Just how normal IS this revolting teenage mess?

oystercatcher

This sounds totally normal behaviour to me. A lot of laziness a lot of 'it's not all my mess I'm not cleaning it up' and a lot of hoping someone else will do it for them. Many men just don't notice the mess that drives other people into a mad frenzy of soapsuds and black bags!

Many many students live in this state of squalor, it's just that they are 200 miles away from home and their parents don't get to see it , when they do visit there's probably a vast flurry of tidying.

Maybe you could arrange to do a LandLords inspection at the end of each term and inform them that they will be required to pay for things like damaged flooring/carpet . Maybe as a Mum you need to explain about things like leaky bin bags not being hygenic. Clothes and books on the floor are totally harmless (unless someone trips over them!)

Then for your 'parental' visits either arrange to come round on a certain day so they have notice to tidy up or arrange to meet up in town and take him out for a pizza and a chat so there's no need to see the mess.

The unopened letters are concerning, as others have said, maybe best to check they are paying bills OK. As it is your flat you could check through the pile to make sure there aren't any for you or previous tenants which need forwarding. It might be that they have just detected junk mail and not opened it. A lot of my junk mail goes straight in the shredder without being read.

I wouldn't bother buying them a load of cleaning products unless you are sure they are going to use them . As long as the flat is already kitted out with the basics they should be able to manage. Washing up liquid will clean most things there's no need for loads of products!

If there's behaviour on the level described in the previous post , drunken urinating in inappropriate places or vomit left uncleared etc etc then I would draw the line and let 'The Landlord' let off a rocket as this is totally unhealthy, unsociable and damaging to the property. Then ultimatums would have to be met and if necessary 'evict' them and make them move into student halls.
If you can rent the flat out to decent tenants then that rent can go towards the halls bill! Someone else can take over the discipline and make the rules.

It sounds to me though that it hasn't got to that level and you've made them realise as they have made the effort to tidy up a bit. That's 'Normal,' give them some space to enjoy a bit of freedom and anarchy on a small scale , after all when will they get the chance again?
Once some woman gets her hands on them they will be forced to be clean and tidy , even if they aren't necessarily made to do it themselves!

Oystercatcher

oystercatcher

Sharlee wrote: »

I do sympathise. My guilt as a mother makes me put up with far more from my son than I ever would from a partner. Maybe this should be the subject of another thread but it is not just the inability to clean up after himself or to help me in any significant way but the inability to deal with the responsibilities of life, e.g. opening a bank account, getting a driving licence, making appointments etc.

I know life is much more complicated now than when I was a youngster. But I managed without any help. I think we do disable our children by not allowing them to make mistakes? But I know that when things go wrong, he turns to me to help pick up the pieces and life is much more difficult than it was before.

It's hard to let go when that misery is living with you!

Love to all
Sharlee

I see my job as a mother is to make my children independent, little by little I am teaching them how to do these things. If they make a mess they sort it out. I help them at first and gradually stand back and let them do things themselves. Eventually it becomes second nature to them.
Just as I help them at times then they help me, they can cook , clean, do their own washing. They don't tidy their rooms very often but when they are expecting a girl to visit the floor suddenly appears and they remember how to work the vacuum cleaner !

I will miss them terribly when they go to university but I will know that they can look after themselves. I've already warned them they can't bring their laundry home !!

Oystercatcher

naturally_2

You're in a difficult situation, but I do think you need to play both the role of mother and landlord. Tell them that the flat will be inspected once/twice a term, and you expect it to be cleaned and tidied for those occasions. I also think you're probably being a bit soft in not telling him to get a cleaner - I think they probably COULD afford it once a week between them for an hour, its not much and if they find it means less money for beer they might start being a little more MSE on the other bills to accomodate it.

As a mother, tell the that the bin bags (were they mouldy or just last night's?) are not acceptable, as they WILL attract rodents which are not only costly but a pain to get rid of. If you find them like this a couple more times then I would tell them both they need to hire a cleaner once a week, end of.

Well done for not doing it all for him though, having been a female student (and messy but nowhere near as bad as the boys!) I can vouch that over the course of 3 years or however long the course is, the ones who got left to their squallar most certainly did teach themselves to be better than the ones who had mummy doing it all for them.

Savvy_Sue

I SO agree wtih Oystercatcher about teaching them to be independent. And as I said on the other thread, I think one of the problems is that leaving home came sooner than expected for this lad. Many of us start [STRIKE]being completely unreasonable[/STRIKE] teaching them how to look after themselves far earlier than 17, but then we're [STRIKE]hoping? [/STRIKE] expecting our offspring will go AWAY to university, which is far less 'the norm' in Scotland.

