domestic violence

pigpen

Stalking and harrassment are both criminal offences and he can be charged with either or both!

There is no way I'd be moving and hiding again.. If I had to go very very public about the DV and what he was doing now etc.

Did you ever tell your daughter what went on? I would have thought she should have been told immediately so she could undestand why she was losing her dad, moving house etc.

Keep on at the police and see a solicitor.. they have to do something eventually.. as for his mother I'd be after pressing charges for lying.. catch her out.. what was he wearing? type questions usually do the trick! What was he doing? what tv programmes was he watching? etc..

Steel_2

He presents a charming, perfect face to the world, so much so that no-one believes he is capable of what he does.

The man's has sociopathic traits. Have you done any research on the net about dealing with people like this? Have a look at this website and the associated blog, the link to which is on the homepage - http://www.lovefraud.com/01_whatsaSociopath/key_symptoms_sociopath.html Does anything rings bells with you? These people are not normal and are adept at running rings round the law and avoiding the normal channels. That's why the police and courts don't bother him enough to make him stop what he is doing. He wants to win and make you miserable at the same time.

You have got to start boxing clever with this muppet instead of being scared off. He wants you to be scared. He is banking on your niceness and worse your shame and embarrassment to help him get away with everything. He's loving the control he has over you. You have be just as clever and sly as him. If you keep on running, he will follow because he knows he can. You have to get really, really well read on the strategies and tactics for effectively dealing with people like this. Then you'll start to feel less scared and more in control.

Could you get a private investigator to follow him for a few weeks and take pictures of him turning up at your place, as well as any other dirt you can dig up on him? What other women did he do this to before you? Is he currently doing the same thing to other woman as he is to you? Is he on benefits? Claiming anything he shouldn't be? Does he have any addictions?

Men like these always have something to hide. Their whole facade is a house of cards that they protect with lies and dishonesty. Kind of like the bigger the lie, the more people will believe him. His mother's not scared of him - he's got her twisted round her little finger.

In terms of practicalities, could you get an ex-guard dog that barks loudly so it will scare him off and make him think twice? I wonder whether the police canine unit have any ex police dogs that need a new home? Personally, if I had a guard dog and thought my violent ex was outside at night I'd open the door and let the dog out to deal with him. After all, if he's sneaking around at night just when you let dog out for its last pee he gets what he deserves.

Start getting it down on paper formally as a matter of record each time he does something. Escalate the restraining order so every time he breaks it you can report it. Even hang out of window and take pictures and film him if you see him. Build up a paper and photograph trail of his behaviour so it can be used against him if necessary.

Also, I may have this wrong, but I thought it was possible to walk into a station and insist on making a written statement so it is a matter of record for the future?

74jax

Steel wrote: »

He presents a charming, perfect face to the world, so much so that no-one believes he is capable of what he does.

The man's has sociopathic traits. Have you done any research on the net about dealing with people like this? Have a look at this website and the associated blog, the link to which is on the homepage - http://www.lovefraud.com/01_whatsaSociopath/key_symptoms_sociopath.html Does anything rings bells with you? These people are not normal and are adept at running rings round the law and avoiding the normal channels. That's why the police and courts don't bother him enough to make him stop what he is doing. He wants to win and make you miserable at the same time.

You have got to start boxing clever with this muppet instead of being scared off. He wants you to be scared. He is banking on your niceness and worse your shame and embarrassment to help him get away with everything. He's loving the control he has over you. You have be just as clever and sly as him. If you keep on running, he will follow because he knows he can. You have to get really, really well read on the strategies and tactics for effectively dealing with people like this. Then you'll start to feel less scared and more in control.

Could you get a private investigator to follow him for a few weeks and take pictures of him turning up at your place, as well as any other dirt you can dig up on him? What other women did he do this to before you? Is he currently doing the same thing to other woman as he is to you? Is he on benefits? Claiming anything he shouldn't be? Does he have any addictions?

Men like these always have something to hide. Their whole facade is a house of cards that they protect with lies and dishonesty. Kind of like the bigger the lie, the more people will believe him. His mother's not scared of him - he's got her twisted round her little finger.

In terms of practicalities, could you get an ex-guard dog that barks loudly so it will scare him off and make him think twice? I wonder whether the police canine unit have any ex police dogs that need a new home? Personally, if I had a guard dog and thought my violent ex was outside at night I'd open the door and let the dog out to deal with him. After all, if he's sneaking around at night just when you let dog out for its last pee he gets what he deserves.

Start getting it down on paper formally as a matter of record each time he does something. Escalate the restraining order so every time he breaks it you can report it. Even hang out of window and take pictures and film him if you see him. Build up a paper and photograph trail of his behaviour so it can be used against him if necessary.

Also, I may have this wrong, but I thought it was possible to walk into a station and insist on making a written statement so it is a matter of record for the future?

