Should my 5 year old twins go to grandad's funeral?

galvanizersbaby

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Personally I think it's terrible to feel that children can't see the adults in their lives cry - it's important for them to know that mummy or daddy can be sad too and in their own small way they can be the magic that takes away some of the sadness.

I don't think it is that terrible I think it depends why the adults in their life are crying - in a funeral type situation it would be relatively easy to explain depending on how able you were to do that at that particular time but I can think of lots of instances where I have been crying and there is no way I could have/ should have explained to the children why I was upset.

I agree that they can take away some of the sadness for the adults but I wouldnt want that at the cost of their pain and confusion

galvanizersbaby

DonnaP wrote: »

If your mother's still alive I'd ask her which she'd prefer. In this situation her wishes should be paramount.

It's my OH's Dad who has died and I can't ask his mum as she died 13 years ago.

It's a very difficult situation and I know if it was my Mum or Dad's funeral I think they should be there. But my OH doesn't want them to go. At his Mum's funeral he broke down at the graveside and if he does this with his Dad (which I think likely) then it would traumatise my DD's.

The family situation is complicated as a lot of people are my FIL's new family and not 'our' family as such and aren't known to my DD's.

My DD's friends have asked them to go for tea after school that day and I think that might be best. A little while later we can go and put some flowers on the grave, when we feel emotionally stronger.

I also think it might be difficult for them to see the coffin go in the ground. They are bright girls and will not understand why he is not in heaven, but in the ground. At 5 it is so hard to understand.

Thanks so much for the comments - it has helped me make up my mind.

Donnax

Donna I think this question would have come up for my DD too and I recall asking my own mother this as a child when my grandmother died.
I am glad everyones comments have helped you x

brightonman123

maybe take them to grave (if any), after the crowds/strangers are gone..

but definately treat them to a takeaway or similar afterwards, to help take the pain away (for you, too?)

Bargain_Rzl

I remember my grandad's funeral which was when I was 3, and I don't recall being upset by it at all. I remember a big gathering round my grannie's house first, then a service. I just accepted it. The death had been quite sudden - he'd dropped dead of a heart attack at 59.

That's not to say it would be right for your twins - but just sharing my experience.

Oldernotwiser

brightonman123 wrote: »

but definately treat them to a takeaway or similar afterwards, to help take the pain away (for you, too?)

That's a joke, right?

angie_baby

I took DS to his grans when he was 2 1/2. OK he didnt understand but he helped me greatly to stay in control. The priest even made joke about him as he kept playing with the bibles. At that point i was ready to break but after that i managed to smile and cope somehow. Maybe a bit selfish but i think my mum would of wanted him there too. DS is now nearly 7 and i would still take him to a funeral of close family.

niccy

i haven't read all the replys but our twins went to their grandads funeral, and throughly enjoyed it:o

Makes them feel a part of it.

Nothing disrepectful.

something extra to remember grandad by.

met a lot of family

Kids are lovely aren't they ( owner of 8:eek: )

ginvzt

niccy wrote: »

met a lot of family

That is one thing I remember from all the funerals I went as a child, and there was no discussion in our family if children should attend the wedding - we always did. Except for my sister at my grandad's funeral when she was2 months old, and me at my greatgrandma's funeral as I was in bed with flu and fever of 39C!

It wasn't a happy occasion, but loved meeting all my aunts and uncles and the more distant ones as well. I have very fond memories of some of my relatives, some of which I only saw at funerals.

seven-day-weekend

My son was five when his Grandad died and he didn't go to the funeral as my m-i-l thought he was too young and it was not the time or place to argue with her,we had to respect her wishes.

He was really upset about it and said he'd really wanted to go to say 'bye bye' to his Grandad. If ever the subject comes up now he still says he should have gone - he's now nearly 29!

So, I personally would take them (I would have taken my son if m-i-l had not have nminded).

seven-day-weekend

DonnaP wrote: »

The body in the coffin is only the shell we have used to live in on earth. The spirit and the personality (the real Grandad) that we know is already a shining star in the nights sky. In heaven.

I realise this but I'm not 5 years old.

Many thanks for everyones comments.

I'm sure 5 year olds would be capable of understanding this if you explained it to them.

However, it has to be your family's decision that you feel comfortable with,.