christmas family nightmares

nadnad

jellyhead wrote: »

If she's only 55 I think there's no real reason for you to treat her any differently to any other family member, unless she is disabled or very ill. Some illnesses seem to make relatively young people feel like a pensioner though - diabetes etc.

Christmas is nearly 4 weeks away so it's unlikely that an illness now would still be affecting her on christmas day.

If you are close to your mum and you see her a lot then you might want to invite her round to have her lunch with you, depends how you feel about it.

It's something people like me won't really understand, because my mum, MIL, grans etc. are all just as happy to see people on boxing day etc. and don't think christmas day itself is a big deal. Is this really important to her? Perhaps you could get the other relatives to agree to coming over or seeing you on boxing day, but let your mum come over to you on the day itself. Your husband might think it's favouring your mum over his family though.

no she doesnt have an illness at all she wasnt feeling well yesterday cos she had a bit of the cold! :rolleyes:

we would quite happily tell everyone to visit on christmas day, but i know she thinks we should go to her. my sister was round a wee while ago and she said she wanted to stay at home, but she was reminding me of the huge row this caused a few years ago when she tried to stay at home but told everyone they were welcome to come round to hers, and my mum went mad!! Christmas is supposed to be a happy occasion, but this is so stressful!

Zazen999

I am afraid that I have to use my catchword, which I use on DSD [11] when she has to do things she doesn't want to and that's 'Tough'.

For goodness sakes, she is behaving like a child who can't have what she wants.

Perhaps you should tell her, when she goes mad, that the naughty step is waiting for her when she gets there on Christmas day.

Triggles

You're far too nice. I would just let them rumble away. Just say "we're spending Christmas Day at home, it's time for us to start our own holiday traditions." Then tell them you can either visit them on Christmas Eve day, or Boxing Day, but Christmas Day is already spoken for. Don't let 'em guilt-trip you or you'll never be able to enjoy Christmas at home.

We've told DS (24 with wife & son) that they are welcome to join us, but if they prefer to stay home and relax over Christmas, we understand as it's a bit of a drive and expense for them. The only thing we asked was that they let us know, so we can buy extra food and such (alcohol lol) if they're coming, and get gifts sent to them in plenty of time if they are not. It'd be great to see them, but let's face it, if we can't all be together, it's not the end of the world - it's just one day. God, does that sound awful?

never_enough

Triggles wrote: »

We've told DS (24 with wife & son) that they are welcome to join us, but if they prefer to stay home and relax over Christmas, we understand as it's a bit of a drive and expense for them. The only thing we asked was that they let us know, so we can buy extra food and such (alcohol lol) if they're coming, and get gifts sent to them in plenty of time if they are not. It'd be great to see them, but let's face it, if we can't all be together, it's not the end of the world - it's just one day. God, does that sound awful?

No, not at all. I'm sure they will LOVE you (even more!) for saying that to them. If only my in-laws were so chilled.... :rolleyes:

Margaret54

Hi Lots of sense here. Please sort this out now, or you will come to dread Christmas trying to keep all happy. You and your husband and little one are entitled to do what you want and you have your own home now, so sit hubby down and decide what you both want to do and stick to it, if the rest moan, let them get on with it. I too have been pulled into this stuff and we have decided there will be no more of the nonsense. Have a lovely happy and peaceful Christmas, be strong and enjoy your little one.xx

margaretclare

I find it hard to understand your Mum. She's 55 - if she was 95 I could possibly understand her idea of 'grandchildren must be brought to see her, not the other way around', and the fact that she is 'feeling ill' with a simple cold which is what most of us get at this time of year, it's no big deal! It's not as if she was housebound, limited mobility, any of the other reasons she might legitimately have for not getting up off her a*se and coming to visit.

It reminds me a lot of what DH used to say about his Dad, after his Mum died. Dad used to complain that DH didn't visit or phone often enough, 'you're my son, it's your duty' and DH used to say 'Do you know what, it costs exactly the same to phone from yours to mine as it does from mine to yours, and it's exactly the same distance to travel'.

It looks very much as if DH will be in hospital over Christmas, getting his knee sorted out, and this is far more important than any other consideration. I have spent a Christmas in hospital myself, I've worked more Christmases than I can remember, and the only 'tradition' we have nowadays is going to the church carol service the Sunday before Christmas, and having smoked salmon and scrambled egg for Christmas morning breakfast. That's it, that's all we do.

margaretclare

It'd be great to see them, but let's face it, if we can't all be together, it's not the end of the world - it's just one day. God, does that sound awful?

My sentiments exactly. I love to see anyone who wants to come here, any day of the year. And you're right, it's not the end of the world, it's just one day. Get over it.

jellymid

Thirteen years ago, we spent Christmas with my M In L and vowed never again. We have stuck to this.
However, I wish with hindsight that we had expressed our decision 12 years ago and just stated that we had decided to start our own family tradition of spending Christmas at home without stay over visitors (house too small). This would have avoided all those uncomfortable phonecalls, awkward guilt trip conversations every September onwards. My OH is very non confrontational and just avoids all mention of Christmas.
Finally now, his mother has stopped expecting/hoping for an invite, but I feel it would have been worth the initial fuss to get the message over and avoid all the hassle and upset every year.

So I suppose what I am saying is, if you can get this sorted out now, you might just avoid years and years of grief at Christmas. Good luck, you've had lots of great advice. Have a great Christmas:beer:

jellyhead

margaretclare wrote: »

I find it hard to understand your Mum. She's 55 - if she was 95 I could possibly understand her idea of 'grandchildren must be brought to see her, not the other way around'

Or even 85 I reckon Having said that my nan is 89 and will go to her relatives at christmas - one daughter for morning and one for afternoon. She will be ferried around by sober relatives, because she can't get upstairs so she needs to be driven back to her flat every time she needs the toilet. She has 7 children, and will be visited in the morning by one son but the other 4 children will just phone her during the day and see her at some point over the christmas period.

Feeling poorly usually means my nan appreciates having her meal cooked for her, and she gets to see that grandchildren in their own homes where they have their new toys, and won't break her ornaments.

Going out to visit people seems easier than having them at your house if you're feeling ill or old.

By the way margaret your christmas breakfast sounds delicious

Triggles

We will probably pop over and visit the inlaws on Christmas Eve day (in the afternoon), and then we have invited any family/friends that would like to come to our house on Boxing Day in the afternoon (and evening if they would like). This way we can visit for a short time, without wearing out FIL who has been ill and MIL who has just had surgery and will still be a bit tired. She always has a few family members that go over to her house on Christmas, but all of them are adults with no young children. We spend Christmas day at home relaxing and enjoying the kids opening presents and such. We live close by so the inlaws will most likely come over on Boxing Day for a bit, then go home when ready. We don't have to worry about overstaying our welcome, our 2yo can play with his toys and take his nap in his own room, and our house is already childproofed so that means I can relax a little bit as well, instead of watching the little one like a hawk. :rotfl: As far as we're concerned, it works out perfectly. We don't have to arrange visiting with my family as they live abroad, and they know we can't afford to visit, especially around the holidays.