domestic violence

Loretta

solongmarianne wrote: »

thanks for everyones input so far!

I have been finding out that there is so much more to domestic violence and the aftermath of it all,
I am self employed and over 10 clients, all good friends of his have cancelled on me, I stand to loose alot of work, obviously this is down to the ex . its been made apparent that its going to be very difficult for me with regards to work, but hey ho I will carry on regardless, I dont want him knowing my movenets anyway, so I will take this as a blessing in disguise.

my daughter doesnt know what he did to me, I am hidden under long sleeves a scarf and a lot of make up! and a smile of course, I have told her he did something naughty and that sometimes sorry does not make things better.

last night it was lovely , we came home after gossiping with my best friend for ages, and didnt have to worry about having dinner ready, shirts ironed or having the house in order. last night I lounged on the sofa watched aload of rubbish on tv and IT FELT GOOD!
I do miss him terribly , but the only way I am getting around that is by going over what he did that night.

I have also told a few close firends what has happened , they were shocked as all said "he treaded you like a princess we cant believe it" I feel better now I have told them, now its not a secret.

I have just enrolled on a course that I was desperater to do last year but didnt, I am feeling quite good today xx

This incident only happened on Saturday, what on earth has he said in this short space of times to 10 of your clinets that they have taken so seriously that they have cancelled work? This is harrassment, trying to cut off your income and should be reported to the police as well as the violence. I know that the violence was more serious but this is serious too. The police need to build a case and be kept informed of the full story. If he has managed this since only last Saturday what on earth is he going to do next? I don't want to worry you further but this man is completely out of control and on a real mission to hurt you in any way he can. Perhaps you should get an injunction.

I see that the police have acted well and have arrested and charged him so presumably the case will be in the paper when it comes to court and these customers will see what he did and I hope that they will feel embarrassed by their hasty actions

Good luck

Loretta

imfedup wrote: »

I also didnt want to read and run. I have also been in your situation and I loved him for a very long time after, but it was the man he was not the man he became. I thought he would change, but your right enough is enough.

You need to carry on with the police thing, I know its intrusive and I know its really unpleasant but it also means that if he gets a criminal record for domestic violence it will be his own fault and may (and I mean may) make him reconsier his actions in the future with another woman.

I hope that everything works out for you, I am sending you lots of hugs and best wishes to both you and your daughter. YOu have come to the right place on here, I know you are not looking for sympathy or pats on the back for what you have done, more for your own peace of mind and to get things off your chest.

xxxx :j

You need to carry on with the police thing, I know its intrusive and I know its really unpleasant but it also means that if he gets a criminal record for domestic violence it will be his own fault and may (and I mean may) make him reconsier his actions in the future with another woman.

It may also help another woman in the future who finds herself in the same situation with him, because someone will, he won't only do this to you he will do it to every woman he has a relationship with and if he is less violent to her the first time the police will know to take it very seriously because he had done it before

Loretta

Janepig wrote: »

Wow, have the Police really told you that? I'm amazed. I would be very surprised if he gets a fine, first offence or not. Most DV cases I deal with are men who've never offended before, but I don't recall any of them getting a fine. From what you've said, he strangled you until you passed out - if that's the evidence thats put before Court then I would be shocked if it stays in the Magistrates Court. My feeling is that it will go to Crown Court as the manner in which he assaulted you would be taken really seriously.

Has he had his first appearance in Court yet? Do you know what he's been charged with (ABH, Common Assault, etc...)?

I understand what you mean about the screens, and your reasons for wanting to face him. But perhaps have them arranged anyway just incase you don't feel up to it on the day. What I find often happens with DV cases is the defendant goes not guilty on the basis that the victim will be to scared to go to Court, and then when the victim does indeed turn up to give evidence then they change their plea. So you may well find that will happen, and you won't have to give evidence.

Jxx

Aren't there some figures about how many times a women is assaulted before they report it to the police or move out, if I remember it is a frighteningly large figure. Won't the magistrates or judges know those facts, just becuase he has never been arrested before I bet he has done it before.

In Brighton I have just read in my local paper they are having domestic violence courts and presumably the magistrates or whoever will have been trained in all this and how it works and that dv really is different to being attacked by a stranger, I am not saying worse or better but different because there ar emotions involved and the person know exactly how to make it worse and the fear that the attacker knows things about you that a stranger does not know. This one knows how to lose her work, I am self employed and if someone did that to me I would be so mad that really is below the belt. Can she get some sort of restraining order in the mean time or is the breaking of bail condition protection enough? I feel she has a way to go yet in a short space of time he has mananged to cause her a lot of trouble already.

solongmarianne

Loretta wrote: »

This incident only happened on Saturday, what on earth has he said in this short space of times to 10 of your clinets that they have taken so seriously that they have cancelled work? This is harrassment, trying to cut off your income and should be reported to the police as well as the violence. I know that the violence was more serious but this is serious too. The police need to build a case and be kept informed of the full story. If he has managed this since only last Saturday what on earth is he going to do next? I don't want to worry you further but this man is completely out of control and on a real mission to hurt you in any way he can. Perhaps you should get an injunction.

I see that the police have acted well and have arrested and charged him so presumably the case will be in the paper when it comes to court and these customers will see what he did and I hope that they will feel embarrassed by their hasty actions

Good luck

i work with his father !!

