domestic violence

angelfairy

Janepig wrote: »

That's exactly right - and if that has happened today then you need to get onto the Police. I'm not sure about Police bail, but Court bail conditions always prohibit contact either in person or through a third party.

Jxx

janepig, i have seen police charge sheets that do prohibit contact either directly or indirectly, especially in DV cases

i would only hope that marianne's ex has this condition and she reports him for the breach of bail.

RAMBLER

Hi

I am so glad that you are keeping strong, and realise that his behaviour is no way acceptable.....

thinking about you and your daughter, have you thought about Leapfrog which is a programme set up for mum's and their children who have been involved in domestic violence. Also you might need/want to have someone to talk to yourself in complete confidence. Have a look on the Woman's Aid website, they are fantastic by thr way, i know someone has put the link on before, they are trully great and can give you a local centre/charity.

[IMG]http://s168729971.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/BusinessWebs/ZeroCentre/img/heading9f.png[/IMG]

Leapfrog
A healing programme for children who have experienced domestic violence.

What is it?
Leapfrog is a 14 week programme for mums and their children aged 5-11 who have witnessed or experienced domestic violence and are no longer in that environment.
They are supported separately within their own groups

In a fun and friendly atmosphere, Leapfrog encourages children to:
• Share worries[IMG]http://s168729971.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/BusinessWebs/ZeroCentre/img/leapfrog.png[/IMG]
• Talk about their feelings
• Raise their self-worth
• Cope with change in the family
• To know how to keep safe
Children use circle time, innovative resources, creative play,
therapeutic games and craft for self-expression.

Leapfrog can help mums to:
• Be aware of their child’s feelings
• Share strategies for coping with difficult behaviour
• Rebuild mother-child relationships affected by domestic violence
• Feel less isolated
• Increase their self-esteem.
Regular attendance and active participation is crucial for both mums and children if maximum benefit is to be gained from the Programme.
No-one is judged.

.

Here are detials of leapfrog, i know someone who attended who truly benefitted.

As i don't know about the court system, i will leave you in others truly capable and knowaledgable hands (excuse spelling, tired!!)

hugs

crispeater

hi,

i've been with my childrens father for 6 years and have had the police out many times for dv. the first time he went to court he got a fine but he did change his plea at the last minute, he also got put on a drink rehabilitation programe as he too is an alcoholic, he's been on this twice now and personally i think it was cr*p. Everytime i've said thats it, i'm not having him back how dare he thinks its right to treat me like that etc etc and i let him back in. i can not explain why, maybe i'm just weak, maybe its just easier for me to give in.. who knows, coz i dont. we've had no violence in the house for nearly 18mths *touch wood* and have been getting on fine. he has also cut down on his drinking and concentrating on working. i think this has something to do with a programe he was put on the last time i prosicuted and again he changed his plea in court providing i dropped one of the charges which i agreed too with the advice of my barrister.. i dont know why but i was given a barrister from the crown court up the road and not a solicitor.. it was great he was given 2 years probation and told to attend a course for 18mths called IDAP (Integrated Domestic Abuse Programme) this doesnt work for all but it seems to have helped us. he has weekly meetings and is given homework to do and i have meetings too where they tell me what he's done and said and i tell them whether he's telling the truth or not. they never tell him anything i say.

to the OP i'm so sorry that you and your daughter have gone through this and the courts are very supportive in anything you need. lets hope he opens his eyes and realises what he's done and pleads guilty.

goodluck to you and your daughter x

view

Hi

Just to reiterate you did the right thing.

It IS natural to still feel strong feelings for this person, you have their children, you remember them as they were in the good times.

For anyone who doesn't know how someone could stay with a violet person, it's not just cut and dry. There are many intertwining social, emotional and domestic issues that come into play. How could you just up and leave if you have joint finances, no other house to go to, children at home/to feed/educate? It's not as simple as 'right, they've been voilent let me just get my bag and the kids/dogs/cats etc.. and pop in the car to start a new life'. I know we're all entitled to our own opinion, however, please think about what you write before you write it.

Solongmarianne (great song by the way!) you've been extremely brave and hopefully you'll have as strong support offline that you do online.

All the best
GJ x

solongmarianne

crispeater wrote: »

hi,

i've been with my childrens father for 6 years and have had the police out many times for dv. the first time he went to court he got a fine but he did change his plea at the last minute, he also got put on a drink rehabilitation programe as he too is an alcoholic, he's been on this twice now and personally i think it was cr*p. Everytime i've said thats it, i'm not having him back how dare he thinks its right to treat me like that etc etc and i let him back in. i can not explain why, maybe i'm just weak, maybe its just easier for me to give in.. who knows, coz i dont. we've had no violence in the house for nearly 18mths *touch wood* and have been getting on fine. he has also cut down on his drinking and concentrating on working. i think this has something to do with a programe he was put on the last time i prosicuted and again he changed his plea in court providing i dropped one of the charges which i agreed too with the advice of my barrister.. i dont know why but i was given a barrister from the crown court up the road and not a solicitor.. it was great he was given 2 years probation and told to attend a course for 18mths called IDAP (Integrated Domestic Abuse Programme) this doesnt work for all but it seems to have helped us. he has weekly meetings and is given homework to do and i have meetings too where they tell me what he's done and said and i tell them whether he's telling the truth or not. they never tell him anything i say.

to the OP i'm so sorry that you and your daughter have gone through this and the courts are very supportive in anything you need. lets hope he opens his eyes and realises what he's done and pleads guilty.

goodluck to you and your daughter x

thanks everyone for all your posts,

xcat_girlx

solongmarianne wrote: »

thanks everyone for all your posts,
I have a question, does anyone out there honestly think someone can change ?? quit the drinking and stay non violent. ?? I have been told that richard is starting aa meetings, and has admitted he has a problm which he has never done before, he has also asked that we go for counselling together and seperatly because of what happened.

