Things they don't tell you about being a single mother

Loopy_Girl

astonsmummy wrote: »

It's hard but it can also be just as hard and lonely when your in a relationship.
I used to see other mums with their partners and be a bit jealous, but noone knows what goes on behind closed doors do they.

At least no matter what happens, or who we are with we have our kids, what more could anyone ask for?

Very true indeed AM. Hope the pregnancy is going well

Purple_Sparkles

I've been a single parent for the past 7 years and even when I was pregnant I felt I was on my own. When I told my fiancee that I was pregnant (we'd been together 8 years then) he turned round and said 'So what are you going to do about it?' I was gob smacked but knew that I was going to keep the baby and did so. We got married when I was about 7 months pregnant but he really resented me going through with the pregnancy and didn't have much to do with my son at all. He'd never get up in the night, he probably only changed him 5 times in three years and on the one occassion when I went out and left my son with him he kept ringing me so I ended up going home after about an hour.

So did having a child change me, yes, it's made me a better person and I have a brilliant relationship with my son.

My ex was never interested in my son and even now he's not seen him for over a month (supposed to see him once every two weeks, very rare that happens) but it's me that has to tell my son that his dad isn't coming but my son is used to this now and he'd rather stay at home with me than go to his dads - who's lost out - my ex.

I agree it's hard and it's been really hard at times, lonliness is the worst, I moved abot 80 miles away from my ex when we split and even after being here 7 years I don't have any friends, it's true certainly in my case that married mums see you as a threat and whilst they may chat to you at the school gate, don't invite you anywhere. I guess I'm lucky that I do enjoy my own company and my son and I will go swimming or to the zoo or walks in the woods etc.... anything that's free or cheap as money is still really tight, but when I look at my son I know that he's a kind, generous, loving and caring person because of me and for that I should and do feel proud.

Being a single parent is really hard at times and when those times are hard it's difficult to think of the good things. I started to write a journal and when I felt down I'd write in it how I felt etc... and still do but it makes you feel better and it's also a good record of how bad things have been but what you've done to get over them and how far you've come - you have something that money cannot buy and that's a wonderful relationship with your child/children.

shirlgirl2004

ixwood wrote: »

I would do EVERYTHING within my powers to keep my kids if I was in that situation. "Scot Free" implies they're a unwanted hindrance.

The low standard/poor choice of partner seems to be a common theme. To anyone whose ex is a useless !!!!, what attracted you to them originally? What made you think "He's the one!"?

I call my partner useless at times so def would if we ever split up. The truth is he isn't useless but I wouldn't trust him to look after the children by himself for more than a few hours. I have to give exact instructions to him. If I don't then it goes wrong.

Small example. He took DD (4 years old) to school yesterday. I don't allow DD to have sweets, cakes etc with sugar in, so as someone was bringing cake into share I gave her a homemade (by OH) banana cake to take. Unfortunately he didn't bother to tell the teacher the reason so DD got the high sugar cake as well as her homemade one! If he had thought he would have known that the teacher would have given her a piece of birthday cake unless asked not to but he just doesn't think!

I've been a single parent and yes it is incredibly hard and I applaud all those single parents that do a great job (unfortunately a minority don't and those are the ones that give the others a bad press).

Pssst

ixwood wrote: »

The low standard/poor choice of partner seems to be a common theme. To anyone whose ex is a useless !!!!, what attracted you to them originally? What made you think "He's the one!"?

I suspect that a significant propertion of ladies,especially the younger ones,are attracted by "qualities" which at the time seem attractive but end up being very superficial.
Things like the guy who seems most confident,has the biggest mouth or the smart chat,a nice car etc.

In essence,and being male i might be wrong,for the long run a girl needs a guy who they find attractive (not always just physically),who she can talk with,who can stilumate her brain as well as her body,who can cook, has a job,is reasonably intelligent,can do diy stuff,has a certain level of shared interest.

Can ladies add any other attributes for the long haul partner?

Oh another, !!!!!! if your thinking long term,discuss whether you both want kids.Dont just assume...

Loopy_Girl

Pssst wrote: »

I suspect that a significant propertion of ladies,especially the younger ones,are attracted by "qualities" which at the time seem attractive but end up being very superficial.
Things like the guy who seems most confident,has the biggest mouth or the smart chat,a nice car etc.

In essence,and being male i might be wrong,for the long run a girl needs a guy who they find attractive (not always just physically),who she can talk with,who can stilumate her brain as well as her body,who can cook, has a job,is reasonably intelligent,can do diy stuff,has a certain level of shared interest.

Can ladies add any other attributes for the long haul partner?

