Things they don't tell you about being a single mother

cazziebo

Notsosharp- everything you say rings so true - except the last bit. It does get better and easier - promise you!

It is so tough being a single parent - and I don't think people who haven't been in the situation appreciate just how tough it can be. I would get really p***d off with women telling me they knew exactly what it was like because their husbands occasionally worked away.. :mad: Bit different from knowing you have one income, which doesn't cover way too many bills, and no one to share that responsibility with!! However, I was often the envy of my married (happily or not - you got it in one! :T ) friends because

I never had to consult anyone - decisions were mine to make

I never had to consider anyone else

I was never let down by a selfish husband when I'm all set to go out

I had almost total influence over my children's lives

As my children grew up, my life was more my own

We could have indoor picnics, or midnight feasts without anyone thinking I was crazy

All the kids' friends thought I was really cool because our house was different

No one asked me how much anything cost

I wasn't in an unhappy relationship, and this has made me a happy, strong person

Yes - the early years are the hardest because you're never really free, and me time can be non existent. But as your children grow and become more independent, then it gets easier. Having been a single parent for 15 years out of the 18 years of parenthood, I can't imagine living any other way. We argue, fight, sulk but I do think we are much closer than we would have been otherwise.

sending you big hugs!

PositivelyCynical

Another reason why its so great just you and the kids - you can have a pink glittery xmas tree without Mr Ex putting his foot down!!!

The kids will luv it;)

Becles

Notsosharp wrote: »

That you never get Christmas cards, only final demands for bills you can't pay.

That your Ex wil never bother himself to see his DD but will take you to court after six years of not bothering demanding Parental responsibility for her anyway whilst refusing to pay anything.

That your Ex will shout at you and call you a money grabber because you dare to ask for money for new shoes.

That you get unbearably lonely and your life isn't your own any more, whilst all your friends are out you will be stuck at home on your own because you can't find a baby sitter.

That you are severely limited in the jobs you can get because you can't get decent childcare but get slagged off for not having a job anyway

That you will get lumped in with the mothers who genuinely don't get a toss because you are a single mother.

That you will feel like you are getting judged all the time, especially when nearly every newspaper you read has hysterical articles about the irresponsibility of single mothers even though you are trying your absolute best.

That your absolute best never feels good enough.

That you are being judged by all the other mothers at the school gates because they are all married (happily or not)

That there is no one to talk to at night when you have had an especially bad day with DD1.

That it doesn't get better, not ever!

I could go on!

But then when you look around and realise you worked damn hard, you brought up well mannered and educated children, you kept a roof over their heads, you clothed them, fed them, indulged them and disciplined them to make them the lovely bairns they are today, you're perfectly entitled to give a two fingered salute to anyone who doubted you and be very proud of what you've achieved :cool:

Keeping_Motivated

Notsosharp wrote: »

That you are being judged by all the other mothers at the school gates because they are all married (happily or not)

Awe I feel for you it sounds so hard and I know friends who are in similar situations but I also have friends who are single parents who do enjoy it and are settled and content with how things are.

I'm marrried but never judge anyone for being single or and a single parent, why would I so although you feel judged try and remember that NOT ALL the other mothers will be judging you.

Sending you good vibes and I hope you situation improves and you start to enjoy being a single parent more than you are now.

Take care
KM x

Raksha

When I read posts like this, I wish the government could see just how hard it is being a single parent - and then they expect single parents to go out and work as well - dont' they realise how hard it is just existing day to day and it's not always through being selfish - sometimes you are on your own because it was best for you child/ren. And having to go out to work as well just adds to the stress, which does not make things better for the kids.......

Keep your chins up folks - you are doing a great job. When those kids get a bit older, they will realise what you have given up so they can be secure and loved by at least one parent, and they will thank you for it.

I found Gingerbread a great help - meeting other single parents and arranging formal and informal social events where the children were catered for too. I only had one Christmas truely on my own, but I have the best memories, because of the friends I made through Gingerbread.

