Just how normal IS this revolting teenage mess?

Mutter_2

Steph998 wrote: »

Louise....when he first moved in end of August, I did go round there and tidy up. I confessed this on the other thread that is floating around somewhere....and with the help of the wonderful people on here I did manage to stop....although I did manage to give one last frantic squirt with the bleach toward the general area of the loo as they were pushing me out the door.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

RobertoMoir

Steph998 wrote: »

Oh come on....we're also his parents! This is not a typical let, with neither party being involved, not to mention related.

I may be horrified at the mess, and want to help him to help himself...but I am not about to start sending my own son letters.....

Fair enough but you can't treat him like a child then complain that he hasn't grown up.

Spirit_2

You are not alone.

My student daughter moved home earlier this year, I love her but hate the mess she makes. Her room is a slum:eek: , and even when her bf is here she is happy for him to stay in it. I never go into her room, occassionally Mr Spirit caves in on Public health grounds and cleans up.

In December 07 iher room was newly decorated, curtained and carpeted and in the summer we gave her use of another room as a study. The redecorating made no difference at all, and as for the extra room -all it has done is expand the area she can make a mess in. Just as soon as I can summon up the energy we are going to have another discussion about it!

I am aghast that she can live like this. She does her own washing weekly, and is quite a good cook but she is happy to live like a slob. If you find a solution let me know.

poorly_scammo

I've read all the posts and the thing that strikes me is that Steph feels guilty because he's not at home. Imo this is making her behave the way she is. Steph you seem to be trying to make up for the fact that he's no longer at home because of his relationship with your OH. This colours everything you do with and for him.

When I got to 15, my mother made me do most things like, washing. It seemed harsh at the time but I'm grateful now and I wasn't a complete slob at uni although tidiness may be just a personality trait of mine.

The worst guys I knew were the ones whose mothers had practically wiped their @rses for them before they left for uni. Once on their own, they went mad. One caught salmonella. It was his own fault imo.

I think as long as you feel guilty about 'forcing' him out, then you will continue to wring your hands about this and no doubt other issues further down the line. I don't mean to be harsh but, like the other posters have said, he has to grow up sometime.

Steph998

poorly_scammo wrote: »

Once on their own, they went mad. One caught salmonella.

Can you even imagine the expression on my face reading that?

Lol! Oh my lord, the results of salmonella in a flat like that....the place would have to be razed to the ground before his bum stopped throbbing.

You are so right in everything you say. So many times I am amazed at the insight of people on this board. I was also a single parent for a while, so had the guilt of that and totally overcompensated for Dan, trying to make everything else in his life wonderful to make up for it. (Trouble is, Dad number 2 also 'rejected' him to some extent, so double guilt. I just about manage not to self flagellate...(sp?)

I really think I am learning to let go a little.

Errata

You've got a lovely lad, he deserves your respect. Give him autonomy.

Steph998

Errata wrote: »

Give him autonomy.

We did that, and he crashed it.

Boom Boom

You're right. He is capable of making his own decisions as to how to live his life.
Thanks Errata.

Savvy_Sue

Steph998 wrote: »

Oh come on....we're also his parents! This is not a typical let, with neither party being involved, not to mention related.

I may be horrified at the mess, and want to help him to help himself...but I am not about to start sending my own son letters.....

I know your DS is not paying rent, but do you have a formal tenancy agreement with the other lad? If not, I really think you should. AND a written agreement along similar lines with DS. And that would include the flat being kept reasonable. Yes, you may have to give notice of visits with your LL hat on, but it's not THAT unusual for a LL to visit / inspect "just to check there are no problems".

And you might consider dropping a note into the other flats in the block saying "We are the lls of Flat X, we wish our tenants to be good neighbours, do let us know of any problems." Esp. if your OH has a different surname.

Steph998 wrote: »

Sigh. So it's back to the weekly visits to clean up for him then. It won't make the slightest bit of difference to him (apart from being able to find his underwear again) but at least I will sleep at night.

Would the other mothers who know where I am coming from do the same?

Nooooooooo!

I have no idea what level of squalor my sons are living in. I don't wish to know. When I've been to pick DS1 up at the end of each term he's usually been about to vacuum, and I've finished the washing up. It's his deposit, not mine. (DS2 hasn't been home yet, and he's on campus so it shouldn't get too bad.)

debsthe1 wrote: »

I suppose you could hand the running of the flat etc to a lettings agency for the maintenance side of things and let them deal with his untidiness(!?!)

It would make things less personal and more professional.

I wondered that too. It would cost, but it might save hassle.

Errata wrote: »

You've got a lovely lad, he deserves your respect. Give him autonomy.

Steph998 wrote: »

We did that, and he crashed it.

Boom Boom

You're right. He is capable of making his own decisions as to how to live his life.
Thanks Errata.

:rotfl: That's the spirit. You've got to laugh, or you would cry ...

Glad they were prompted to action, and that your DH and DS cleared the air. I imagine DS was a tad embarrassed at the state of the place. I really don't recommend just dropping in on him again! Draw up guidelines, and tell him if you ever find the place like that again you will set Environmental Health onto him!

Never mind his 'quiet enjoyment', a tenancy agreement usually includes a clause about not creating 'nuisance' or disturbance to neighbours, and a flat full of smelly rubbish could well fall foul of that.

Peakma

I'd say it's pretty normal for student to lets to get like that at times.Is there stuff to clean with? Because using yucky old cleaning equiptment and value products is rubbish, or if there isn't the right stuff it can get expensive.Maybe for Xmas you could drop the hint of making him a cleaning hamper!!
3 plastic boxes for recycling,glass,paper,metal,a little compost bin,rubber gloves,black sacks,dustpan and brush,clothes,sponges,bucket ,mop,various cleaning,sprays,mousses,glass ceaner,washing basket, line, and pegs,etc etc and maybe a silly apron etc....!! Might be pretty boring,but practical,and useful,and he'd have no excuses .But buying that list would soon add up to a fair old amount,which I can see from living in a student house,could be money better spent on booze and late night munchies!

ailuro2

It's perfectly normal to be that untidy. Having leaking bin bags all over the place is not, though.

Tell them they need to keep the rubbish outside where it belongs, and if they can't do that then the rent will go up to cover the cost of fumigation and carpet replacement/professional cleaning when they move on.