Should my 5 year old twins go to grandad's funeral?

debtfreein4years

i went to my first funeral when i was 9 or 10 (now 23) and have to admit it didnt bother me. it was my step great grandad if that makes sense, i knew he had died and that he had been poorly, but all i remember is being more annoyed that my brother (6) was allowed to take a colouring book and crayons to keep him quiet and i wasnt allowed anything.

the next one i went to i was 15, my next door neighbour was 8 and had died after being knocked off his bike. that i was devastated at, i can still remember vividly to this day staying up all night and finally finding out he had been declared brain dead. i stupidly went into school the next day and didnt even make it to my first lesson and was sent home. the funeral was lovely, the family were insistent that it was a celebration and we were told to wear bright clothes and it was lovely way to remember him.

the one after that was 5 months later and was even worse as i had spent alot of my childhood with him. i can remeber sitting on the sofa whilst a neighbour came in and told my mum and my mum practically flying out the house to go and comfort her friend. that funeral was one of the hardest ive had to attend cause i remembered so much from when we were younger and the havoc we used to cause in the summer.

been to 3 more including my own granddads and i admit i went into work the next day as it was the best thing for me. ok, so i sat in the corner and spent the day crying but for me it was better to be in work doing something even if it was just pushing paper than to be at home doing nothing. the funeral for that was exremly hard as my mum was devastated and ended up going out through the middle of the service as she was ill and it was made worse by the fact that my brother had gastric flu and couldnt even get out of bed to attend the funeral.

ive found that if you go to funerals when you are younger it gives you more of an understanding of what life is all about and that you are not likely to be as devastated when an older person passes as you are when a younger person passes as you realise that life has been lived and is to be celebrated.

Girlzmum

My uncle died very suddenly last year, my dad rang and asked me to go over to my grandparents as he was in England and trying to get home. There was noone to look after my girls so I brought them with me, they were 5 and 2 at the time, I explained that people were very sad because he had gone to heaven and that people may be crying. My granny broke down shortly after we arrived and I went with her to try to help and when I was away my granda started crying - we have never seen him crying and everyone was stumped as to what to do, except my 5 year old who walked up and put her arms round him and let him cry. It was my 2 year old who helped granny talk about my uncle and made her smile. I was so proud of my children who knew more about how to deal with my greiving grandparents than any adults did.

miaoww

havent read all of the thread but myson came to my father in laws funeral - he was ill fo a while but the main thing about the day was that my mum and da came to and they basically looked after him in the sevice - my dad explained what was happening to him about grampy being in the coffin and then going into the ground and that we all sung songs for him, and why mummy and daddy and people were sad and he was a little upset as was everyone but by the afternoon he gave his nan a big kiss before we left. Hes dealt with it all ok - i think if you do decided that they are coming you dont want to stress about looking after them and someone who you can trust to look after them in this kind of situation - at the end of the day is something we cant protect them from its a part of life they will have to experiance it at some point if its not now

glenstan

my dd was 7 when my father died i though i was protecting her by sending her to school on the day of his funeral, she still to this day does not forgive me for not letting her go, she is now 34. DD says she can remember watching the clock knowing everyone would be there to say goodbye and she was not allowed to. She has vivid memories of her grandad and when recounting tales, always ends saying but i was not allowed to say goodbye. If i had the time over again i would definitly have let her go

Pooky23

It's very much a personal choice as it will depend on your children and how you think they will cope. Mine ( 9 & 7 ) recently attended the church funeral of their Great Grandad as they were close to him. They coped amazingly and I am so pleased that I let them have the opportunity to say goodbye. Yes, there were a few tears from my eldest, but there were also smiles as we remembered the good times. My youngest was very matter-of-fact about the day but she understood what was going on as we had talked about what would happen so they had a good idea of what to expect. They knew Mummy might cry, so weren't upset when I was moved to tears.

Whether they come to the next funeral will depend on who it is and whether they were close, what type of service it was to be. For example, I don't think I would take them to a crematoriam.

They were not scared by their experience and we still talk about Great Grandad every day. We will also visit his grave next time we are in the area.

Do what you feel is right for you and your children as you know them best.

listerofsmeg_2

I went to my grandad's funeral when I was five. To this day, I have a great fear of cremation!

I found it traumatic when I saw the coffin go into the doors and not come out again.

However, the actual service was fine, I don't really remember so it can't have scared me that much.

So I guess what I'm saying, is take them to the service, but not the cremation/burial.

breezeblock

purple_82 wrote: »

How I see it, children are children. Yes death is part of life's cycle but children do not need to attend a funeral to say good bye. Children do not have the emotional capacity to understand adults grief and trying to deal with their own grief as well would/is far to harrowing.

When my children's father died, I was pregnant with our second and my son was 2.5. By the time we were allowed to bury him, my daughter had been born and was around 3 weeks old. My son did not attend the funeral but I did take my daughter (only because I was breastfeeding)

My son doesn't remember anything about it but surprisingly remembers his daddy. Even at 10 and 7 now, I wouldn't allow them to go to a funeral, but do something special with them to say goodbye to our loved ones.

Maybe I am selfish? My children know about funerals and what happens and they know why they don't go to them. They will go to many funerals as they get older, so I don't think they need to experience this as children.

not selfish, sensible and caring.

CiciBaltimore

DonnaP wrote: »

Hi

What do people think I should do? My DD's were quite close to their Grandad, but they are only 5 years old. My feeling is that its best they don't go as they are very young to really understand, but has anyone had experience of this?

Many thanks

Donna

i say no, dont take them. children can learn about death withiout being at a funneral at a young age as 5. what good does it do for young children to see all the people they care about crying and wailing? no, not good place for child.

LillyJ

Can you ask them? I was 5 when my best friend died (sadly of cancer, she was only 5 too). My Mum asked me if I wanted to go. I said no, and remember being glad she hadn't taken me because I really didn't want to go.
My Mum and me had a "remembering day" instead when we went to places that were special to her and I drew pictures to give to her parents.

I also didn't go to my Grandad's funeral when I was 3 years old - he died suddenly in his 50's but we lived abroad at the time and it was too much for us to take a 12 hours flight to go to the funeral, so just my Dad went.

I'm so glad I didn't, as I still haven't seen my Dad cry at age 24, and hope I never have to. a

fran-o

interesting thread because lots of people have strong opinions. First funeral I attended was age 14, an auntie i was v close to. I remember feeling really nervous about what a funeral would be like and was very upset. I almost feel it would have been easier if i had gone to great gran's funeral a few years before as it would have been an 'easier' first funeral as she was in her nineties and more distant. Don't begrudge my parent's decision though!

my sister in law is in her twenties but has learning difficulties which makes dealing with funerals harder. When we went to a recent funeral, the family invited a family friend to be with her so that if she needed to leave the service or got distressed, there was someone there who could be strong. It gave the family he space to grieve without having to worry so much about her needs just for one afternoon. If you have a generous friend it is an option.