Loretta

solongmarianne wrote: »

his mother came to the door a while back, I answered it not realising, ( I thought the voice was the police woman from earlier)

she told me that Richard kept on asking her to tell me he is very sorry,and that "the poor boy looks absoloutly dreadfull" well come take a look at my body OMG!!!!:mad: he didnt tell her what he did so I did. and then she asked "so you are sure you are finished then" ??
hmmm let me just think!!!!!
when I said I was scared of him she said men sometimes get angry but dont mean it. then she said the tv he had bought me was technically his....... at this point I closed the door. not once did she flicker when I explained what he did, and to be honest I dont think she believed me, she also didnt believe I had photos taken to prove it. I am shocked at her?!?!?!?! I am so cross at how she has the gall to complain about a tv when he left me for dead. I am off to bed as I am getting more and more upset by this xx

Don't his bail conditions also include him sending someone else round to annoy and upset you? I'm getting really cross on your behalf now

solongmarianne

Loretta wrote: »

Don't his bail conditions also include him sending someone else round to annoy and upset you? I'm getting really cross on your behalf now

yes they do, and again his mother said she was unaware of the conditions, the police have told her in no uncertain terms now.

she argued that she collected his clothes (I bagged them up and put them outside so I didint have to see anyone) as the police asked her to , so why should she have to keep away . obviously I didnt want to drive to his to drop off clothes, I was scared of confrontation from his family. she now knows. as for cancellations, people cancel all the time , there is nothing I can do about it, apart from be polite, and keep smiling. cos if I dont ill cry with anger!!

Loretta

solongmarianne wrote: »

thanks everyone for all your posts,
I have a question, does anyone out there honestly think someone can change ?? quit the drinking and stay non violent. ?? I have been told that richard is starting aa meetings, and has admitted he has a problm which he has never done before, he has also asked that we go for counselling together and seperatly because of what happened.

my reply was that he needed to get on with the meetings and do it for himself, only then when he is sober can we talk about the ifs and buts counselling. I have also explained that as much as I love him , he is a drunk, and when sobered up I may not be the one for him, I do love him and want him to change but I am not holding out much hope. I would also rather walk away knowing that he was sober but didnt love me than be loved by a drunk whos mind is confused.
he has apologised for what he has done, I do believe he was sincere wiith what he said. however I have also said in no uncertain terms that court goes ahead, I will if necessary give evidence, . I want richard to sober up and to be happy , happy with me, but I fear that drink has too much of a hold on him right now, probably forever. maybe he will be strong and want me more than the drink, maybe he wont even get to the first meeting , who knows??
. addiction is a terrible terrible thing.

I don't want to put the damper on your hopes but I bet his solicitor thinks it would be a good idea if he went to court in a couple of weeks time, facing these serious charges and being able to say that he is attending AA and realises he has a problem and wants to blame it all the drink ie 'it is not my fault it was the drink your lordship' Drink does not make men violent it just makes the nasty little bullies brave enough to do what they haven't got the guts to do when they are sober

solongmarianne

yep I have already thought about this, it looks good to say I am going to meetings I am sorry I am trying, I suppose I cannot tell what is truly in his heart, I will have to wait and see , I think its going to be years not months before I find out if he is sincere about changing. regardless of whether he goes to AA, it doesnt change the fact that he will be going to court, I will never pull out of giving evidence. he cannot be let off for this, I cannot afford to be seen to be backing down to him either as I feel this gives him the go ahead to continue. .x x

angelfairy

solongmarianne wrote: »

yep I have already thought about this, it looks good to say I am going to meetings I am sorry I am trying, I suppose I cannot tell what is truly in his heart, I will have to wait and see , I think its going to be years not months before I find out if he is sincere about changing. regardless of whether he goes to AA, it doesnt change the fact that he will be going to court, I will never pull out of giving evidence. he cannot be let off for this, I cannot afford to be seen to be backing down to him either as I feel this gives him the go ahead to continue. .x x

you really sound so strong solongmarianne and i really admire that more than i can explain.

when he does go to court and if he pleads guilty or is found guilty after trial, his solicitor will put forward 'mitigation' to assist the Magistrates (or Judge if it goes to Crown Court - then he will have a barrister) in deciding a sentence. of course if he is saying he is going to AA meetings etc, he will hope that will work for him.

the other thing is that when a person is to be sentenced a Pre Sentence Report will be ordered to be done by the Probation Service. They will discuss the incident with him, his background/drinking habits/drugs/employement/family etc and the PRobation Service have a 'risk assessment' that they carry out also. This identifies how likely they are to reoffend and what assistance they may require (e.g. enhanched learning skills/supervision etc).

it is common to see charge after charge in relation to a person where the aggrieved/victim is the same woman. some woman (and men as i dont want to generalise that they are not victims of dv) just keep returning. it is horrible becuase you see their name time and time again and their injuries time and time again.

keep strong for you and your daughter.

Janepig

Loretta wrote: »

Aren't there some figures about how many times a women is assaulted before they report it to the police or move out, if I remember it is a frighteningly large figure. Won't the magistrates or judges know those facts, just becuase he has never been arrested before I bet he has done it before.

If he pleads guilty or is found guilty then the Court (as AF has said) will order a Pre-Sentence Report, probably to include IDAP assessment (because it's not automatic that he'll be suitable for it). Anyway, one of the first things the PSR author does in a DV case is contact the local DV unit with the details and they will say how many times there's been a call out to that family. So for instance you can get 20 call outs, none of which led to prosecution, but that will go in the report so the Court will be aware of it. Defence solicitors hate it .

You'd be amazed how many defendants will say "I've never done anything like this before" when a quick call to the DV unit paints a very different picture :rolleyes:. I'm sure they think we're still in the days when various agencies didn't communicate too well.

Jxx