Things they don't tell you about being a single mother

Debt_Free_Chick

Notsosharp wrote: »

He will get parental responsibility and use it to have control over me.

I am no expert by any stretch, but I understand that this would be very, very unusual. Do you really think he stands a chance with this? Are you getting good advice?

As for hating him - don't bother. It's wasted brain power and it can cloud your judgement, leading you to say/do something you later regret.

In your very first post, you said (something like) Your best is never good enough. This is a disease that particular afflicts women for all of their life. Whether we realise it or not, low self-esteem affects pretty much all of our behaviour. Please, please address this. Don't wait as I didn't even know (I mean, really, really know and understand) I had this until I was 48. And it lead to me losing the most precious and wonderful man I'd ever had in my life.

Most of us achieve far more than we ever give ourselves credit for - but we hide our achievements and instead, give ourselves more goals. Then we give ourselves a hard time for not meeting one/some of them, when we've actually set ourselves "mission impossible" in the first place.

Although this is nothing to do with your particular situation, I recently read this reply from the Times Agony Aunt and found it inspiring.

I sound like I'm on a bit of a mission and I guess I am, but I hope you realise that you have so much to give yourself credit for.

Good luck

Loz01

Single Mums do NOT get the credit they deserve!! My Mum is a single Mum and she did a fantastic job when my Dad left, never slagged him off, always let him see me, never bad mouthed him to anyone, was polite to him etc! Amazing. Much love to all the single Mums on here and everywhere! xx

[Deleted User]

Wishing you all
a very Merry Christmas
and a
Happy and Healthy 2009
xx
:A

Notsosharp

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

I am no expert by any stretch, but I understand that this would be very, very unusual. Do you really think he stands a chance with this? Are you getting good advice?

Thank you for your replies again, its just hard not to want to smack him in the mouth whenever I see him, even thinking about him makes me really angry so I try not to. Mum says its because I want him to see that he is wrong but thats never going to happen so I should just let it go....you have no idea the amount of time I spend thinking of things to say to him that would make him realise!

Nine times out of ten unless there is a very, very good reason for a father not to have it they will get parental responsbility. My Solictor has told me as much and it seems to tally with everything I have read about it (I am doing a law degree). My Sol said that the only time she ever had a father (inc those who had been violent) NOT get PR was when he was a paedophile (not sure how to spell it). Its very, very unfair, the courts see it as a "right" the fathers should have but they give almost NO consideration to the role he might have played in that child's life, even the non payment of maintanence isn't reason enough for them not to give it.

I have been thinking a lot recently, especially with this thing where they are going to force single mothers out to work. I was under the illusion that sexism was well and truly dead, turns out I was wrong. It seems that if a woman gets pregnant and doesn't stay with the father she is still the one to blame despite the fact the father might be a total idiot and not worth staying with. Why are they not putting schemes in place to force fathers to work to pay for their children they have no qualms about fathering and then dumping? Maybe then (me included) single mothers would not need to claim all the benefits they do?

My ex is a student and therefore does not have to pay maintanence depsite the fact he works at the weekends, why can I manage (being a student myself) having a child full time but it is held he does not have the resources to pay even £50 a month! The whole system just seems more than a little illogical to me....!

Sorry rant over (for now!!)

Debt_Free_Chick

Notsosharp wrote: »

Nine times out of ten unless there is a very, very good reason for a father not to have it they will get parental responsbility. My Solictor has told me as much and it seems to tally with everything I have read about it (I am doing a law degree). My Sol said that the only time she ever had a father (inc those who had been violent) NOT get PR was when he was a paedophile (not sure how to spell it). Its very, very unfair, the courts see it as a "right" the fathers should have but they give almost NO consideration to the role he might have played in that child's life, even the non payment of maintanence isn't reason enough for them not to give it.

Oh, I'm so sorry ..... I must have been thinking about custody, not PR

If this link is complete, it's doesn't seem to be a big deal and - interestingly - parental responsibility includes "maintainenance"

I agree with your mum to a certain extent - there's a reason why you feel so cross about your ex. My fear is that, at some point in the future, you will perhaps see that you've allowed your child to become a battleground for the issues you have with him (your ex). Please don't be alarmed by this comment as I genuinely imply absolutely no criticism of you - we're only human; they cut us, we hurt We hurt and primeaval instincts cut in so that we seek to protect ourselves from further hurt and not allowing the perpetrator to get "close enough" to us to hurt us again is completely natural.