And actually, I really wouldn't encourage them to get a cleaner. Would you be able to GET a cleaner? And then keep them for any length of time in those conditions? Seriously, they need to learn how to do it themselves. It's not rocket science ...

hellies

i dont have time to read all 6 pages of this post so sorry if this sounds irrelevant. Some friends of mine we threatened with eviction because their student house was so filthy (and they were 3 girls!!)- neighbours complained of vermin infestation and the landlord kept fobbing them off as they were in central london and theres loads of rats anyway, until he went into their flat. he went balistic at them and gave them a week to clean up or get out. who will be left to pay the bill if you need to get pest control in? leaving bags of rubbish around is disgusting, i know our rubbish bin area (a long way from our flat thankfully!) has got infested with maggots on a few ocasions- imagine if that happened indoors??!!! They are not lookin after your investment. He needs to be reminded that you are doing him a favour and he needs to have the respect to at least keep your flat clean.

consultant31

Judging by the Ops description of the mess, a cleaner for one hour a week wouldn't even scratch the surface!

Morglin

Steph998 wrote: »

Hi all

Me again....maybe I should have put this on my previous thread about student son....but actually, I would love to have input from parents of teens of any age, so I thought I would start a new one.

Having taken advice about what to do and what not to do for my 17 year old son (18 on Saturday) who lives in his own student flat, I have taken a major step back, and although I still speak to him most days, I have not gone round to his flat for almost two weeks.

Last night OH and I dropped in without announcement to give him part of his birthday pressie.

Oh. My. GOD.

I have never seen anything like it. We could honestly hardly open the front door, utter chaos in the hallway..... knotted, leaking rubbish bags everywhere, weeks worth of post lying all over the carpet, opened and unopened, crusty dried up plates all over the living room floor, half eaten ginger cake and muffins everywhere, empty milk cartons, yogurt pots....beer bottles everywhere, clothes all over the place, kitchen was just indescribable (and I couldn't even bring myself to look in the bathroom)

Obviously - although I did not look - laundry had not been done in ages or bed changed etc.

I have heard the expression 'like a bomb went off', but this is the first time I have really seen what that means.

DS was sitting in the middle of this chaos - on the only clear space on the sofa - quite unpeturbed, and did his usual eyes to the ceiling when I came in and my voice rose about three octaves from the front door to the living room. OH just stood there in complete shock. (He still looks a bit dazed today actually.)

DS was never brought up to be like this. AND, he shares the flat with another student, who was not in last night but his evidence was everywhere too.

Is this healthy?? Is it normal??

OH says we should make DS and flatmate pay for a cleaner. But as DS struggles on his student finances, I doubt this would be feasable..

Honestly - please tell me honestly what you would do, as a Mum who recognises the faults in their child, and realises that they are just never going to change. I don't want to wipe his bum for the rest of his life, and I know he has to learn. But I hate to see him living like this! It just flies in the face of everything I feel as a mother. Would YOU be happy about this? Would you go round there and clean, or would you really just let them live in their own filth?

Totally normal - my son did this when he first got his own place.

Gradually, he came to realise that mum was no longer there to clear up the chaos, and now his place is just fine - it took a couple of years, though.;)

Lin

painted_lady

Sounds a bit like me when I was a student, we never took the bin bags out and eventually we didnt feel well, then we remembered it produces methane gas and used to try take the rubbish out. I wasnt brought up like this and am not like this now, 15 years later.

Kerriebaby

see, when I lived at home, my room was a pigsty, mum/dad/sis were all clean freaks...my bro and I were the messy bedroom duo. Now bro in the Marines has an imaculatae flat/car/wardrobe and I ( dog walker personage )have a pristine home. people can change if they want to

Steph998

Thanks all! Great advice from everyone as always.

I had a heart to heart with Dan on the phone last night. I've really made my mind up, with this week seeing his 18th birthday (not that it makes much difference, 17 one day, 18 the next...he is just immature) that I am going to cut the apron strings...for both of our benefit. I have told him that as his LL's, one of us WILL turn up for a fortnightly inspection, just to make sure there is no real health concerns/rodents/damage to building etc. It will be an inspection, not a clear up if there is a mess. (I have tried that...the two of us together...come on Dan, you do the kitchen, I'll do the bedroom and it ends up he is not up to my standard, so I clean up after his clean up.) Hopefully, with a bit of direction and some boundaries as to what is and is not acceptable it will improve. I know that sounds very simplistic....but what else can we do?

If he chooses to live like this - I have to accept that it is his decision, and as long as it is only mess, and not dangerous or expensive mess, he can get on with it.

Dan mentioned that there are no bins in the flat. No bin in his room, and no big bin in the kitchen...so they have just been filling black bags, and one of them takes them out when they walk past. (Like I said, we came round on a bad day, according to him, when we found all the bin bags in the hall. I told him to use his bonce and go down to Asda and buy a couple of big flip topped bins. Of course, at seven quid each, he won't do it....so I will provide a big bin the next time I go (we have a spare) and I am SURE there was one when he moved in. ( He probably put the whole thing out to the rubbish collection, knowing how daydreamy he is. How can he be accepted for a degree in chem eng, and now know the the simplest things in life. )