domestic violence

Mollymop5

solongmarianne wrote: »

thanks everyone for all your posts,
I have a question, does anyone out there honestly think someone can change ?? quit the drinking and stay non violent. ?? I have been told that richard is starting aa meetings, and has admitted he has a problm which he has never done before, he has also asked that we go for counselling together and seperatly because of what happened.

my reply was that he needed to get on with the meetings and do it for himself, only then when he is sober can we talk about the ifs and buts counselling. I have also explained that as much as I love him , he is a drunk, and when sobered up I may not be the one for him, I do love him and want him to change but I am not holding out much hope. I would also rather walk away knowing that he was sober but didnt love me than be loved by a drunk whos mind is confused.
he has apologised for what he has done, I do believe he was sincere wiith what he said. however I have also said in no uncertain terms that court goes ahead, I will if necessary give evidence, . I want richard to sober up and to be happy , happy with me, but I fear that drink has too much of a hold on him right now, probably forever. maybe he will be strong and want me more than the drink, maybe he wont even get to the first meeting , who knows??
. addiction is a terrible terrible thing.

My ex is a nasty, horrible, violent drunk! Sober he is a wonderful man and fatastic dad.During our marriage he was fully aware of how drink changed him and tried to stay away from drink.Sometimes going months and years without going out.These times were great.The times he slipped up were horrendous.I decided that after 10 years I couldn't live like this and told him I was leaving and taking our 2 kids with me.We were both devastated.
You don't just stop loving someone because of there actions.I hated him for evrything he put me through drunk but loved the sober man he is.
We have been seperated now 3 years and are the best of friends.He pops in every day to see me and the kids.He recently asked me to take him back.I said no because living on the edge is not something I want to go back too.I know he's been drunk only twice in the 3 years since we seperated but also know that that is 2 times too many.On these occasions I heard about his antics and can honestly say I was so pleased he was going home to his own home and not mine.My situation may be different to yours.No 2 situations can be the same.You haven't said how often these incidents happened before this last one.
I think you have done the best thing as you need to feel safe.I'm not saying it's going to be easy.It's good that he's making changes to sort himself out but like you say he has to do it for himself.I myself couldn't live with the "what if he goes out tonight?" could you?
Take care of yourself and your little one and I hopeyou have a happy life.

solongmarianne

Mollymop5 wrote: »

My ex is a nasty, horrible, violent drunk! Sober he is a wonderful man and fatastic dad.During our marriage he was fully aware of how drink changed him and tried to stay away from drink.Sometimes going months and years without going out.These times were great.The times he slipped up were horrendous.I decided that after 10 years I couldn't live like this and told him I was leaving and taking our 2 kids with me.We were both devastated.
You don't just stop loving someone because of there actions.I hated him for evrything he put me through drunk but loved the sober man he is.
We have been seperated now 3 years and are the best of friends.He pops in every day to see me and the kids.He recently asked me to take him back.I said no because living on the edge is not something I want to go back too.I know he's been drunk only twice in the 3 years since we seperated but also know that that is 2 times too many.On these occasions I heard about his antics and can honestly say I was so pleased he was going home to his own home and not mine.My situation may be different to yours.No 2 situations can be the same.You haven't said how often these incidents happened before this last one.
I think you have done the best thing as you need to feel safe.I'm not saying it's going to be easy.It's good that he's making changes to sort himself out but like you say he has to do it for himself.I myself couldn't live with the "what if he goes out tonight?" could you?
Take care of yourself and your little one and I hopeyou have a happy life.

we have been together nearly 5 years, this was the first time it happened xx

solongmarianne

x__Indigo_x wrote: »

and in reponse to what someone said about it being to serious for magistrates courts...i really dont think it will , 94% of DV cases are dealt with in the magistrates courts and figures show that sentences passed in domestic cases are disproportionately more lenient than non domestic cases i just hope for your sake he gets what he deserves


as for the client thing unfortunatly you cannot prove this is the reason the clients have cancelled but financial violence does come under the term domesti violence [ womensaid.org]

I know its easy to say but dont be embarressed you should be proud of yourself, proud that you did probably the most terrifing thing by calling the police on someone you love...that took alot of courage and i hope that courage stays within you for the whole trail

*hugs*

the police officers seemed to think he will just get a fine, not a sentence, . as everyone rightly says it was a serious incident, but I have been told I may need to give evidence, if it progresses but the police have said they think he will be dealt with by the magistrates and be fined. .

