Suitable punishments for a 6 year old. Ideas please!! Anything considered!

beccam

OK I've skimmed through the pages so forgive me if I'm repeating things already said.:o

1st, do what works for you, HV's and other 'professionals' can offer advice and give guidelines i.e positive parenting, but you live with your child and know them best, personally I see a reward/consequence technique as positive parenting...they get rewards and you've already said they get plenty of positive attention.
2nd, I say by age 6 your DD is old enough to understand exactly what she is doing and exactly how she can push the buttons, I would try and involve her in the process...call a family meeting, write out your 'house rules' starting from most important so say 'no hitting, kicking, biting' and work down through answering back/shouting/slamming doors, she is then fully aware of the things that will result in 'punishment' and in turn it keeps you and OH in check..you both can see what warrants punishment and also can't just decide something because you're loosing patience!! She will most likely roll her eyes and hate the whole thing but tough!!
3rd, give her some responsibility so maybe a chore chart in order to earn her rewards, make her responsible for laying out clothes for morning/packing bag/tidying room, whatever you feel is achievable for her. Give her a set time frame for each so maybe tidying room must happen on a Sat, if its not done by bedtime sat night she gets no reward etc etc.
Lastly if she is violent or particularly nasty and is not stopping even after loosing a penny then maybe she can do naughty step or sent to 'reflection room', her bedroom is prob not the best place as she still has her own things/toys etc do you have a spare room/dining room/utility room that would be more boring for her?
All just ideas and bottom line is that it is what works for you, I'm very much all about praising the positives but I also think it is important to teach that some behaviour will NOT be tolerated and there is consequence for actions.
Good luck!!

hipomad

hi, have read most of the pages and cant get to grips with a few things. you said about wishing you could bring them up in the 80s-90s and about rewarding-punishing with the money"thing"
In the 80s (and before) children were raised as "children" and treated as such until they were at least 14.Most children want to win everything they do and all have a turn at being the devils child.
why would you use money to get your children to behave, what happened to stars or smiley faces that could add up to a treat or something nice that would be special to each child.
HVs have never been any good.
You probalby need to take a different approach and set some ground rules.From reading through your comments i feel that you may benefit from talking calmly and try to explain a little bit about your sons condition as she is just copying her brothers actions. Let her know what is and what is not acceptable behaviour.It would be nice if she did this or that as it would help you. As for children doing what they are told to do,when they are told to do it i dont think that ever happens. Children cant seem to get the idea of "now". Try"could you look for the remote before"-tea-playing or "while I get ready,wash up or similar. It doesnt seem like an order then.
I think you need to try all different approaches until you find one that works, but remember they are children and sometimes things like pulling faces just need to be ignored or laughed at.
wishing you luck

LittleTinker

blue_monkey wrote: »

Does anyone else want to try the money thing with me and then we can report back on how it is going?

Basically, I start the day by putting either 15p or 20p in a pot in 1 pence pieces, if they are naughty they get a 1p fine, violence is not tolerated and is an instant fine, everything else is a warning first and then a fine if the child disobeys.

Because I was told there was not enough 'positive' in this I am going to implement a reward system so they can earn a few extra pennies each day or being very good will get a 2p reward. My DD already talks about what she will spend her money on so I think it will also give them a value of money and the cost of things. Maybe, LOL. But because we have tons of pennies knocking around then it is not a big deal and at the end of the week we swop it for 'big money'. My DD already has her eye on the 'big one' (a £2 coin. LOL).

I just think that a 6 year old child doesnt need to be getting £1.40 a week. In fact, unless its a specific event, I dont think children before high school need pocket money at all.

I also see pocket money as something that I have agreed to give my children in order for them to learn how to manage it, make it last, save it up etc etc. Once their pocket money is gone, I wont be buying their extra sweets or magazine, for example.

It is an agreement that I give this money to my children same as when i go to work I get a wage and have to manage that.

