Should my 5 year old twins go to grandad's funeral?

surreysaver

I wasn't asked if I wanted to go to my Great-Grandma's funeral when I was 5, and had to go to school. To this day I object to that fact. You should discuss it with your children, taking their view into account before making any decision.

bumblebee87_2

my mum died suddenly in april when my DD was 19 months old. the two of them were very close and we had only been together the day before she died (no forewarning, she wasnt ill, just died the next morning) DD was not allowed to go to the funeral, as i felt i needed to be there for my brother and sister (16 and 12) however she did come to the wake, where she met 2 uncles for the first time, and actually brought a bit of light hearted fun to a very difficult day.

i didnt attend a funeral until i was 16, but understood death from a young age. i think you know your children best, and if they could cope with the situation they should be given the choice. you also have to think about whether you will be able to cope with them at that time. when my mum died DD went to stay with her aunt for a week (i did see her everyday) as i would get very snappy with her, and i dont think she could understand why.

Bargain_Rzl

Kaz2904 wrote: »

You have to ask yourself what your children understand about death and how awful death is.

I've never understood death to be "awful" - not at age 3 when my grandad died, and not now. As you went on to say in your next paragraph, it's part of life and it happens to everybody and I've always been very matter of fact about it.

Do you mean awful in terms of the pain of bereavement?

clairec79

I gave my children (7 and 6) the choice. They decided to go to school - I think the main reason the eldest gave was because other people would be crying and she wanted to remember the good times.

They did go to the end of the funeral tea though

skylight

I went to my first funeral mid-20's. And I didn't know what to expect. I am 34 and am very, very lucky enough to still have both original sets of grand-parents going more or less strongly!

Its going to be horrible for me when they do start to go. And as to whether or not I take my kids will depend on their ages and how "mature" they actually are. The 6yo is at that age where she understands these things, but the 4yo is not. It really depends on the child, how you feel about it and how they feel about it too.

I was not included in the decision to go to a great-aunts funeral when I was 9, I was sent to school and it was treated as any other day for me. If it had been a closer relative then even at 9 I would have created merry hell to be able to go.

blackcoffee

I think it comes down to how you deal with grief yourself. As a mum I would not want to see my childern distressed and practically every funeral i have been to, has been to someone extremely close to me, where I have been broken hearted at the loss. (my grampa, My nana, my best friend and my uncle)

I could not put my children through seeing me upset, I want to formost protect them, so in my case, No, 5 is to young, and it is highly likely they are going to see one of thier parents upset.

I think in the case of young children, sometimes we have no choice, and it is difficult what to do, when my best friend died, my cousin agreed to look after my 2 for the service, (they were 2 1/2 and 4 months old. There was no way i could take them with me, I was an absolute mess, and out of respect to her parents it would so of been unappropriate, however they did come to the tea & gathering afterwards, at the request of my best fiends mother. My cousin should of been at the funeral, however offered her babyitting services for me to go.

I would prefer to take them afterwards, in private and fully explain where thier grampa is.

thinking of you op.

sammie383

I am sorry to hearof your loss, and do hope youv made a decision now.

I personally think it depends entirely on the children, and also on the NOK's wishes.

My Grandma died when I was 3 - and I am not sure if I went to her funeral or not, My Uncle ( who I hardly knew ) dies when I was around 8-9, and I think I went to the wake, but didnt actually attend the funeral.

Onto the ones I have attended - My papa died when I was 14 and I chose to go to his funeral myself as we were very close. However I declined when asked if I wanted to go and see him before the coffin was shut. I can remeber throwing a rose onto his coffin, and it helped me say goodbye.

My mum passed away just 4 weeks later and I had to arrange that funeral myself. I went of course, but didnt cry, couldn't bring myself to, I think I was still in shock, and even now 5 years on I am grieving alot for her.

I then went to a friends fathers funeral to support him, just 6 months later and that was hard, because I hadn't known his father very long, but I went as a friend and supported him.

As said previously it all depends on the individual circumstances, and I do hope the OP is ok x

Mely

Please dont let your twins go to the funeral...they are FAR too young to deal with everything that it involves. All the grief there etc. The whole funeral process could deeply upset them, and like another poster has said it scarred her for life going to a funeral as a child. I would DEFINATELY not even have considered letting any of my children go at that age. You need to discuss what has happened and answer any questions they may have.
Best wishes xxxxxx

fudgecat

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but in less urbanised communities children grow up with, and live alongside, birth death and fertility - often in much more graphic detail than attending a funeral. I think there is a danger than we overprotect children - but also ourselves - from these events, so birth and death happen in hospital - over there, away from normal life. Can we truly say that children from all over the world who witness these events routinely are all traumatised?
My children saw their grandfather collapse and die in front of them. The older one, just 12, had done a first aid course at school and helped me administer first aid until the ambulance arrived. They attended the funeral and saw many people, including me, distressed. We discussed the events with them both. They were upset, obviously, but no long term trauma.
The oldest one had also been able to hold her baby sister just minutes after birth when she came to the bedroom door to see what all the noise was about (no- she did not witness it) because I opted for a homebirth. She attended the christening. She was therefore able to see that both birth, death and the ceremonies that accompany them are events which are part of "normal life".
You know your children and their likely reaction, so your decision will be based on this knowledge, but beware of overprotection.
On the subject of child behaviour at various ceremonies, I attended a friend`s Sikh wedding and believe me it goes on for hours! I was struck by the generally good behaviour of the many children attending, and the tolerance of the adults if this slipped momentarily. Something for us to emulate? Yes, I took my children.
Best wishes with your decision.

space_rider

My children were quite young when their first grandparent died. They were 5 and 2 so they didn`t go. When their uncle died a couple of years later they all went to the funeral. The eldest sobbed the whole way through as she was quite close to him and my then 5 year old didn`t. Because everyone was upset she thought she would be the brave one. When their last Grandparent on their fathers side died about 3 years ago none of them attended as it was a cremation. They did a composed reading between them which was read out by their father.

I`m actually of West Indian parentage and when I was younger I always went to funerals as they were seen as a celebration, which went back to the days of slavery as the deceased was then finally free. My children were quite surprised at the difference in the funerals when they went to my Grandads funeral. It would not have been acceptable to my Granma for my children to not attend. I did make sure that they didn`t sit too close to the front as they tend to have open coffins. This I don`t particularly like.

I had a young friend die 2 years ago and my youngest daughter was very close to her. She was 6 at the time. I gave her the choice and she chose not to go to the funeral. Every night as long as there are stars in the sky she says goodnight to her. She is always the brightest star.