christmas family nightmares

nadnad

Pssst wrote: »

Why do you allow others to control your life? simply explain to them that you will be spending Christmas at home this year but that you will come visiting on another day be it just before or after Christmas. Dont feel guilty about it. after all,they are not feeling bad about organising YOUR life are they?

i dont think i am letting others control my life. i have felt that christmas is for families and because its just been me and OH up til now it seemed that the right thing to do was to visit everyone, even though it was a pain in the bum. now we have our little one and our new house and we think its about time we sat down for christmas, however the rest of the family will think because its the babies 1st christmas they will want to see him, and they will think it terrible that we arent visiting them. its not really about control, but family values i think.

Primrose

What to do about Christmas is always a nightmare, isn't it? For the first years of our marriage it was always a thorny question with both sets of parents automatically thinking that Christmas arrangements would always continue for them as they had done before their children got married and had homes (and minds) of their own, and we spent every year traipsing up and down motorways in Christmas traffic jams to keep them both happy. Then when we'd had enough and invited them to our place we always got the same reply from both of them along the lines "But we always spend Christmas at home". So we decided we would do the same. But as they got more frail older, we ended up spending some nightmare Christmases at their place, doing all the cooking and shopping in increasing disfunctional households. Now that they have all passed away, we're back to our favourite routine - Christmas at home. Stand your ground. Christmas is for your children. Your parents have had their turn.

r.mac_2

nadnad wrote: »

i dont think i am letting others control my life. i have felt that christmas is for families and because its just been me and OH up til now it seemed that the right thing to do was to visit everyone, even though it was a pain in the bum. now we have our little one and our new house and we think its about time we sat down for christmas, however the rest of the family will think because its the babies 1st christmas they will want to see him, and they will think it terrible that we arent visiting them. its not really about control, but family values i think.

Well - you've just answered yourself I think- yes, christmas is for families and now you are a 'new' family with your little one.

I would call the extended family and invite them to call in either on christmas eve, christmas day or boxing day as you prefer and then leave the ball in their park. If they chose not to visit, it's them that have the problem, not you.

it sounds like whatever you do, it'll not suit everyone - so do what you want. If you don't you will have set a precedent and people will expect the same every year.........

margaretclare

nadnad wrote: »

i dont think i am letting others control my life. i have felt that christmas is for families and because its just been me and OH up til now it seemed that the right thing to do was to visit everyone, even though it was a pain in the bum. now we have our little one and our new house and we think its about time we sat down for christmas, however the rest of the family will think because it's the baby's 1st christmas they will want to see him, and they will think it terrible that we aren't visiting them. its not really about control, but family values i think.

'They will want to see him (the baby)'...well, they're not being prevented from seeing him, are they? They can see him any day of the year that they choose, just not on that one day. They can come and see him, and you, any time they wish. Why do you have to be the one who does all the running around? And what's all this about having to eat huge meals without time in between to digest them - more food than you'd normally eat in a week, crammed into the one day?

'You felt that Christmas was for families'...and you mention 'family values'. Well, it seems to me that Christmas, as it has become, can be whatever you decide that it is. To some, it's still a matter of going to church. To others, it's eating vast amounts of food. To others it's spending money you haven't got - 'pressies' - because they think that's expected. To still others, like yourself, you feel bad because you've decided not to do the rushing up and down the motorway that you did formerly.

It's not about 'family values', it's about family expectations. And these can be never-ending and unfulfillable.

At this house, Christmas will hardly happen. If DH is at home we'll have the daily District Nurse's visit for his intravenous antibiotics. It's quite possible he will be in hospital having his knee put back together again over Christmas, if that doesn't get done before.

Having him alive and here with me, when he had so close an encounter with the Grim Reaper not very long ago, is the best Christmas present I could ever wish for.

skylight

Nadnad,

Have you sorted anything out with Christmas yet?? How did it all go if you have?? And of not, then when???!!!!

nadnad

oh i'm trying to build up the courage, but think shall phone sister tomorrow, see what shes doing, get all the info, then phone my mum. we were at inlaws today and i said "oh we must get our turkey ordered, think we'll get organic one", but dont think they were listening, I eyeballed OH to speak up but he's a man and dense to the inner workings of my mind at the best of times, so nothing was said. also MIL just out of hospital and didnt want her having a relapse!

hopefully it'll be sorted this time tomorrow!

belfastgirl23

Good luck. Don't be apologetic, be matter of fact. Don't listen to any c**p about it and above all do not act like someone who has done something wrong or has something to feel guilty about. You're prioritising your child. This is as it should be!

jackomdj

Good luck for tomorrow!

Just keep reminding yourself - you are not standing your ground for one day but for every year! Remind your Mum that if she is not happy she can make her own way to visit your LO on Christmas day.

Nicky

jembie

After my parents died, my 2 sisters always came to stay with me over the Christmas period. My children were just babies then and they loved having their aunties here and my sisters loved being involved with their Christmas.

When 1 sister got with her OH they started visiting us on Christmas morning for drinks/snacks and board games and then would go to his parents for dinner. I missed having her to stay but they had a life together.

When my nephew was born they tried for the first couple of years to carry on coming to mine then going to His parents but it became a chore so they decided that they would stay home for Christmas as a family. Yes I found this incredibly hard and so did my children but we accepted that my sister had her own family now as so we started going to her's for the day on Boxing day instead.

Last year was the hardest because my other sister moved in with her OH so she wouldn't be coming either. I wasn't looking forward to it with just the 3 of us so I wimped out and we went to Butlins for Christmas instead LOL!

It is a shame that your Mum can't see it as an exciting change to the way you do Christmas, that is the way I see it. When my youngest sister has a family of her own I look forward to being able to go visit her on Christmas morning (If she will have me) as my children will have grown out of it all by then no doubt (They are 14 & 16 now)

Purple_Sparkles

All this pressure and stress for just one day!

Stand your ground, don't let them bully/blackmail you into doing something you don't want to do. They expect you to go to them but not the other way round?

You have your little one to think of, why should you have to drag him/her round all day long just to please other people.

Tell them you're staying home and if they don't like it tough.

I had to deal with family like this years ago and to be honest once I'd made my decision and told them I felt better and although they complained to begin with and made a few narky comments they knew I meant what I said and they all calmed down in the end and all was well.