Should my 5 year old twins go to grandad's funeral?

lowis

My grandad died when i was 6 and my parents didn't take me to the funeral...and i wish they had (34 years later I still feel a bit annoyed I didnl;t get to go!). Even at the time I remember feeling 'left out' and confused, I knew something important had happened to my Grandad and I remember wondering why my Nan was sad and crying.

Not quite the same but when my dog died (I was 8) I was also 'shielded' from the truth and I also remember feeling very confused about that too.

Personally I would take the children, death is part of life and they have to understand it at some point.

Rikki

When people say children will find it too distressing.

Children are influence by the lessons we teach them. If things are explained simply and light heartedly I can't see why children should be so upset. Children ask great question and at times help the adults to cope. Look at it through the innocence eyes of child and talk to them on their level.

I have talked both my children through each funeral they have been to.

I wonder if in later years the children will ask why were they not allowed to say goodbye.....................

galvanizersbaby

Rikki wrote: »

When people say children will find it too distressing.

Children are influence by the lessons we teach them. If things are explained simply and light heartedly I can't see why children should be so upset. Children ask great question and at times help the adults to cope. Look at it through the innocence eyes of child and talk to them on their level.

I have talked both my children through each funeral they have been to.

I wonder if in later years the children will ask why were they not allowed to say goodbye.....................

I think it depends on the child really and I guess that's up to the parent to gauge.

I know my 4 year old daughter would have been very distressed and disturbed to see her daddy crying (this is something she hasn't ever witnessed before)

I do hope she will not have been damaged by not seeing her grandmother being buried - she understands that she is in heaven and that she won't see Granny again and she accepts that.

I think death is something you have to talk through with the child whether they attend the funeral or not - unfortunately it's part and parcel of life

Rikki

That made me cry.

My youngest (No2 son)was twenty months old at his Grandad's funeral, he too said 'Grandad's gone now'.

A few years earlier No1 sons Great Grandad died. My son was six and he made his Great Gran proud as he knew the Lords Prayer and you could hear him saying it.

You decide what is best for your children as only you know how they cope with different situations.

galvanizersbaby

Rikki wrote: »

That made me cry.

My youngest (No2 son)was twenty months old at his Grandad's funeral, he too said 'Grandad's gone now'.


Bless him!

My daughter has enquired as to whether there are any toys for Granny to play with in heaven and we have explained that Granny will have everything she could possibly need there.:)
However when DD attempted to start planning a visit to heaven (it was on her list of places to see along with Disneyland Paris and Drusilla's) we had to explain that we wouldn't be able to see Granny again but we would always remember her and she would always remember us

It's really tricky to know what the right thing is to say!

Oldernotwiser

If your mother's still alive I'd ask her which she'd prefer. In this situation her wishes should be paramount.

Rikki

My youngest now nearly fourteen still says why/how each family member died. It still makes me smile.

Grandad forgot to wake up...........
Great Gran was old..............
Auntie was poorly ............

They are now all stars in the night sky and often when we look up they are smiling down at us.

sarymclary

I wasn't allowed to go to my grandad's funeral, when I was 5, and I was always angry that I was sidelined. I thought I should have been given the chance to say goodbye like everyone else - it was like the grown ups had decided their grief was more important than mine. In fact, seeing them get upset may have helped me understand that we were all upset he had died.

When my children's great grandparents died I wasn't allowed to take my own children at the request of their grandparents, but they are emotionally crippled people anyway (they'd have rather not attended themselves if they could have got away with it), however I would have liked them to attend.

When my husband died, my children were 3, 6, 10 & 12. I was insistent that they have as much involvement as they felt capable of. They chose songs to be played, they were told what was going to happen on the day in reasonable detail (that they could understand) so there were no surprises. Yes I cried - alot! My children do not see me cry usually, so it was a first for my youngest 2 in particular. My youngest said afterwards 'oh Mummy, you cried the most out of everyone!' My eldest was unable to cry after his father's death, but said the funeral helped him to deal things better, and they are all grateful that I allowed them the opportunity, and what I felt was their right, to say goodbye properly. None of them were frightened by events, and since it was a burial they were able to say prayers at the graveside, and throw earth onto the coffin.

Funerals are never nice things to have to attend, but I think the longer you put off going to one the worse it can be. I think we have a rather odd view to death and funerals in this country, but it's a recent phenomenon. Years ago the deceased would have been laid out in the front room with everyone stood around saying how 'well' they looked! Death is guaranteed for all of us, and learning to deal with it is a valuable lesson.

The hardest funeral I have had to attend was that of a child, and there were persons who attended that who were clearly unable to deal with the funeral situation, perhaps because they'd avoided those occasions most of their life.

It has to be your choice, but with the right guidance and preparation by you I do think it is most definitely possible to take children to funerals. It isn't called paying your last respects for nothing you know.

galvanizersbaby

sarymclary wrote: »

I wasn't allowed to go to my grandad's funeral, when I was 5, and I was always angry that I was sidelined. I thought I should have been given the chance to say goodbye like everyone else - it was like the grown ups had decided their grief was more important than mine. In fact, seeing them get upset may have helped me understand that we were all upset he had died.

When my children's great grandparents died I wasn't allowed to take my own children at the request of their grandparents, but they are emotionally crippled people anyway (they'd have rather not attended themselves if they could have got away with it), however I would have liked them to attend.

When my husband died, my children were 3, 6, 10 & 12. I was insistent that they have as much involvement as they felt capable of. They chose songs to be played, they were told what was going to happen on the day in reasonable detail (that they could understand) so there were no surprises. Yes I cried - alot! My children do not see me cry usually, so it was a first for my youngest 2 in particular. My youngest said afterwards 'oh Mummy, you cried the most out of everyone!' My eldest was unable to cry after his father's death, but said the funeral helped him to deal things better, and they are all grateful that I allowed them the opportunity, and what I felt was their right, to say goodbye properly. None of them were frightened by events, and since it was a burial they were able to say prayers at the graveside, and throw earth onto the coffin.

Funerals are never nice things to have to attend, but I think the longer you put off going to one the worse it can be. I think we have a rather odd view to death and funerals in this country, but it's a recent phenomenon. Years ago the deceased would have been laid out in the front room with everyone stood around saying how 'well' they looked! Death is guaranteed for all of us, and learning to deal with it is a valuable lesson.

The hardest funeral I have had to attend was that of a child, and there were persons who attended that who were clearly unable to deal with the funeral situation, perhaps because they'd avoided those occasions most of their life.

It has to be your choice, but with the right guidance and preparation by you I do think it is most definitely possible to take children to funerals. It isn't called paying your last respects for nothing you know.

Sorry to hear your sad story sarymclary - I agree with you that of course it is possible to take young children to funerals but I don't think there is any need for them to attend to pay their last respects as such - I think there are other ways in which they can do this.
People have very different views on this and I guess you have to take in to account what the deceased would have wanted and also the feelings of the remaining relatives to a certain extent.
I am sorry to hear that you have lost your husband x Leaving this thread now as it's making me teary and I'm still at work!

robpw2

i would say take them it will help them to understand whats going on ,