I do NOT think it is a fair punishment to take away their money if they have been 'bad'......Your boss doesnt deduct £5 from you if take too long on your break, for example.
How can she ever learn effective budgeting if you dont give her a regular amount?
The exception lies in if they break anything that needs to be replaced or repaired.....this comes into the bracket of unforseen expenses.

So....punishment. You need a naughty step or a naughty place. Somewhere away from you.
When she is naughty you tell her that whatever she has done in NOT acceptable behaviour and that you do not want her to do it again. If she does it again, she goes to the Naughty place for 6 minutes. (her age) And she must sit there for 6 uninterrupted minutes. So if she kicks up a fuss after 3 minutes and runs away to her room, you bring her back and start again.
Where it usually goes wrong for parents at first is that they find it easier to just let them stay in their room, or run off before the time is up because its easier, and they are quiet now anyway.

You have to stick to it. You give a warning and then you make them sit. After the time is up.....you go to them and sit so you are at their level and tell them that you had warned them, it was not acceptable what they did and that is why you punished her and you now expect an apology.

You need to get an apology that you feel that she means and that she knows why she is apologising.

You have to them make sure you kiss and make up. And that must be the end of it. You cannot hold onto feeling cross with her.

It will take a week to 10 days to enforce this...and an awful lot of patience. But once she has it instilled, the warning will be enough to stop bad behaviour.

Hope that helps

blue_monkey_2

hipomad wrote: »

hi, have read most of the pages and cant get to grips with a few things. you said about wishing you could bring them up in the 80s-90s and about rewarding-punishing with the money"thing"
In the 80s (and before) children were raised as "children" and treated as such until they were at least 14.Most children want to win everything they do and all have a turn at being the devils child.
why would you use money to get your children to behave, what happened to stars or smiley faces that could add up to a treat or something nice that would be special to each child.
HVs have never been any good.
You probalby need to take a different approach and set some ground rules.From reading through your comments i feel that you may benefit from talking calmly and try to explain a little bit about your sons condition as she is just copying her brothers actions. Let her know what is and what is not acceptable behaviour.It would be nice if she did this or that as it would help you. As for children doing what they are told to do,when they are told to do it i dont think that ever happens. Children cant seem to get the idea of "now". Try"could you look for the remote before"-tea-playing or "while I get ready,wash up or similar. It doesnt seem like an order then.
I think you need to try all different approaches until you find one that works, but remember they are children and sometimes things like pulling faces just need to be ignored or laughed at.
wishing you luck

I have tried everything, that is why I am posting here. If you read before I've tried marbles and stickers, smiley faces and charts, they get ripped off the wall - I've invested in some expensive indestructible ones, they get drawn over or the stickers/stars pulled off when they are not going the right way. So this is what happened to the stars and smiley faces. They do not work for us.

As you say, each child is different, reward charts were not working for me, as my daughter is very bright and she was able to count the stars and knew she was not going to reach the 'set' target so there was no reason for her to behave. I did have something that works until the HV told me to stop it.

I do not mean to be funny but I did all of the things that you suggest and it did not work, I do not spend the day ordering my kids around. When I am trying to talk calmly to my daughter I do not expect her to be pulling faces at me - and this is a reasonable request. If you went to speak to your boss and pulled faces at him while he was speaking to you do you think you would get the sack? She has to learn that pulling faces is not acceptable when being spoken to. In the same way she would not do it with her teacher.

However, the threat of losing a penny does make them do 'it' now. So it works. This morning. Can you get dressed please..... they didn't. I will ask one more time, can you please get dressed or I shall have to take a penny from the pot. They dressed. So there is the incentive and hopefully in a month they will not need to be reminded. I do not get stressed, they keep their penny, in fact DD will say, quick get dressed else we'll lose a penny. I can even say we have had a great morning and I managed to get out of the door on time!!

I do the calm approach, I have an AS so we have to have this approach as I can shout and scream and all he does is mimic me so why would I do this? So I don't. In fact I am often shocked when I hear how some parents speak to their kids at the school as I never speak in that way.

