goin g back to the money as for us this was fair and consistent and it worked. And I was told this was wrong. So having discussed it with my husband we are going back to doing just this and sod what she has to say about it.

Thank you for helping me to get a few things into perspective.

Now, about tying the kids up in the garden, I am not allowed to do this either right?......

Nicki

NT = neurotypical. Seems to be the abbreviation of choice of parents of AS children to describe their non-AS children - as "normal" is a bit crass!

It sounds like you are doing everything right to be honest, but are just having a bad few days. ALL children are naughty, and they all repeat their crimes over and over, despite punishments, until the penny drops that any gratification they get from the naughtiness is far outweighed by the penalty.

Whilst I tend to agree with you that AS or AS traits are not an excuse for naughtiness, I do think though that it is important to work out why a child is behaving badly, as it may be a response to something they just can't cope with. A bit like (for example) a grown adult jumping up and swearing in church because they have been stung by a wasp out of the blue. Unacceptable yes, but also an instinctive reaction to an extreme stimulus. I think you can teach more socially acceptable behaviour to AS/semi AS children, provided you can also lessen the demands on them by minimising the situations they find hard, or giving them strategies to cope - eg we won't accept my DD tantruming in a restaurant, but if she is getting obviously uptight we will let her put on her earphones to drown out the background music which makes her more prone to blow. For that reason I would suggest manipulating your DD's environment when you need to to stop her acting out so often, rather than simply reacting once she has done so. And to remember she is only 6!

Last piece of advice is that if something is working for you, and you have no worries about it, you should never ever discuss it with a Health Visitor, who are (a) put on this earth solely to give parents something extra to worry about; and (b) never ever trained in the day to day minutiae of living with an AS child. They may be able to spot when to refer a child for assessment but they have no clue after that IMHE.

blue_monkey_2

Thanks Nicki,

Yes, it has given me something to think about and I will certainly take more note of what is causing these tantrums to see if they are related to anything in particular. I've not given it any thought before. Thanks also for the explaination of NT - I've not heard that. I thought it was 'Normal Teenager' but then I realised yours were not teenagers, LOL.

I know you are right about the HV I am going to tell her what she wants to hear and leave it there. Enough said in that respect, even my husband said she has turned everything upside down as even getting into the money routine takes time and she said to change it just like that. We are quite new to all this so did not even think, but she destoyed everything we had built up!!

shirlgirl2004

As a mother of 2 children BM you should know by now not to listen to HVs, we all know they give their own opinions rather than anything they have been trained in. Ask a dozen HVs the same question and you'll have a dozen answers. You'd be better off asking on MSE :rotfl:

Good luck with re-implementing your tried and tested system.

Savvy_Sue

blue_monkey wrote: »

Now, about tying the kids up in the garden, I am not allowed to do this either right?......

:rotfl: Tempting though it might be ... another no! :rotfl:

But could you all please lay off HVs? One of my best friends is a HV! And at least ONE of the problems is that they are completely overstretched and bogged down with families where there is a real Child Protection concern. When our lot were young she had all her own crises and problems - the BIGGEST and LONGEST tantrum I've EVER seen was thrown by HER son when I was looking after him! He started the minute she walked out and just did not stop!:rotfl: Fortunately he didn't even calm down when his dad came home, so I knew it wasn't just me.

No, HVs don't always have much experience of the autistic spectrum, and no, their advice won't always work - even for normal children. However there are times when they will pick up a problem which needs further investigation, so please don't write them off completely!

Savvy_Sue

Nicki wrote: »

NT = neurotypical. Seems to be the abbreviation of choice of parents of AS children to describe their non-AS children - as "normal" is a bit crass!

And whatever my non-AS children are, it's not 'normal'! :rotfl:

lolababy

Hi your daughter sounds like mine. My daughter will be six on the 28th of this month.I think its a phase most children go through .
I tend to ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good. A good tip is to say that you have her teachers phone number , they are usually angelic at school. Also praising you son when he has done something well. Children dont like to be left out where praise is concerned. We have ingrained the 123 methoud since dd was little. We never get to 3 as she is psychologicaly brainwashed lol. Not sure what she thinks will happen if we get to 3.
Giving dd more responsibility makes her feel important even if its polishing her shoes or laying the table.
Its really about finding what suits your family and being flexiable if it does not go to plan. Hopefully its just a phase and before you know it she will have moved onto something else.