Should my 5 year old twins go to grandad's funeral?

SazM030306

My children came to my Grandma's funeral last year when they were almost 5 and almost 3. They were very good, and understood why we were there and why mummy was so upset. It did lighten the mood slightly and especially afterwards in the pub. I think it does depend on the children's ability to cope/understand, and also of course the wishes of the nearest and dearest.
Thinking of you OP. x

whitewing

My DS is 12. He went to my Nan's funeral at 2 years old and was as good as gold. I felt it was important to be there and my Nan would have wanted it.

He has been to three more since, and was with us in hospital when my Nan and Grandad passed away peacefully with the whole family gathered round. It was comforting for him to be part of it and he was no more upset than any of us. It does, however, depend on the individual child and we made the decision that was right at the time for each occasion (and of course he was asked on the more recent occasions).

snowmaid

I am reading what people are saying about how they felt at age 4/5 etc about not going to funerals and am suddenly thinking I must be getting old!! I can barely remember my gran let alone how I felt about not going to her funeral! And we were close!My gran died when I was 8 and we never went to her funeral. I think we were quite excited at the prospect of eating the goodies when everyone came back. I am amazed at some people's ability as children to analyse their emotions of something they haven't attended before? Why would you be upset at the age of 5? If you have never attended a funeral, you have no concept of what is involved. Children do not grasp things like adults do. They are mostly matter of fact. If they are missing the person badly, then you can sit and discuss these feelings with them, in a gentle, understanding way, telling them that what they are experiencing is grief etc. And then to chat over the memories of that person. Also, if I had witnessed someone chucking sand over my gran or watched her coffin go into the fire, that would have traumatised me more than not going to a funeral and just being told 'granny has gone to heaven' and is now an angel. Children do not need to be burdened with too much info. Just the basics and let them get on with playing. Of course, I am talking about much younger children, rather than older 10/11 yr olds etc.

ceebeeby

I took our then 10 year old to my FIL's funeral, but decided not to take the 5 year olds and 1 year old.

I had her next to me, and her cousin of the same age was the other side of her during the service They were both absolutely devastated (I think they were feeding off of each others grief, who could cry the most!). It was a very lengthy mass, and was way too much for either of them. The more they were getting upset, the more Granny was getting upset. My husband was nearly sick by the end of the mass with upset, and struggled through the Eulogy and being head of the coffin. Then followed the burial in the cold, pouring rain / sleety snow, at which my SIL (FIL's youngest daughter) tried to jump in, and was screaming and wailing, which set off Granny again. It was utterly awful, and not at all the romanticised view depicted by some.

It doesn't matter how well, you individually respond at a funeral (I've been to lots, unfortunately, and am going again tomorrow!), or to death, you can't control the emotions of those around you, even if you think you know them really well, and there's no way you can protect them from that.

The next funeral I take a 'child' too, they will be at least 15 / 16!

patchwork_cat

IMO no. I took my 11 year old to her grandfather's funeral 6 weeks ago and she found it very upsetting. I felt like a bad mother for bringing her. We had no choice, though. I thought that maybe she would be old enough, but she sobbed her heart out all the way through and it was not one of those funerals.Ceebeeby agree 100%, I think that my DD being upset made it harder for those around to not be upset and that is what made me feel guilty. We shouldn't feel guilty, you should be able to show feelings at funerals, but in this country we don't. My 15 year old DS was very stoic and coped v well.

vix2000

snowmaid wrote: »

I am reading what people are saying about how they felt at age 4/5 etc about not going to funerals and am suddenly thinking I must be getting old!! I can barely remember my gran let alone how I felt about not going to her funeral! And we were close!My gran died when I was 8 and we never went to her funeral. I think we were quite excited at the prospect of eating the goodies when everyone came back. I am amazed at some people's ability as children to analyse their emotions of something they haven't attended before? Why would you be upset at the age of 5? If you have never attended a funeral, you have no concept of what is involved. Children do not grasp things like adults do. They are mostly matter of fact. If they are missing the person badly, then you can sit and discuss these feelings with them, in a gentle, understanding way, telling them that what they are experiencing is grief etc. And then to chat over the memories of that person. Also, if I had witnessed someone chucking sand over my gran or watched her coffin go into the fire, that would have traumatised me more than not going to a funeral and just being told 'granny has gone to heaven' and is now an angel. Children do not need to be burdened with too much info. Just the basics and let them get on with playing. Of course, I am talking about much younger children, rather than older 10/11 yr olds etc.

Hear Hear :T

Newly_retired

When my children were fairly young, we took them to a ( distant) great uncle's funeral, which gave them an idea of what it is like, so that they would be a bit more prepared for when their own grandparents died.
When my Mum died, there was only the one grandchild, just a few months old, so she came. Obviously she was too young to know anything. However, as the coffin was lowered into the grave, seeing the baby in her buggy there brought me huge comfort : as one life ends, another generation is there to carry on with life.
However it does depend on the age, the relationship, the circumstances, the family's wishes etc.
In my experience as a Christian, almost all the funerals I have been to have been services of thanksgiving. Of course there is sadness, and the huge grief of sudden loss, but the overriding emotion has been one of love and thankfulness for the life of that person, and the knowledge that now they are with God for ever. I would have been comfortable to take a child to that kind of service.

Geenie

I have been to countless funerals over the years starting from the age of about 3 years old. Some in my childhood were very traumatic, others in later life have been very uplifting. You have to guage I believe what the service is going to be like and decide accordingly.

I had a Catholic upbringing which made funerals here in the UK very disturbing during my childhood. Yet I went to some in adulthood in Ireland which were uplifting even for the children attending. It's all a matter of wether it is going to be an upbeat celebration for a life, or a mass gathering for drowning in dispair and gloom. It does make a difference to a childs experience about death.

Claire3121

My neice was 5 at the time of a family member dying. We came to the conclusion that she would attend the service,but thought it would have been too harrowing for her to witness the coffin going into the ground(that part is hard enough for the adults even,to deal with IMHO).

purple_82

How I see it, children are children. Yes death is part of life's cycle but children do not need to attend a funeral to say good bye. Children do not have the emotional capacity to understand adults grief and trying to deal with their own grief as well would/is far to harrowing.

When my children's father died, I was pregnant with our second and my son was 2.5. By the time we were allowed to bury him, my daughter had been born and was around 3 weeks old. My son did not attend the funeral but I did take my daughter (only because I was breastfeeding)

My son doesn't remember anything about it but surprisingly remembers his daddy. Even at 10 and 7 now, I wouldn't allow them to go to a funeral, but do something special with them to say goodbye to our loved ones.

Maybe I am selfish? My children know about funerals and what happens and they know why they don't go to them. They will go to many funerals as they get older, so I don't think they need to experience this as children.