Should my 5 year old twins go to grandad's funeral?

Becles

My son was 3 when my Grandad died. We used to go over every Monday for lunch and stay for the afternoon. My Grandad loved his garden and had just set up a new greenhouse and filled it with tomato plants shortly before his death which my son had helped with.

I explained to my son what would happen at the funeral and he seemed to take it all in his stride. I whispered when the coffin was ready to go through the curtains at the crem that it was time to say his final goodbyes. He said in a big loud voice "bye bye Grandad. Don't worry about the tomatoes. I'll pick them for you" which made everyone smile.

My boys are 11 and 9 now and had to deal with my Gran's death in August this year, and both attended the funeral.

I think it helps them deal with death and understand it's a part of life and it's not a scary thing. I know this sounds morbid but you never know what is around the corner.

We've just been through a difficult time as a 10 year old girl at school died of an asthma attack. Some of the children in school went to the funeral, and some of the older ones including my 9 year old son sang her favourite songs.

It's up to you though and how both you and the children feel about it.

gibboelli

Have you thought about asking them? At 5 I think they understand perfectly whats going on and can make their own decision if you fully explain what the funeral entails

belfastgirl23

I think it's probably good for them to go as well but I do agree with Gobbelli too that you should have a chat with them to see how they feel. Rikki is also right in that it's important to talk them through everything and make sure they understand what they're doing. you sound collected enough to explain to them in a reasonable way what's happening - I suspect the posters above who had very bad experiences just weren't supported properly to attend. I think it's also worth having an emergency plan in place about who would take them outside etc if they become very disruptive (little ones often have trouble sitting still for long).

Personally I think it's terrible to feel that children can't see the adults in their lives cry - it's important for them to know that mummy or daddy can be sad too and in their own small way they can be the magic that takes away some of the sadness.

moneypooh

When my Dad died my youngest was 3 and certainly didn't quite understand what was going on so he didn't go. My eldest was 6 and she did go. I've just talked to her about it and she was very glad that she did go. It helped her say goodbye and also made her feel like she wasn't alone being upset that he had gone.

She has thanked us in the past and that she did experience this even though she was so young.

It is part of life, and they do appreciate being part of the final goodbye.

nottslass_2

DS was nearly 3 when he went to his granddads funeral,admittedly the service was more geared to a "celebration of his life" with his favourite music etc,DS stood on his chair clapping, smiling, and "singing" - exactly like his granddad would have loved. About halfway through the service he simply said "funny Granddad(his name for him) gone now"

Personally, I think children can be alot more accepting and matter of fact about the whole life /death thing than we give them credit for, and they do not think it is something to be frightened of.

clairehi

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If your mother's still alive I'd ask her which she'd prefer. In this situation her wishes should be paramount.

I agree with this 100%

Personally have done both (take children/leave behind) for grandparents funerals, we went with the wishes of the bereaved spouse.

children can be a happy distraction, but it can also be very painful for them to attend such a sad event. it can also be especially hard for the grownups if the children do get distressed.

becs

I would say not to take them. 5 is very young to be exposed to that intense grief. Of course it is absoloutely different if it is a parent as in sarymcary's case but why is it wrong to try and protect children from that kind of pain when they're so young. Life will give them more than enough terrible experiences. I think the idea of doing something special as a family in a nice calm atmosphere like releasing the balloons is a far better way of dealing with things. It also allows you or your partner to grieve for their parent without having to worry about upsetting your children at the funeral.
I was 11 when I went to my grandads funeral and it was dreadful, to see my dad cry and my mum in pieces upset me far more than the death of my grandad.
As others say only you know your children and how they would be but don't forget you or your partner in the equation. If either of you are going to be visibly very upset how would your children feel then?

hippychick1

When I was 8 my grandad passed away, and me and my brothers weren't even told until after the funeral. Looking back now, I can see everyone was just so upset, and needed to accept it themselves before involving us children. However, I was distraught and angry at the time, and still feel very strongly it was not the right thing for my mum to have done.

My mum passed away in June this year, having been ill for a long time. My three children 5, 2 and 7 months all came to the funeral. My five year old was asked if he felt ok about coming, and was given the option to stay at home, but he wanted to come, because he said 'it was for Grandma'.

DonnaP

If your mother's still alive I'd ask her which she'd prefer. In this situation her wishes should be paramount.

It's my OH's Dad who has died and I can't ask his mum as she died 13 years ago.

It's a very difficult situation and I know if it was my Mum or Dad's funeral I think they should be there. But my OH doesn't want them to go. At his Mum's funeral he broke down at the graveside and if he does this with his Dad (which I think likely) then it would traumatise my DD's.

The family situation is complicated as a lot of people are my FIL's new family and not 'our' family as such and aren't known to my DD's.

My DD's friends have asked them to go for tea after school that day and I think that might be best. A little while later we can go and put some flowers on the grave, when we feel emotionally stronger.

I also think it might be difficult for them to see the coffin go in the ground. They are bright girls and will not understand why he is not in heaven, but in the ground. At 5 it is so hard to understand.

Thanks so much for the comments - it has helped me make up my mind.

Donnax

Rikki

You can explain to children that adults do cry. Its nothing to be ashamed of.

If the children have been told what to expect I don't see a problem.
I certainly wouldn't take a child to a funeral and not mention people will cry and will be a little upset. I would tell the children this is only natural and your Mum and Dad will probably cry too.


A child's ignorance about what is going to happen is what makes it a frightening experience.