Should my 5 year old twins go to grandad's funeral?

Rikki

DonnaP wrote: »

If your mother's still alive I'd ask her which she'd prefer. In this situation her wishes should be paramount.

It's my OH's Dad who has died and I can't ask his mum as she died 13 years ago.

It's a very difficult situation and I know if it was my Mum or Dad's funeral I think they should be there. But my OH doesn't want them to go. At his Mum's funeral he broke down at the graveside and if he does this with his Dad (which I think likely) then it would traumatise my DD's.

The family situation is complicated as a lot of people are my FIL's new family and not 'our' family as such and aren't known to my DD's.

My DD's friends have asked them to go for tea after school that day and I think that might be best. A little while later we can go and put some flowers on the grave, when we feel emotionally stronger.

I also think it might be difficult for them to see the coffin go in the ground. They are bright girls and will not understand why he is not in heaven, but in the ground. At 5 it is so hard to understand.

Thanks so much for the comments - it has helped me make up my mind.

Donnax

The body in the coffin is only the shell we have used to live in on earth. The spirit and the personality (the real Grandad) that we know is already a shining star in the nights sky. In heaven.

Explain about Daddy crying. Its because he's sad. If they know what to expect its will be easier.

Have you talked to them about their Grandad dying?
Asked them if they would like to go and sing special hymns and listen to people tell stories about what their Grandad was like.

DonnaP

The body in the coffin is only the shell we have used to live in on earth. The spirit and the personality (the real Grandad) that we know is already a shining star in the nights sky. In heaven.

I realise this but I'm not 5 years old.

Many thanks for everyones comments.

mrcow

DonnaP wrote: »

It's a very difficult situation and I know if it was my Mum or Dad's funeral I think they should be there. But my OH doesn't want them to go. At his Mum's funeral he broke down at the graveside and if he does this with his Dad (which I think likely) then it would traumatise my DD's.

Then perhaps you have an answer there. I think every situation is different and if circumstances were different then perhaps you'd 100% be taking them. Seeing their Dad so upset will be very upsetting to say the least. I remember vividly seeing my Grandad breaking down at his wife's grave at her funeral and it's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever experienced, even though it was now 22 years ago, I can remember it clearly.

The idea about them being at the wake is a good one though and you can take them yourselves afterwards to the graveside to see the flowers in your own time. There are lots of ways to help say goodbye. It's going to be a terrible day for your OH as it is. He needs to feel that his wishes are being respected.......even if you disagree with them. The day is going to be stressful enough.

I personally think taking them to the funeral would have been a good idea if it wasn't for the fact that your OH doesn't want them to go.

Rikki

DonnaP wrote: »

The body in the coffin is only the shell we have used to live in on earth. The spirit and the personality (the real Grandad) that we know is already a shining star in the nights sky. In heaven.

I realise this but I'm not 5 years old.

Many thanks for everyones comments.

This what worked for my son when his Great Grandad died when he was five. You have to say it in a way that helps them to understand. At five they understand a lot more than we give them credit for.

corsagirl_2

My niece was almost 2 when my dad died, there was no option of her not going, its' what my dad would have wanted, his special girl being there. I'm not sure she would have understood, but who knows. She just wanted to get up during service, and was entertained by sweets and my mobile..on silent just!!

To be honest she was the one that kept me going that day, and at the wake she was the only child amongst 30 and revelled in it.

I often point to photos of him now and she tells me it is Grandad and he is a long way away now and I tell her how much he loved her.

At that the end of the day you have to do what is right for you, your OH and her.

I'm off now as close to tears. Thinking off you at this sad time x

Sailor_Sam

Everybody has their own ideas, what is right for one, is not suited to another. I think the idea about balloons was great.
It's nearly two years since my mum died, i have two nieces who were 4 and 6. We took the elder one to the crem, just before the coffin went through the curtains the vicar lifted my niece to put a single flower on it, he told her, that her nan was now going to heaven.
The following day we went back to bury my mums ashes, i was sitting in the car with my younger niece and she asked me as we drove in through the gates, "is this nannys heaven".
I think you should take them, i think they would be more upset if someone that they love had just dissappeared.

Oldernotwiser

DonnaP wrote: »

But my OH doesn't want them to go. At his Mum's funeral he broke down at the graveside and if he does this with his Dad (which I think likely) then it would traumatise my DD's.

I think you've answered your own question right there. If there's no surviving spouse then it's what your OH wants that matters most.

kazmc

My DD was 5 when my dad died. He was in a hospice and all the grandchildren got to see the inhouse kids councillor shortly before my dad died just to make sure they were all ok.
I asked the councillor if he advised that my DD go to the funeral and he said definitely yes. He said if they dont go they do not feel a part of the family and left out and scared of the unknown.
I took my DD and she walked behind the coffin and understood everything that was going on. I personally think I definitely made the right choice.
Unfortunately its a part of life that they shouldnt be scared of.
Good luck whatever decision you come to.

poet123

It is a very personal decision. When my father dieD my mother was adamant that the children should go to school as normal and not be at the funeral. She believed passionately in the innocence of childhood, and that as parents we should protect them as much as possible fronm the harsh realities of life, for as long as possible.

When she died years later, we had another young child and so again we respected her wishes and sent him to school,whilst the older ones attended. I was so glad we did,as my older kids who were late teens were distraught,as was I, and my husband,and the younger one would have been bewildered by his family being so upset.

Also tbh I had enough to cope with, with the grief of 3 kids and my own,and couldnt really have dealt with any more on that day. Everyone is differnt though,but if your OH has expressed a view then I would go with that.

Loz01

I would say no. The whole funeral setting is the ultimate place for grief - people crying, sobbing, hugging and completely distraught (in my experience of funerals) - I would think its much better to take them to the wake/gathering afterwards, as the same people will still be there (ie, they can still see family members) but it is a more relaxed setting with a bit of food etc and people may be recounting happier memories of whoever has died, which is much better to deal with - esp when you're only 5. Also as someone else said, they will probs provide a welcome distraction for other adults and may cheer them up a bit.