But this works for us. We are back to giving the money in the morning and it does work and this morning has been great - although it is just morning one the peace seems to have been restored, maybe it is because the kids know the 'rules'. She started crying over something she wanted and I would not give her and I just said, there is no need to cry and scream over it otherwise I am going to have to take a penny from the pot. So she stopped and went off to do something else, yesterday it would have lead to a 15 minutes of screaming and crying until she was shut in the front room to get time to calm down and stop. IT WORKS!! So it is here to stay now whether the HV likes it or not. The 'positive' will be the additional reward they get for being especially nice (such as doing something without being promted). I am not sure on chores though, asking her to tidy her room leads to a tantrum you would not beleive - and she only has 3 boxes, Polly Pocket, Ponies and Dolls..... LOL..... I've tried to explain, put them in piles and then put them in the boxes but she will sit there crying over it for an hour and it'll still never get done. It is just like the incentive of having a chocolate from the advent calendar means they eat their breakfast nicely.

So this morning I am calm and the house feels great. I am glad I posted else I would have been in the frame of mind that the HV put me in, the thing is, she is not here to see whether it worked and she goes away leaving me feel totally useless and a failure as a parent (because of my son's condition) and I am not!!

hayleyc_2

When your daughter is not in an angry or defiant mood, do you talk to her about her behaviour and try to find out why she's feeling like this? Perhaps whilst you're both calm and taking part in a joint activity like making cakes or something you could gently talk to her and see whether there is anything making her angry or upset. I'm not a parent of a 6yr old (yet) so not sure if this will be any help! ...But I generally beleive that most behaviour is not just the child deliberately being 'naughty' (I don't really like the word naughty.. but I won't start a debate on that!) but an expression of feelings that they can't express any other way. Childrens' emotions are much more in control of them than adults because of their immature brains. I personally don't beleive that punishments and rewards are the best way to go but if you've done this in the past then perhaps she's become dependant on it. I.E she doesn't see the point in doing it unless there's a reward (the reward being there's no money taken away from her).

I know it's easier said than done, but it sounds to me that your relationship with your daughter needs to be worked on, and that once this starts to improve she'll naturally become more co-operative and less angry.

Hayley

KatieMatkin

Aw bless you BM - I don't have kids yet but I get worried that when I do they'll turn out like my little brother was, I felt so sorry for my mum back then. All you can do is let them know that you love them, maybe they'll grow out of it, maybe perseverance with the money jars etc will work, but don't let anyone tell you you're a bad mum, especially a HV/ Support Worker, everyone is different and everyone's kids react and are encouraged by different things so keep at it, good luck x x

blue_monkey_2

Little Tinker,

So should a child before the age of 11 just get given anything they want? Sweets, crisps, toys, etc... The money pays for things such as hairbands, goggles for swimming, things that she wants (but does not need) and that any other parent would usually just pick up and buy I suppose. So now my children have to earn them or go without. So by the time they get to High School they will know the value of money - that would be before the age of your children do. They still want things before the age of 11. They still want DS games, or a new car or doll, only now they will have to be good if they want something rather than mummy giving them whatever they want. I personally feel that they will gain more from this. And it works for us!

If you go back and read, shazrobbo's kids go to a special school and they too impliment this system. I found it being implimented by a child physcologist and this is why I started using it to see if it works. It is the only thing that has ever worked for us.

The naughty step does not work. She will sit there and scream for 30 minutes if she has to. In an ideal world I would live in a detached house in the middle of the countryside so it would not be a problem. However, we do not, we live in a housing association property and we have neighbours, we have not been here a year and our tenancy is insecure so I will not let my daughter have a screaming fit for half an hour at 6am and risk being chucked out so a different system has to be used. Even IF we owned or were secure in this property there is no way I would let her have a screaming fit for half an hour when she is on a time out so the neighbours have to listen to it. I can ignore it all I want but this is unacceptable so a different punishment has to be used instead of the naughty step. Would you like to live next door to a child waking you up at that time each morning screaming because they cannot get their own way? If one child is playing and the other will not leave the quiet one alone they get removed to sit next to me. Quietly! This works for us too but does not solve all of the problems so this is why the money has to be implimented.