Jane and Debbie, if you're out there, Fran and David say thanks!

thatgirlsam

awww notsosharp... im a single mum too.. its so hard, i have guilty stamped on my forehead.. no matter what you do someone will pick a hole in it
-
-my ex came round to pick up ds last weekend , said wheres his coat, i was laying slumped on the sofa and said its in the cupboard... he aid 'oh ill get it while you lay there doing nothing' AAAARRRRGGGHHH-

the worst bit is the lonliness, when the kids are in bed
-
you do get used to it, how long have you been single
-

misswig

PositivelyCynical wrote: »

NotSoSharp - what you have written sounds a lot like my life right now but no matter how bad it gets always always remember that you and you dd's are all that matter and although they may be too young to understand or show it now, you will have an amazing bond with them because you and only you have cared for them and put them before your own life/happiness and in time they will show there apprieciation in their own way. When that comes it will make all the hard times dissapear.

I got that exact moment the other day when DD said to me' Mummy, I love you more than anything, even chocolate, homework and pink!!'

I have been a single mum for nearly 3.5 years now and the other day my DS(4) asked me what married meant. I told him that when a man and lady loved each other very much they get married to tell evryone. His reply had me in tears. He said- "when i grow up and get a man i will be marry you because i love you upto hte moon" He could have got away with murder that day!

I agree it is the hardest, sometimes lonliest, worrying, self doubting job there can be, but moments like that make it all so worthwhile and everything else just fades away.

schoolrunmum

Notsosharp wrote: »

That you never get Christmas cards, only final demands for bills you can't pay.

That your Ex wil never bother himself to see his DD but will take you to court after six years of not bothering demanding Parental responsibility for her anyway whilst refusing to pay anything.

That your Ex will shout at you and call you a money grabber because you dare to ask for money for new shoes.

That you get unbearably lonely and your life isn't your own any more, whilst all your friends are out you will be stuck at home on your own because you can't find a baby sitter.

That you are severely limited in the jobs you can get because you can't get decent childcare but get slagged off for not having a job anyway

That you will get lumped in with the mothers who genuinely don't get a toss because you are a single mother.

That you will feel like you are getting judged all the time, especially when nearly every newspaper you read has hysterical articles about the irresponsibility of single mothers even though you are trying your absolute best.

That your absolute best never feels good enough.

That you are being judged by all the other mothers at the school gates because they are all married (happily or not)

That there is no one to talk to at night when you have had an especially bad day with DD1.

That it doesn't get better, not ever!

I could go on!

Can't help with much else, but if you PM me your address I'll gladly send you both a card!! And no, I'm not some mad stalker type....

pinkfizz77

I could have written that post myself
It is incredibly hard being a single parent, people seem to think it's easy but they should try it, so annoying when people think they understand when they have no blooming idea

Hard things=
trying to juggle bills with minimal income
waking up alone
noone to share the good or bad times with
serious loneliness
never feeling good enough
constantly being judged (although for some reason it is different for me because I'm a widow, why???? whatever reason you are a lone parent is hard enough)
people looking down on you and assuming you are a chav who got pregnant intentionally just to get benefits and a house
no social life
feeling like you are letting your kids down
feeling stretched in a million different directions
noone to help
never being able to do right
trying to find decent childcare and a job that allows you to see your kids
the ex (nuff said really in my case)

good things=
knowing you are doing the best by your kids
all that unconditional love
having the bed to yourself
noone to argue with
noone to contradict you
being able to set and implement YOUR rules
mass cuddles in bed with all the kids
the satisfaction of knowing your kids inside out (and still loving them lol)
knowing you can cope with anything
the joy when your kid spontaneously hugs you for no reason
being able to slob out in jamas all day scoffing sweets and watching vids with the kids cos you can!!
knowing that you get to see the best of your kids all the time
knowing that you are a stronger person because of all you've been through
knowing your kids respect you (eventually lol)
being able to see that drawing on the door with crayons is showing how wonderfully creative your child is :rotfl:
knowing that every achievement is bigger because of how you've had to struggle and fight to get it

I do wish single parents hard work was given credit, I have the utmost respect for anyone raising their kids alone and recognise how hard it is

I would happily send anyone a xmas card if they'd send me one back:rolleyes:

Notsosharp

ailuro2 wrote: »

As for the married women at the school gate - they are just wary of a single woman on the loose who might steal their husband - just ignore them, they're not worth it if they can't see you for the person you are.:rolleyes:

LMAO:rotfl:have you seen the blokes at my DD's school, they have absolutely NOTHING to worry about!

Thank you so much all for all your kind words and support, they do mean a lot especially when it seems everything is just a big uphill struggle with no end in sight! I was just having a bad morning, DD was playing up and British Gas sent me a reminder for a bill I KNOW I've paid!

Thank you BIG HUGS FOR YOU ALL! :T