Should my 5 year old twins go to grandad's funeral?

Stargirl_3

This is a question that has also come up for me recently. My son is seriously ill and it is looking very likely he will not survive and so I am unsure as to whether his 7 year old sister should be at the funeral.

I would not have a problem with her being there to say goodbye to her brother, but from a purely selfish point of view, I am going to be of no use to offer anyone any comfort and that of course is what she will need, which is my main reason for thinking her staying away is best.

Rikki

Stargirl wrote: »

This is a question that has also come up for me recently. My son is seriously ill and it is looking very likely he will not survive and so I am unsure as to whether his 7 year old sister should be at the funeral.

I would not have a problem with her being there to say goodbye to her brother, but from a purely selfish point of view, I am going to be of no use to offer anyone any comfort and that of course is what she will need, which is my main reason for thinking her staying away is best.

She will be grieving too.
Its something you are going through together and don't think of it as you not being any use to her but more as a shred moment of total togetherness though your joint loss.

You are not going to be without emotion and tears before the funeral and she will see and share that. Don't push her away at a time when she will need the support of her Mum for she has lost her brother and is heart broken like you.

I hope you have a lot more time with your son before you have to make any difficult decisions.

mrcow

Really sorry to hear that Stargirl. I hope that you don't ever have to make that decision and am thinking of you and your family.

eyelinerprincess

Sends massive hugs to Stargirl.

I went to my grandmother's funeral when I was...must have been fifteen, and I remember my cousin being annoyed that he wasn't going to say goodbye to his papa, although I think some of his annoyance stemmed from the fact that his kid sister (just turned one) was allowed to go.

cassy

looking on the other side of it, if kids dont go what will their little minds think if why they dont see the person anymore, ok you can explain it to them but they may not believe or understand the process

i went to a my grandads funeral when i was 7 and my parents thought i was too young but they gave me the option, im glad i went but my biggest memory from the day was my nan gripping the coffin sobbing uncontroably
but i only have fond memories of my grandad and not from that day

IMO take them if you think they can handle it

ClareEmily

My grandad died when I was 5 I remember being upset being told, but I didn't go to the funeral, but also didn't question why i didn't go either. I didn't see my dad cry until quite recently.

I think in life you will attend far too many funerals, and I actually attended my first one only a couple of year's ago.

Also when you are grieving the last thing you want is young children talking or running around the church, when my colleague died it really annoyed me when another colleague bought her young child into the service and spent the entire time cooing at her.

But like others have said it is a personal choice and my gut feeling is it will be nice for them to say their goodbyes.

Rikki

Children shouldn't be running around in church at any service!

ClareEmily

Rikki wrote: »

Children shouldn't be running around in church at any service!

I agree and one look from my dad and I would sit there as quiet as a mouse.

But have been to wedding, christening and funeral with children misbehaving arghhhh

Rikki

ClareEmily wrote: »

I agree and one look from my dad and I would sit there as quiet as a mouse.

But have been to wedding, christening and funeral with children misbehaving arghhhh

There's something about that look. You only needed the one. :rotfl:

Kaz2904

My DD was 17 months when my Grandad died. He lived 400 miles from us but I had to get there to support my mother. There was no way I was leaving DD for that amountof time but I was not going to leave my mother to dfrink herself into a stupor either. Luckily I had 2 days off work and my ward manager gaveme 2 days compassionate leave when I explained the (full) circumstances to her.
We explained to DD that Granddad had been really poorly sick and needed to go bye byes for now. We also said that she wouldn't be able to see him any more except here (heart) and here (photos).
We then explained that we had to go on a long journey to Grandads house to say bye bye and that Daddy was going to take her out to play while Mummy and all the other grown ups said a special very sad night night granddad.

We told her that then she could come and dsay night night and bye bye to grandad but that the grown ups who had been his babies needed to say a different night night.

DD knows what death is (as much as is comprehensible) because DH's Dad died and the grandchildren planted a tree fpor him. Also because I'm a nurse and they hear me talking about death and people who have died.


My major thing is that you always treat the neasrest and dearest with the utmost respect. If it had been DH's family who had gone then I would have done as he wished.

However when his Aunty died and there were issues with her care etc and his (much older) brother and mother said they were not going to travel to her funeral, I said that I would go with him and wait in the car with the children.
His view was that he shouldn't go because they weren't but I said he had to go because she was his Aunty and he loved her. When the others heard me say that and heard the plan they all went up.

You have to ask yourself what your children understand about death and how awful death is.

Being a nurse and having been present at lots and lots of deaths, I always explain that there is nothing to be afraid of.


(Please feel free to disagree I don't wish to cause any offence at all)