You need to put your litigator's hat on - the poker faced exterior that gives nothing away and the one that behaves in a way to give the other side absolutely no idea of our own position, whilst doing everything to put us in a winning position. Seriously - think like a litigator Rant on here all you like if that will help you as you need a pressure relief valve you can open, now and then.

Of course he won't see that he's wrong. To do that, he has to examine his own feelings and behaviour and that's definitely one area where (most) men are (much) worse than women (on average)

I hated this comment when others made it to me when I was in "a very dark place" about myself but .... it's true ..... in the future, you will look back on this episode and it will appear to be just a miniscule blip in the bigger picture that is YOUR LIFE. If that's true - and I now believe it is - then please, only expend the amount of emotional energy that it deserves. Of course, get what you're entitled to, but there is great dignity in compromise. You'll love yourself for it

galvanizersbaby

Notsosharp wrote: »

I have been thinking a lot recently, especially with this thing where they are going to force single mothers out to work. I was under the illusion that sexism was well and truly dead, turns out I was wrong. It seems that if a woman gets pregnant and doesn't stay with the father she is still the one to blame despite the fact the father might be a total idiot and not worth staying with. Why are they not putting schemes in place to force fathers to work to pay for their children they have no qualms about fathering and then dumping? Maybe then (me included) single mothers would not need to claim all the benefits they do?

My ex is a student and therefore does not have to pay maintanence depsite the fact he works at the weekends, why can I manage (being a student myself) having a child full time but it is held he does not have the resources to pay even £50 a month! The whole system just seems more than a little illogical to me....!

Sorry rant over (for now!!)

I'm not certain of how csa payments are worked out as I was fortunate enough to not have to go down that route but if your ex is a student then do his parents still support him? - i.e. does he still live with them and pay them keep?
If you are both students then if you had stayed together as a couple how would you have managed with a child? - would one of you have given up studying and got a job?

Sorry for all the questions - and sorry your feeling so down at the mo

Mme.Hibou

What about single dads? I'm sure they don't have it easy either. It's hard being a single parent I imagine.

Debt_Free_Chick

Lydia82 wrote: »

What about single dads? I'm sure they don't have it easy either. It's hard being a single parent I imagine.

I guess the problem is that few dads have custody and kids are such an emotional and financial rollercoaster.

Of course, being a dad for less than 24/7 has its own issues, but a single parent with custody has no respite No matter how they feel, they have to "up their game" for the sake of the child they have with them. They can't "take time out" for themselves.

fedupnow

I think single parents are amazing!!!!

Just think.... a single parent is the absolute expert in multitasking. Their organisation skills are second to none. They are multiskilled and can display an incredible ability to make decisions on the hoof. They are decisive and confident and determined to succeed. They have an immense sense of responsibility and will move mountains where necessary even if it means sitting up all night to do so.

The parent that walked, in direct contrast, demonstrates no sense of responsibility, has an alarming tendency to run away and hide when things get a little uncomfortable and is happy to pass the buck to others.

I tell you what, I know who I would rather have working for/with/alongside me.

I know it must get lonely for adult company sometimes but please, please don't wast those lovely years wishing for them to grow... you will regret it (I do). They will grow soon enough and, although you always have to do the disciplining and get them to tidy their rooms and eat their sprouts and all that other jazz that part time parents let them off because they want to be the 'good/nice' guy, they will know what it is you have done for them and they will be your bestest ever friends (I know this too).

star-bright_2

I think all committed parents are amazing, including single ones, but do wish we had better support systems in place, like good, subsidised childcare, tax breaks, and other things people take for granted in other European countries. It isn't right that being a parent, and raising tomorrows tax/pension payers, should be so tough and stressful!!! Who does that help...erm no-one!!! Single parents should get even more help in my opinion, because they're doing the work of 2 people.

As for the unfriendly mums at the school gate, it's their loss. I'm married to my kids dad, (and he's good-looking) but I don't give a hoot if a woman friend is single or whatever. I like/dislike them for who they are, in fact a close mate of mine is extremely pretty, and single, but that doesn't mean she's after my man--even if she is, it takes 2 and I wouldn't want a man I couldn't trust! The women you know must be so insecure, all you can do is pity them.