Oh another, !!!!!! if your thinking long term,discuss whether you both want kids.Dont just assume...

Jeezo...that's the biggest load of crap I have read for a long while - and that is saying something on here!!!

You think women's heads are turned by a nice car or having money etc? Yes, perhaps when you are 14 but not when you are a grown up. And for the record (and welcome to the 21st century btw) women can cook and do DIY and don't 'need' a man to be able to do these things.

In essence, women generally want a man that will love and respect them and I don't really think whether they can put a shelf up or share their enthusiasm for Sex and the City really has anything to do with it. All the things you quoted are pretty superficial. Women are a bit deeper than that I'm afraid!

But I do agree with your last comment (although I am hoping you are not indicating pregnancies to trap men?). It should always be brought up at some stage, and preferably not when things are 'in too deep', to find out the other's thoughts on marriage and children.
Personally if I met a man now and he wasn't into having children then I wouldn't take it further as I am hoping to have another at some stage and there is no point wasting my time with a man who doesn't feel the same.

traveller

Pssst wrote: »

I suspect that a significant propertion of ladies,especially the younger ones,are attracted by "qualities" which at the time seem attractive but end up being very superficial.
Things like the guy who seems most confident,has the biggest mouth or the smart chat,a nice car etc.

In essence,and being male i might be wrong,for the long run a girl needs a guy who they find attractive (not always just physically),who she can talk with,who can stilumate her brain as well as her body,who can cook, has a job,is reasonably intelligent,can do diy stuff,has a certain level of shared interest.

Can ladies add any other attributes for the long haul partner?

Oh another, !!!!!! if your thinking long term,discuss whether you both want kids.Dont just assume...

I don't think anyone in most instances needs to defend their choice of partner be it male or female, as usually people show you what they want you to see and it's only when the going gets tough you see their true colours.
This is obvious, as your ex will seem really charmimg to people they have no real connection with,as they did to you.My ex use to harp on-before we had kids how he'd go out of his way to be there for his kids,unlike his own father.Well we had four and he feels seeing them more than once a fortnight is interefering with his life outside the kids:mad:

julie2710

Have to agree with Loopy and Traveller here - what a load of rubbish. I was 30 when I met my now ex and was earning more than him, had my own home - he didn't, had a better car than him, the list goes on. He provided friendship, what I thought was honesty and companionship amongst other things. We did discuss kids and even went through IVF to have them - he had to have PESA/TESA which is not undertaken lightly by blokes believe me!!! Then he cheats whilst I am expecting our 2nd son and even says he never wanted kids!!!!

Although asked on what other attributes we could add - perhaps loaded and absent for 11 and a half months a year???:rotfl: :rotfl:

Pssst

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Jeezo...that's the biggest load of crap I have read for a long while - and that is saying something on here!!!

You think women's heads are turned by a nice car or having money etc? Yes, perhaps when you are 14 but not when you are a grown up. And for the record (and welcome to the 21st century btw) women can cook and do DIY and don't 'need' a man to be able to do these things.

.

To be fair what i was suggesting was that its great if a guy can share in day to day activities and not just shlep around the house waiting for the lady to cook,clean and clear up after him. Isnt it nice to have a guy cook a nice meal for you,open a nice bottle of wine and just enjoy it together? I think it is and i really enjoy cooking. I dont expect my woman to run round after me. Also,do you really want to be the one who does all the decorating,choosing of carpets,furniture etc etc without any input from your man?

Notsosharp

Yeah my ex did all that, doesn't mean he isn't a complete p!ick!

He can be very, very charming when he wants to be, its only when he doesn't get his own way his true colours show and then he turns into a big kid who throws all his toys out of his pram. He is an idiot but most people would think he was OK....

What makes me really mad and what I find incredibly hard to swallow is because of this stupid court case I can't say a word against him because then I would be seen as the "unreasonable one". Its just not fair because there are so many things I want to say to him and the CAFCASS office but I don't think either would listen. He has more or less made my life hell for the past six years with his bullyboy tactics (hes Scottish and I am not kidding, I find it hard to listen to a scottish, male accent without shaking) and I am worried if he does win this court case it is going to make him 100x worse.

I truly believe this court thing has nothing to do with seeing his daughter and everything to do with getting control over me after me saying no to him for the first time ever. It is no exageration to say I hate the guy with a passion that is almost holy. Its just frustrating because I feel neither me or my DD are getting listened to. He will get parental responsibility and use it to have control over me.

DKLS

I raise my glass to all the single mums out there including my own Mum, for doing a marvelous job often without praise or the recognition that they so deserve.