my reply was that he needed to get on with the meetings and do it for himself, only then when he is sober can we talk about the ifs and buts counselling. I have also explained that as much as I love him , he is a drunk, and when sobered up I may not be the one for him, I do love him and want him to change but I am not holding out much hope. I would also rather walk away knowing that he was sober but didnt love me than be loved by a drunk whos mind is confused.
he has apologised for what he has done, I do believe he was sincere wiith what he said. however I have also said in no uncertain terms that court goes ahead, I will if necessary give evidence, . I want richard to sober up and to be happy , happy with me, but I fear that drink has too much of a hold on him right now, probably forever. maybe he will be strong and want me more than the drink, maybe he wont even get to the first meeting , who knows??
. addiction is a terrible terrible thing.

some alcoholics will change, thats very true. however, all it takes is 1 drink to go back to where you are now. the temptation for some people will never go. hes done it once and thats all it takes in my book.

please think of your daughter in this. would you want her to witness this?

Ms_Chocaholic

Sorry to hear of the situation you are in and hope you can be strong for now and in the future, both for yourself and for your child. I have also been in a similar situation, not to the extent of yours, but I would rather not go into too much detail. My situation happened years ago and, even after we had separated, I continued to be physically abused. It was only at this point did I feel able to go to the Police but unfortunately they did not take DV as seriously as they do now and told me to go away. I did have marks on my face too so I was gobsmacked.

What a horrid mother in law she appears to be ... I only have a son but if he ever behaved terribly then I would hope that I would never be like her.

With regard to ameliarate's comments, it is "(b) the emotional abuse" that makes you feel worthless and makes you accept "(a) the physical abuse" and results in the person that is being abused made to feel that they will never be able to be happy again without them or find anyone else to love them/be alone, also that no-one will ever believe what they have said.

splitnotes

my reply was that he needed to get on with the meetings and do it for himself, only then when he is sober can we talk about the ifs and buts counselling. I have also explained that as much as I love him , he is a drunk, and when sobered up I may not be the one for him, I do love him and want him to change but I am not holding out much hope. I would also rather walk away knowing that he was sober but didnt love me than be loved by a drunk whos mind is confused.

You are very right.
But I also think that there is a possibility that even if he can and does change (and in my book he'd have to be sober and solo for at least 2 years) you have too much history together. If he were with you the memories etc (and that's not your fault) would always be at risk of dragging his behaviour back where this began.
There is also the risk that even if he is sincere now the only reason he is confronting his problems is because he has hit rock bottom. If you had him back he could again pretend to himself that it wasn't that bad and he was OK.
I don't know why but somehow 2 years seems to be a common rough timescale (there are no rules) for humans who want to get through things. You do not want to re-enter the cycle with your daughter.

quietheart

solongmarianne wrote: »

thanks everyone for all your posts,
I have a question, does anyone out there honestly think someone can change ?? quit the drinking and stay non violent. ?? I have been told that richard is starting aa meetings, and has admitted he has a problm which he has never done before, he has also asked that we go for counselling together and seperatly because of what happened.

my reply was that he needed to get on with the meetings and do it for himself, only then when he is sober can we talk about the ifs and buts counselling. I have also explained that as much as I love him , he is a drunk, and when sobered up I may not be the one for him, I do love him and want him to change but I am not holding out much hope. I would also rather walk away knowing that he was sober but didnt love me than be loved by a drunk whos mind is confused.
he has apologised for what he has done, I do believe he was sincere wiith what he said. however I have also said in no uncertain terms that court goes ahead, I will if necessary give evidence, . I want richard to sober up and to be happy , happy with me, but I fear that drink has too much of a hold on him right now, probably forever. maybe he will be strong and want me more than the drink, maybe he wont even get to the first meeting , who knows??
. addiction is a terrible terrible thing.

Oh I do think you are one hell of a tough cookie! I think you've handled the situation as well as you can and I wouldn't say this to just any-one but I think you are so together you'll make the right choice. My dad was a violent alcoholic, he would lash out at my mum but once he strangled my sister, I thought she would die, people came in from the bus-stop outside because the rest of us were screaming (my mum was at work). We had a horrible childhood and it's affected us all and we're in our 40's now.
However, he did change. He got very ill and was told he would die unless he stopped drinking and smoking. To cut a long story short, he did it. He got worse before he got better but he has been dry for 25 years. He still goes to AA meetings daiily, he's addicted to the meetings instead of alcoholic however he's helped countless other people stop drinking too. He now has a decent relationship with all his children and lives with my mum. I think what I'm trying to say is although it was far from perfect, things worked out better for us all in the long run that my mum stayed. It isn't often the case but it can happen.
As far as still loving him is concerned, you've loved him for years, you can't just turn that off overnight.
Do hope you are feeling clearer about things. Keep an open mind and just see how things go but don't settle for second best. You and your daughter deserve better than that.

Janepig

It's nice to hear first hand from someone like Crispeater about the IDAP programme. It's quite new and I don't really know what the success rate is, but we've had lots of DV offenders put on it. They also have to do Probation as well so they get an officer for one-to-one work, but they also have to do the programme. We have a Women's safety worker attached to the Programme too, and she works with the victims (wives/partners, whoever).

I usually feel that something such as IDAP is better than sending someone to prison - particularly if they are getting back together with the victim. At least that way their behaviour gets confronted in some way. If they go to prison, inevitably they won't get a very long sentence, and they're not supervised when they get out so the behaviour goes unchallenged. Much better (I think) to try and address the offending behaviour and get it to stop.

Jxx