Janepig

x__Indigo_x wrote: »

and in reponse to what someone said about it being to serious for magistrates courts...i really dont think it will , 94% of DV cases are dealt with in the magistrates courts and figures show that sentences passed in domestic cases are disproportionately more lenient than non domestic cases i just hope for your sake he gets what he deserves

That's mainly because most DV is charged as "common assault" which can only be dealt with in the Magistrates Court. ABH (which is what the OP's partner would seem to have been charged with) is an "either way" matter so depending on how serious the Magistrates view the case at the first hearing (and if evidence of strangulation is put before them then that would bring the seriousness right up) then they can send it to Crown Court for trial. In fact, even if they keep it in the Magistrates Court, they can still send it up to Crown Court up to the point of sentence.

I don't really want to go against what the Police are saying to the OP, but I will be stunned if he gets a fine for ABH - but obviously the Police know alot more about the ins and outs of the case than I do.

Not sure what you believe he "deserves", but as I've said, imo an attempt at a community sentence or suspended sentence, with IDAP and Probation would go alot further to sorting out his behaviour, than a couple of weeks in prison which would achieve bog all except to keep him out of society for a short time.

Jxx

Mollymop5

solongmarianne wrote: »

we have been together nearly 5 years, this was the first time it happened xx

Then well done to you for making a stand and letting him no it's not acceptable. :T

Sharlee

If he pleads guilty you will not have to give evidence and as you are supporting the prosecution and have photographic evidence of your injuries, I can't see him pleading any other way. Often men do plead not guilty to begin with in case the prosecution goes wrong in some way and the case is dropped (eg police losing evidence etc). There is now a pro action policy in force - the CPS have to prosecute when there is evidence even if the victim withdraws their statement, they can still be ordered to come to court to give evidence.

His sentence will depend on the charge. You can look at the Crown Prosecution Service website for details on sentencing guidelines.

Also, if the police have not already mentioned this, you should make a Victim Personal Statement where you can express how this crime has affected you. And also by supporting the prosecution, you may be entitled to Criminal Injuries Compensation. Victim Support can help you with the application.

Lastly, strangulation is a high risk factor in DV cases, most women who are killed by their partners or ex-partners are strangled.

Please do let us know how you get on.

Regards
Sharlee

solongmarianne

hello everyone, I must apologise but ihave only just felt brave enough to some bck and re read it all.. sorry

well after 3 adjourned dates we went to court in april 09 , he went not guilty all the way, in the end he signed an admission of guilt, ithink he was fined £50 ... thisis an insult to me, i told them at court not to forward me any money if i wereto be paid, i was so so so gutted wit the outcome. i wasnt allowed a screen,

i am still single, he ruined my business , im now on income support but am staring work in june, im moving too, too many flashbacks living hre. funnily enough i do still love him but have to remain strong and remember that night when i think of him, he is still drinking so i hear. he also told me it was all my fault, that i made him act like he did.... it was the first and last time he attacked me,no second chances.. i owe my life to my stubbourness lol

so many times iv wanted him to come back but i knew if he did id be dead by now..

so this is me,, single HAPPY and starting a new career and a new home hopefully. thank you for all the replies you posted...
im ok:kisses:

LucyB-Bride_to_Be

I've just read through your thread and i just had to say what an incredibly brave woman you are. It takes some guts to do what you did and to have the strength to leave him. I wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world for your future.xx

debtfreein4years

personally i want to hire a hit man on your behalf and have the bleep castrated before being kneecaped and left somewhere public trussed up like a chicken for public ridicule but i dont think that would do anyone any good.

Im very sorry that he has been able to get away with a rap on the knuckles for such a serious offence when he should rightly have had a much harshier scentence/fine imposed as what kind of message is that sending to the victimes of dv.

I wish you and your daughter all the best with moving home and starting a new job. You are a true inspiration and stay strong as if he has done it once to you, then it is on record for the future and hopefully he will have his comeupance when he messes up and no doubt he will.

gxx

Mrs_Ryan

hi so long,

I just wanted to wish you luck - it seems you throughly deserve some good fortune and I hope plenty comes your way.
My ex was also a violent alcoholic and he wrecked my life so I really feel for you.. I've seen him since and he has changed so much but the damage had been done... you were so brave and you need to hold your head up high... I know how hard it is and you've done so well. You dont need that scumbag and he's not deserving of your love.

Take care, best of luck!

Mrs R xx