Suitable punishments for a 6 year old. Ideas please!! Anything considered!

Savvy_Sue

blue_monkey wrote: »

Savvy Sue - so what about running around the garden barefoot in a swimming costure, this thought is the only thing giving me a smile in these circumstances.

Never having watched Brat Camp, I couldn't possibly comment, but I don't know how I'd have got one of mine INTO trunks to do this in the first place.

blue_monkey wrote: »

Oh, LOL, the other thing I do when she has a tantrum (which I probably should not) is put my fingers in my ears so I cannot hear her. :rotfl: Yes, I know you are going to tell me this is not the right thing to do but when faced with an hour tantrum sometimes all you can do is laugh about it and do something like this else I'd have a nervous breakdown!!

Well, I used to do similar, TBH. My trick was always to sing very loudly and quite tunefully to drown out their racket. They used to HATE it and would beg me to stop. Yes, I will stop my noise when you stop yours. If they shouted at me, I would whisper back that I could not hear them.

I know I will probably be flamed for this, but I also used 'controlled shouting' - you won't find it in the books, I don't suppose - where I would tell them in a much louder voice than my usual one that what they were doing was NOT ACCEPTABLE and it WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Not all children would cope with this: not all children would need this. Mine needed it quite rarely, although even now I've been known to 'go off on one' at DS3, who's now 16. Last time I did this was almost the minute I came in from work, and DS1 wandered out of his bedroom and said "And hello to you too", which made me laugh.

I'm going to say it again: ignoring behaviour you do not like does not work for all children. It may work for the majority. It just didn't work for mine. I can't help that. bm appears to have tried the HV's advice, and while it may have helped some aspects of their behaviour, it hasn't helped this one, so she needs to do something different.

bm, one thing I've had to get across to my 3 is that just because one of them has done something wrong, they don't ALL have to misbehave, and none of them has to enforce 'the rules': that's my job. The easiest example to give is when they were left with babysitters: they all knew what time they were each supposed to go to bed, but I said that just because DS3 didn't go at the right time didn't mean DS2 could stay up. Because if DS2 went at the right time, I would be happy with him, and unhappy with DS3, whereas if they both stayed up late, I would be unhappy with BOTH of them.

So, with your DD thumping DS, I'd say that just because he is jumping on her, that doesn't give her the right to thump him. So HE is in trouble for jumping on her, and SHE is in trouble for thumping him.

BTW, never cracked the 'must win games' mentality. But then I hate playing board games because my little sister always used to throw a paddy if she didn't win. The sad thing was when DS1 learned to play chess, and said "I'm going to do this, this and this, and then it's checkmate." And I followed his moves and thought "Blow me, he IS as well." So I blocked him, and beat him, because I thought he needed to learn that you NEVER say what you're going to do. But he never played chess again, and that's sad because he could have been VERY good! So there is a moment to let them win, just not all the time, and with games of pure chance you can't!

Savvy_Sue

Nicki wrote: »

What I've found is that even though my older child is definitely NT, nonetheless he has more in common with his sister than you might think. I wonder whether this might also be the case with your DD? So for example rather than being naughty when someone stuck something on her picture, did she in fact have a meltdown because there was a loss of control? Could the incident with the lost remote have been made worse because she finds it hard to find one object amongst a jumble of other things?

A very good point. DH actually said to me the other day that I need to be even more exact about what I say to DS3 - the most NT of our 3 and the closest we've ever got to a 'normal' teenager! :eek: - because he takes things even more literally than DS1, the Aspie. It is a truly scary thought ...

abbecer

I certainly agree with Tamlem. I think you are focusing on negative rather than positive behaviour. My sons are three and six and i'm not saying I have it all worked out but they are good the majority of the time. Me and DH always try to praise when they say please/thank you etc and tell them we are proud of their lovely manners. If they share something we tell them how kind they are being etc. I know it is what they should do anyway but reinforcing it seems to work a treat with my boys. We also arrange nice family days to the park or a DVD/popcorn party and tell them that this will be their reward if they are good. If they are bad they DO NOT get it. If one has been good they get it and not the other.

Good luck. Hope things get better for you soon.

Rebecca x

bandraoi

When you're giving her positive attention, or rewarding her for being good, it sounds like you're rewarding her based on conventional what children like theory rather than what she actually sees as positive attention.

If she likes to play by herself and have alone time, maybe that should be the reward?

The fining her probably works because for her being left alone and retaining the money is the positive. The attention of being rewarded is too much so she acts out and pushes it.

Maybe if she's good, you let her play quietly in her room, if she's bad you make her stay right beside you.