Excellent post.

belfastgirl23

Everything Steel said

But also I think you really should contact Women's Aid for help with this. They are experts in helping women who are dealing with exactly your situation - I worked with several different branches across NI in a previous job and I honestly couldn't say I met anyone who was less than excellent at what they did. They also offer training courses to help people come to terms with their experiences and will support you on the legal side as well.

You have been so strong in getting away from him. I know it must feel awful to have to start with it again but hopefully this is a last ditch attempt from him and if you fight it off this time that will be it done.

On the friends issue, you need to tell everyone very clearly that he is a homicidal maniac who tried to kill you in a drunken frenzy and they are not to give out your number to him. Don't protect him, as steel says, that's what he's relying on, your shame.

And good luck, you are stronger than you think and can do this!

RAS

Hi

Since you first started this thread, MSE set up a resource here http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1276963

There may be useful contacts in there.

You might be advised to insist on talking to the DV support in the police rather than just the standard issue.

Also speak to a lawyer about a restraining order.

solongmarianne

thanks for all your replies i appreciate it. looking into camera right now and womans aid. fab.

did a 12 week family action course on why men abuse us and OH MY WORD!!!!! my eyes were opened , if id have known what the taught me then id never have gone on a second date with this man!!!!

with regards to friends, i trust NO ONE , its so sad. i just want a nice safe life. my friend saw the cuts bruises ect ect and the hellish things he did to me yet she openly gave him my details. thats not a friend and if im honest , im struggling with that bit.

i just wonder if she could do this , what can another friend do ?

im more than willing to have a fesh start somewhere completely different. my solicitor has said that this man is very cunning and was surprised when i went back saying he was still at it. he even thought he wouldhve given up by now. and for whoever said his mother is twisted round his little finger... how right you are !!! im practically living like a recluse again. my daughter is constatly saying "is the door locked" "are you going out" dont go out i can get things for you mum. this is so so wrong. he has made it clear last time that he isnt finished with me. the domestic violence officer said they were empty threats to try to scare me , but dont think they were.

redstararnie76

solongmarianne wrote: »

thanks both of yu .

my daughter is at secondary but they are aware, she walks in a group and has her phone with her.

i make her text me when she arrives ,it shouldnt be like this, i feel like i have failed her. we are going to have to leave and hide all over gain. because some man is too sly to get caught.

solicitor said injunction, but within a hour or so of the last one he was at the house , dialled 999 , hismum said he was with her all along. he is very sly.

Hi, I've only just read your thread and I can't really help with any constructive advice, but I felt I had to mention this.
Please don't feel that you have failed your daughter. You have stood up for yourself and your daughter and protected her by walking away from this man - you are so far from being a failure, I can't emphasise this enough. Really importantly, you haven't given her the message that it's ok to be badly treated, so she's got a great role model in you, as well as a protector.

Steel_2

solongmarianne wrote: »

my friend saw the cuts bruises ect ect and the hellish things he did to me yet she openly gave him my details. thats not a friend and if im honest , im struggling with that bit.

You might find he turned on the charm with her and twisted her round his finger too. He could have said all sorts of rubbish to her about wanting to make it up to you or see his beautiful daughter after all this time and how much he misses his little girl sob, sob, sob.

These nasty pieces of work don't have a conscious or empathy so they have no problem lying to achieve their ends.

But unfortunately if she's fallen for it once, she'll fall for it again. She's susceptible to him so he knows he has a way to access you now.

You need to cut contact with her unfortunately, especially if you decide to move.

ailuro2

There's nothing stopping you changing your name by deed poll.

Keep in touch with friends via an anonymous Skype account, that way they won't have to know your phone number. If they are real friends they won't mind doing this for you....to see them, go to their houses and take a long way home where you would notice if you were being followed. Take your DD with you, don't leave her home alone.

Get to a self defence class to help you feel a bit safer. Take your DD with you. Learn how to get out of a choke and you can leave that particular nightmare behind.

Do everything you can to make yourself stronger but at the same time I agree you need to go where he will not find you. He will not give up on you till he has found someone else/ a new victim. In time he will give up on you, in the meantime it's probably safer to be far away from him...

Best wishes, hope you find somewhere soon. A small village might seem safe, but too many tongues wagging about the 'incomer' if he came sniffing around. Somewhere large and faceless where people are too busy with their own lives to bother with anyone else would be better,also larger places will be more likely to have women's aid, assistance in starting over, good facilities for your DD.

tara747

redstararnie76 wrote: »

Hi, I've only just read your thread and I can't really help with any constructive advice, but I felt I had to mention this.
Please don't feel that you have failed your daughter. You have stood up for yourself and your daughter and protected her by walking away from this man - you are so far from being a failure, I can't emphasise this enough. Really importantly, you haven't given her the message that it's ok to be badly treated, so she's got a great role model in you, as well as a protector.

+1

Great post.