Do you have an understanding of children of childtern that 'are on the Autistic Spectrum because what you might see as being insignificant can lead to a full on meltdown, tantrum, violent outburst etc.... and we spend all of our days trying to avoid this happening. Likewise what you see as a punishment my son would not even understand so we have to take different approaches. I do still think that children need to be punished. I send them to bed early without a story. My mum sent me to bed without any tea when I was little but I've not been able to bring myself to do that - yet. She also washed my mouth out with soap for swearing. Punishments. I never swore again when I was a child so I guess you could say it was effective!! Adnwe also knew not to play my dad up else we'd get a smack across the back of the legs, my mum never smacked us so we walked all over her as we knew there would be no punishment....... I guess it depends on what you remember from personal experience.

blue_monkey_2

I just wanted to add that despite all of this we tell each other we love each other every day - they go to bed with me saying I love you. My son and daughter will come up to me and give me a cuddle and say 'I love you mummy'. So sometimes - depsite all of the bad stuff - there is just one brief moment where you can forget it all and have a hug.

Milford_Cubicle

I would also wonder if your DD is on the edge of the AS spectrum? As she's certainly displaying signs of it...but you know that already.

I'll not repeat what others have said, but I will add a couple of small thoughts, and then wish you luck as it's no fun having a disrespectful child in the house.

1) Having an AS son I'm sure you've already considered her diet, but thought I'd mention it anyway!

2) Extreme punishment. You've come to your wits end, right? Tell her that you've absolutely had enough of her behaviour and she's going to lose every single one of her toys. Yes, all of them. Remove EVERYTHING from her room and DS/Wii etc from where they're kept and put them in the loft/garage/wherever. Somewhere she can't access them. Tell her that she'll get her toys back, one by one (or box of toys, depends how you organise her room) if she does as she's asked, is nice to you, is co-operative etc etc. So, she says please and thank-you, give her back ONE of her toys/boxes of toys but make it the one she plays with least, then you can build up to giving her back the one she loves most, make that last when she's been well behaved for a specified amount of time (days, weeks, whatever).
The very second she's unnacceptably naughty or disrespectful, take the most recently given back toy, away again.

That's just an idea off the top of my head, it's not something I've ever tried because I'm fortunately blessed with an angelic 7 year old DD. However, I do have a store of ideas in my brain for when the angelic 7 year old turns into the teenager from hell....

hipomad

blue monkey, iam sorry if it came across that i thought you were ordering your children about,that was not the case. Just an idea but have you ever said something to your children and thought "god, i sound just like my mum" I remember doing that a few times and it makes you think how you reacted when it was you being told,which gets you thinking how you might of reacted if it was said or done differently. This gave me a good basis to change my parenting skills, and yes all children react differently to the same senario (i know i had 3 that all needed slightly different approaches.1 was so stubbon that would stay in her room with utter anger that i could take her toys away or tell her off. It took a short while for her to get out of that and just the threat of taking something away would be enought. 2 i never needed to go through the threat as it was enough.
3. the best thing i found there was to say i was going to tell her teacher and all her friends how she was behaving as they all thought she was an angel.
the point is you have to try all sorts of things and it will probably be the most simplest method that you will wounder why you didnt think of it before.
whatever works it will not work overnight, you will have to pecevier(sorry about spelling)with it long enough. If you see a slight improvement after a short time then continue, if not try something else
every parent goes through this at sometime, you are not alone. you have to try all different things no matter how silly or harsh they might sound to others. You will know what will work best for you all, just be patient and dont let it show that Mum is getting wound up by it all as some children like to get a reaction of any type as long as they get a reaction.
good luck