Savvy_Sue

bandraoi wrote: »

When you're giving her positive attention, or rewarding her for being good, it sounds like you're rewarding her based on conventional what children like theory rather than what she actually sees as positive attention.

Yet another very good point which I would agree with.

tamlem

Hi again,

I think many have misunderstood what i said about ignoring bad behaviour and praising good. Obviously in any successful parent-child relationship there have to be clear boundaries and a balance of positive reinforcement and negative consequences for actions.

You started this thread by saying that you are consistently punishing your child in many different ways but it is having no effect. This is the reason why I suggested praising the good and ignoring the bad until things improve because when patterns like this emerge the relationship between the parent and child suffers and this exacerbates the bad behaviour and punishment- this is what I meant by a viscious cycle.

I did say in my reply that you couldnt ignore if your child or someone else was in danger. If my child kicked a car (none of them ever have)they would be sent to the bottom stair for a brief spell, but this would work for them- it seems not to be working for your child. I was trying to provide an alternative tried and tested approach which does work (look at webster stratton if you're interested). I would add that I am not suggesting that my children are in any way superior to yours or that i am a better mother because mine dont kick cars- far from it, sometimes you are doing your best, as i'm sure you are, but other circumstances can impact.

The most important thing for healthy, happy, well behaved children is a positive relationship, loads of positive attention and play. There is a classic triangle for this which clinical psychologists use to illustrate to parents the balance. It goes along these lines (forgive me if i go wrong). The large bottom portion of the triangle is play, praise and love, the middle section is boundaries and the smallest section at the top is punishment.

I must stress that I am not suggesting for one minute that your child is not receiving love and attention. It is easy for the balance to get tipped, time of year, things going on at school etc etc, but once you are in the pattern of constant punishment, it actually reinforces negative behaviour and is detrimental to your relationship with your child, not to mention being terribly emotionally draining for yourself.

Please dont all jump on me for saying this. I am not loopy or soft. My husband is a consultant clinical psychologist who works with children and adolescents and I am a lecturer in child psychology. Perhaps more importantly I am a mother of 4 between the ages of 6 & 12, I had my first child when I was twenty and we have never had any family nearby to help.

I am not being opinionated or "full of myself" I just wanted to help.

If you find that something which is the opposite of my advice works for you then great, but as you were posting and had tried many forms of discipline I thought I would offer an alternative view.

I wish you all the best, I am sure you are a great mother and that you will find the solution that works for you all.

Best wishes.

Loz01

Im not surprised to hear your DD is an angel at school! My niece is 5 and can be a holy terror for my brother and SIL but at school she is bloody angelic!

This is because teachers lay down the law on the first day - the kids know exactly where they stand and they know what the punishments are going to be if they're naughty. You need to get that kind of attitude at home, write down the new "rules" and also explain clearly that you will NOT accept kicking/biting/swearing/hitting and other bad behavior, and if that happens, you will do XYZ as a punishment. Id suggest naughty step, taking away a fave toy etc, dont forget to praise her but also dont get caught up in "Ive not kicked my brother for 5 minutes, wheres my treat??" as that can end up expensive and ineffective!

Also, dont forget to warn her about her behavior - first time say "this is your first warning", second time warn her more sternly and tell her if you have to tell her again, she'll be sitting in the corner/she'll miss out on something.

Good luck! bloody kids :rotfl:

milliebear00001

I don't think the reward/punishment thing has to be a case of either/or. I actually don't think there are any rules about what rewards and punishments you use either, as long as both are applied consistently and fairly. Having said that, some rewards are of more value to some children, and some punishments have more effect on some children. I think it's important to praise, praise, praise, and make sure they get most of your attention when they are being good. Bad behaviour is there to elicit a response - usually attention. In chool, I try to stick to a rule of '5 parts praise for every punishment'. I don't make a big deal out of poor behaviour - I simply make life unpleasant for the child in question. Incentives for material gain work wonders at this age - try marbles in a jar with a reward for filling it - take one out when she's naughty, put one in when she's good - or a multitude of variations on this theme?

elainew

when she says she hates you just say Oh thats a shame as I love you much--usually stops them in their tracks.
My dd ( although she is younger) used to start off with £1 a week pocket money to spend on whatever she wanted. For anything she did naughty ( big stuff , being cheeky gobby etc) she lost 10p.
For being extra helpful she gained 10p and lots of praise, hugs kisses etc
At the start she used to have about 20p left by Friday night.
Now shes getting £1.50 and is a wee sweetheart.
Might be worth a try?

Savvy_Sue

milliebear00001 wrote: »

try marbles in a jar with a reward for filling it - take one out when she's naughty, put one in when she's good - or a multitude of variations on this theme?

That's the system the HV didn't like - said you should only be putting marbles in, never taking them out.